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Dating a Genderqueer Partner, Seeking Advice

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by LibraryKitten, Dec 27, 2013.

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  1. LibraryKitten

    LibraryKitten
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    I'm in a new relationship with a genderqueer partner, and am looking for advice based on any personal experience you all might have from dating (or even just being close friends with) a cisgendered person. I originally posted this in the relationships section, but have not had any responses yet, and thought this might be a better place. Thanks for any help!

    ___
    I just started seeing someone new this past November, and it seems that we're both very serious about each other (he has invited me to meet his family over spring break, and I intend to fly down and do it). My new partner and I look heteronormative from the outside, but I'm pansexual, and he's genderqueer. I only recently realized that I'm attracted to women (I talked about my experience figuring that out in my last post, here). I've never been with a woman before, and even though I thought I wanted my next relationship to be with a woman, now that I've met this person, I'm focused entirely on him (them?).

    I have little to no previous experience knowing, let alone dating, someone who identifies as genderqueer. He tells me that he prefers gender neutral pronouns, but that he's used to being referred to as male, and is not offended when that happens. He has also told me that he would prefer to have been born in a female body, but he hasn't made up his mind yet whether he would ever want to transition. I've told him that whatever he decides, I want to be there to support him. I know almost nothing about the available transition procedures, but I would like to be as informed as possible, both because I want to be an effective partner for this person, and because I don't really know what I'm getting myself into. I've done some online research, but I would appreciate if you guys could tell me anything you wish the people around you knew, particularly romantic partners who have never personally experienced gender dysphoria.

    I'm not looking primarily for information about transition procedures, so much as for advice about how to be supportive without accidentally saying or doing something offensive or ignorant. For example, if I express too much enthusiasm for the way his body looks now(he doesn't think he is very attractive), is that being unsupportive? Or if I express excitement about how he might look as a woman, is that potentially bad for his perception of how he looks now? He's a very sweet person, and I don't think he would ever say something to me if I was bothering him this way.

    Also, I'm not sure if I'm reading this correctly, but I sometimes get the feeling that my parents are relieved that I'm seeing a man. I haven't told my family yet that my new partner is genderqueer (they think they are male (I'm not sure if I used that correctly here; should it be "they is?"), and I only recently told them that I'm pansexual, tending towards attraction to females. They didn't really believe me 100%, though my mom seemed to be beginning to accept that as the truth before I told her about my new partner. I think my parents would accept him anyway if they knew, but then again, I thought they would be more open minded when I came out to them (they were supportive, but not as much as I had expected). I don't even know how to bring up this concern without mentioning that my new "boy"friend may want to transition someday.
     
    #1 LibraryKitten, Dec 27, 2013
  2. BookDragon

    BookDragon
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    Well let's start with the basics and work are way up from there!

    So, your partner is genderqueer and prefers gender neutral pronouns. They may not get offended by masculine ones, but you're trying to get in their good books, so if they want neutral, your best bet is to use neutral whenever possible. Basically, if they say "I really prefer..." you want to be doing it if possible! :slight_smile:

    The biggest thing for you is going to be communication with your partner. You can ask us, and research all day every day and only a little bit of it will apply to them. Their idea of 'transition' probably doesn't match my idea, and it doesn't have to, it's a really personal thing, so ask them about it IF it comes up. Don't start going on about how they should transition already :slight_smile: (I'm sure you wouldn't, but some people do so I have to say this!)

    If you want to look up anything, get as many peoples opinions on gender dysphoria. It hits us all differently so every trans person you speak to is going to have some bit of information you didn't have before!

    As for support, that's more tricky and I totally see your concerns! Basically we can avoid offence by avoiding gender-specific compliments. "That shirt looks great!" = good! "You would look SO hot with a beard!" = BAAAAAD! You see? If they are trying something new, the same applies. "That dress looks good on you" = good! "You know what would look better? PANTS" = Baaaaad.

    Probably the key thing is that it is damned near impossible to know what they are going through. I can sit and talk to another trans girl and not know their suffering fully, so for you having never experienced it, it's going to be really hard. What is going to set you apart is the fact that you are trying really hard to understand as much as you can and to be supportive. But always remember that 9 times out of 10, they know what is right for them, even if it might not seem that way to you.

    One thing I've told every person I love who has asked me 'what they can do' is this.

    YOU can't do anything. You can't give me a new body, you can't change the way I feel, you can't change the world or the people in it. You can't make my life easier when I'm out in the world. All I need from you is for you to be there when the world hits back. When I come in miserable because someone said something to me, I need you there. When I'm crying in my room because I can't understand why I'm stuck in the wrong body, I need you there.

    I hope some of that helps.
     
    #2 BookDragon, Dec 27, 2013
  3. Ames

    Ames
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    I think you said it all it going to take time and work on both of your parts. My wife and I r going through sort of the same thing with me. I'm genderqueer been this way since we meet. I know at tim3s its hasn't been easy for her but I respect her support and we communicate our thoughts well.

    We just went through a big step together I just had s procedure done (will talk about it later) took a
    Took a year and half of discossions and her approval but that's what u do when u are a team.
     
    #3 Ames, Dec 28, 2013
  4. LibraryKitten

    LibraryKitten
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    That did help. Thank you! (=
     
    #4 LibraryKitten, Dec 28, 2013
  5. CharlieHK

    CharlieHK Guest

    I have sort of the same thing going on. I'm in a relationship where we look like the average heterosexual couple on the outside but on the inside I'm the guy and she's my girlfriend.

    As far as enthusiasm for the body he has now...it really is tricky. Every compliment on imagery has some gender association to it, sadly. Very few compliment are gender neutral, like he likes.

    So before you say something about their body, think "could it go both ways?".

    That's about the best advice I can give.
     
    #5 CharlieHK, Dec 29, 2013
  6. Nick07

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    Hi,
    to all good advice, I would add just this. Your partner is not challenged. They need support, but so do you. Keep in mind that the relationship needs to be balanced. If you show a lot of support and understanding, you have the right to expect the same.

    Good luck :slight_smile:
     
    #6 Nick07, Dec 29, 2013
  7. LibraryKitten

    LibraryKitten
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    Thank you, everyone!

    I've been working on shifting my language so that it could "go both ways," like you mentioned. I think I'm actually coming to like neutral terms better anyway. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but I feel like more neutral terms emphasize the importance of the person to me, rather than their gender... like instead of ending a playfully teasing sentence with "mister" or "missy," I'll end it with "you." And I like the term "partner" better than "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" because it seems to have a stronger connotation towards both of us being equals and working together if problems eventually do come up in the relationship.... it's more like we're a "team." (=

    Good luck to you all as well!
     
    #7 LibraryKitten, Jan 3, 2014
  8. Miiaaaaa

    Miiaaaaa
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    I like that. :3
    Also, best of luck to the both of you. :slight_smile:
     
    #8 Miiaaaaa, Jan 3, 2014
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