Hello everyone. I have problems finding out my gender,perhaps you can advise me. I happen to have the body of a female and thorough my life i always groomed, acted, spoke as a female. However it never felt to me as being much more than a body. Kind of like a vehicule with which i interact with the exterior. I had a strange childhood that made it so that i happen to look down on the female traditional ideal, and love the masculine ideal to which i cannot conform, not being a male (of course i realise that both men and female are equal in facts, and both are beautiful and desirable. i just try to face what my psyche is telling me). So all thourough my life i was torn between a female i was but couldn't care for, and not being a male that i loved. But a year ago, i happened to become bald. And a few months later had to get glasses. Hear me out, this is relevant. As my hair started to grow back and i sported thick-rimmed gender neutral glasses, i gained a boyish look. For the first time of my life i smiled to myself in the mirror,feeling beautiful. I now became muscular and curvy, sport the same hair and glasses with vampy make up, enjoy men buttoned shirts on bust-enhancing bras, men-like shoes with long skirts. Masculinity and feminity crashed together. I discovered the beautiful middle of the scale,which is all too new and confusing for me. Quite a rant,huh...Sorry, i guess i needed to vent. So all in all that is the state of affairs : i now randomly throw traditional masculine and feminine elements at myself. I cringe at identifying myself as female-gendered despite accepting being female-bodied, but am not confortable at being male-bodied and feel like i don't deserve being masculine-gendered. I am constantly going back and forth between feminine and genderqueer, but still sense as if i am lacking something. I feel attraction to all people with no discrimination whatsoever. Please help me understand my gender, i am confused beyond words. Thanks a lot for reading through all this.
Honestly it sounds like you know your gender. To me what you are saying is that you know and accept that you are biologically female, but you don't feel like conforming to gender stereotypes and actually strive in some ways to be more like the opposite gender. There is nothing wrong with that. I don't think you need to find out who you are, but just accept that this is who you are. I'm actually very similar to you, except I am biologically male and strive to be girly. So yeah. We are both normal people. So, you are you. That is all.
SwingingMyArms, I agree with Starry Eyes, it sounds like you know and are comfortable with your gender. I remember when I first socially transitioned to dressing as a man, and for the first time in my life, I would spend so much time staring at my reflection (and posing!), so fascinated, and like you, I smiled at my reflection. However, you also write that you sense that you are "lacking something." Can you describe a bit more what that "something" is?
I totally identify with not feeling right. I always thought I was supposed to be a MAN, and it wasn't okay to be anything but a man since I'm male. Somehow a few days or weeks ago I found out about a third way. A third gender some call it. There are lots of names for it, and it is recognized in lots of other cultures. Western cultures are "binary". I.e. you either have a penis or you have a vagina, and if you have a penis you're a MAN. Vagina=WOMAN. Ain't so. Took me 50 years of discomfort to find out that I'm neither this NOR that. Revel in the middle. One name for it is genderqueer. Another is agender. What gender are you? Agender. Pun=bad but likely true.
Hi Swiningmyarms, I have to agree with both previous statements by what you said, looks like you know who you are just have truoble expressing it, dont worry it will come. Now tht you recongize who you are embrace it the rest will come. Remember you like all of us are on a sort of new trip or road to self discovery embrace take it slow and enjoy rediscovering yourself again! this is nothing new really people go though this all the time just in different areas of themselves: whether is is transitioning gender, indentity, changing careers, marital status life is always changing
