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Those awesome moments that also hurt like hell...

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Nemo39122, Dec 29, 2013.

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  1. Nemo39122

    Nemo39122
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    So I'm mostly just ranting here...idk exactly how people could give advice about this lol but I'd love to know if anyone else ever feels the same way. :slight_smile:

    What I mean by that title is things like passing as a guy (sometimes without really trying) or getting treated like a guy...which feels unbelievably awesome but kinda hurts at the same time, it feels like I'm SO CLOSE to actually being who I am, but I'm still not really able to. I'm still physically female and seen as "basically one of the guys" but not ACTUALLY one of the guys, if that makes sense.

    I'm not out to anyone IRL about my gender, but I am starting to be more open about my orientation which, because I'm seen as female, is assumed to be lesbian. I came out to my brother about a month or so ago (as liking girls) and it went really well. Ever since then whenever we hang out I feel like we're hanging out as brothers. I was always a "tomboy" growing up so we pretty much always played like brothers anyway, but now we talk about girls too lol which just adds to it. It honestly feels like the only thing implying that we aren't actually brothers is the occasional female pronoun or him referring to me as his sister. The night I came out to him we had actually gone to the mall and he actually mentioned that he could see me wearing a suit, but not a dress. He wasn't teasing or being mean or anything either...maybe someday I can tell him who I really am...:slight_smile:

    Before my brother and I hung out tonight I went to a store and apparently passed as male...which is funny because I actually wasn't trying to. The cashier called me "bro" like 3 or 4 times which was awesome...I pretty much didn't say anything though because I didn't want my voice to give away my biological gender. I could feel my face turning really red though...there were several people behind me in line and in addition to people probably trying to figure out if I was male or female, I also decided to buy a rainbow necklace thing so I was worried about people seeing it...as if my short spiked hair, camo cargo pants, and not-so-feminine t-shirts don't give away that I MIGHT not be a straight female. :lol: But hey, I survived, and maybe now it'll be easier next time.

    I love feeling like I'm my brother's little brother. I love feeling like I'm "one of the guys." I'm sure I have a giant stupid grin on my face every time someone sees me as male.
    BUT,
    I'm not actually his little brother...at least not physically, and I'm not living as a brother (yet). I'm not actually "one of the guys"...well, no one else knows that I actually am. Sure I pass as male sometimes...maybe a 12-13 year old male because I don't have facial hair, I'm in shape but can't be muscular like a guy, and I'm always terrified that if people hear my voice that it will just immediately switch what gender they think I am. It doesn't help that I look and sound really young, even as a female. :bang:

    It just gets frustrating sometimes I guess. I'm SO close to being me, yet at the same time I'm not. Sometimes it feels like I'm trying to push through an invisible brick wall...that brick wall being my biological gender and the entire life that has been built around that. So yeah, sorry if this was random and boring...but can anyone relate? I know there's not much I can do to fix it besides transitioning, which won't happen for awhile if it ever does at all. I guess it would help to know I'm not alone (as much of a cliché as that sounds...). So anyway, thanks for any replies. :slight_smile: (*hug*)
     
    #1 Nemo39122, Dec 29, 2013
  2. FashionDisaster

    FashionDisaster
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    Simirarly to you, I'm not out to anyone about my gender yet, but I have come out about my sexuality. Still, I've reached a point in dressing and mannerisms where people are occasionally gendering me as female. Its absolutely amazing when it happens, but it makes every other time when people consider me male that much worse. I'm finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but the darkness of gender dysphoria is even darker.

    It really sucks to feel so close but still be so far away at the same time. Other than losing some weight, there really isn't much else I can do to get further through that gender wall without hormones. Feel good in knowing that even if we're coming from opposite sides of the gender spectrum, you're not alone. I know your post made me feel a bit better.
     
    #2 FashionDisaster, Dec 29, 2013
  3. Nemo39122

    Nemo39122
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    I'm really glad my post made you feel a bit better :slight_smile: (*hug*)
    I know what you mean about how actually passing makes every other time you're seen as your biological sex even worse. It's like for every second that you realize and actually feel how happy you COULD be, it makes how you are now feel that much worse.
    Luckily I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel too sometimes, but its always for very brief amounts of time...usually a few hours at the most. And then it usually ends with just this complete anxious depressed breakdown because it sinks in even more that this is all real, and all the crap involved with transitioning (its mainly coming out and possible rejection/misunderstanding/awkwardness with people that scares me the most), which as I'm sure you can imagine comes with a pretty bad period of dysphoria, which leads to depression and a lot of self-destructive behavior, which leads to thinking well maybe the best option is to just not exist anymore...yeah its a fun little downward spiral lol. :eusa_doh:

    Anyway, thanks for replying. (*hug*) Being reminded that I'm not alone is honestly what helps the most. :slight_smile:
     
    #3 Nemo39122, Dec 29, 2013
  4. Starry Eyes

    Starry Eyes Guest

    Yup. Nothing like that moment of being seen as the gender you feel you are to make your day. (&&&)
     
    #4 Starry Eyes, Dec 29, 2013
  5. Nick07

    Nick07
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    I think you just summed up how almost every trans person feels (*hug*)
     
    #5 Nick07, Dec 29, 2013
  6. suninthesky

    suninthesky
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    If feel the same way, except I don't feel hurt, I just feel uncomfortable. Earlier in my social transition, I would feel elated when I got gendered as male, but now I just feel embarrassed. I don't know where along the lines it switched, but I don't like it. Now I just hate all pronouns. And when people use male pronouns that I've asked them to it feels forces and awkward, which just makes me more embarrassed/upset.

    Hang in there buddy, somehow we'll both get there.
     
    #6 suninthesky, Dec 29, 2013
  7. Silenthe

    Silenthe
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    You're not alone. :slight_smile: I relate to everything you say.

    I also look very young, because I am short and do not have facial hair. In fact, after I socially transitioned, I felt like I aged backwards a decade. When I lived as a woman, I was really depressed, and I think it did age me, because people thought I was in my thirties. But now, as a man, I look like I'm in my late teens. (Sometimes younger. Last year, someone thought I was 13.) Many times, I wish I looked more mature, because I Am 28, and it's distressing when people treat me like I'm a teenager. Recently, I've been thinking of how I can change my mannerisms and manner of dress to be more convincingly mature. I cannot change my height, alas, and so I've also been thinking of ways to carry myself differently.

    Congrats on passing!! Yes, I think it will get easier as more people address you in the male pronoun. Even though it's been four years since I socially transitioned, I am still often surprised when people address me as "he." I am simultaneously happy and embarrassed, because I am always conscious of my body. I also try not to speak when I am addressed as "he," because I have a feminine voice-- Well, my voice varies... Many times without trying for a deeper voice, I will still pass. Then when I try really hard, I'm suddenly, distressingly called "she." I think the longer you spend passing, the more puzzling it becomes. Trying to pass and spontaneously passing overlap, the you that you try to be becomes you, layers of masculinity above femininity, and vice versa... Your metaphor of "trying to push through an invisible brick wall" is very beautiful and apt-- after awhile, are you pushing the brick wall or is it pushing against you? and it's invisible, but still very substantial-- and it becomes both burden and means by which you are yourself. So like you say, it's both liberating and hurtful. Because one is so close, but not quite there.
     
    #7 Silenthe, Dec 29, 2013
  8. memyself

    memyself
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    I'm in the same situation except opposite. I'm biologically male but want to be female. I've come out as gay to almost everyone, but I've only come out about the gender thing to one person. I've kind of given up on the idea of being female or transitioning. It's not that I don't think it's possible, just not for me I don't think. Where I'm at now is that I just want to be me, regardless of my body and regardless of what pronouns people use for me. I think the label I fall under is androgynous. I'm still figuring things out, but I've been taking baby steps over the past 6 months or so. Stuff like throwing out my baggy jeans and sweat shirts, growing out my hair, shaving my face and taking care of my skin... one of the biggest things for me right now is getting out of the habit of talking like a straight guy when I'm around other straight guys. Idk I have to accept my body and the fact that I will always be seen as a guy, but regardless of gender, I want people to see me as me. Boy or girl is such a tiny and insignificant part of a person's personality.
     
    #8 memyself, Dec 29, 2013
  9. Nick07

    Nick07
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    memyself, I like the end of your post.
     
    #9 Nick07, Dec 29, 2013
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