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Questioning gender.

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Enfys, Dec 29, 2013.

  1. Enfys

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    I don’t see myself as a gender. I prefer male clothes I just don’t have the funds or the guts to go shopping. Labels scare me. For my sexuality I go by queer, but I get nervous about telling people queer and just say ‘I’m gay’ I much prefer queer as a ‘label’

    I try not to think of this often as it overwhelms me. But I can't ignore it any longer. I don’t know there’s probably people offline who would lynch me for even posting this, and I know someone who would definitely have something to say because I’m ‘cis’

    After speaking to a friend she asked me these questions.

    1- what do you primarily see yourself? - I don't know. I've been bought up as 'she' biologically I am female. Everyone sees me as 'she' but it doesn't sit right. I'm not he, and she doesn't feel right. she, That's how I've been bought up. I went shopping with mum and was looking at the male clothes and she was like '*gasp* but. That's a boys top you can't wear that' :/

    2- reflect upon masculinity and femininity,does this affect your gender or lack of gender? - I'm not very feminine at all. I never have been. I always got told off for not being 'lady like' when I was little. I dress pretty gender neutral. (Jeans and a tshirt/hoody) Sometimes you'll see me in a skirt but not often at all.

    3- how would you like this to affect you socially from how things are now? - I'm not really sure how to answer this just yet.

    4- how would you feel comfortable being addressed such as name and pronouns? - I like my name. Always have done. I like the spelling even tho it causes trouble with people saying it wrong. Pronouns. After doing some reading, I'm leaning towards 'ze' but am nervous of actually using it.

    5- what do you think others think and how it affects you? - I think people will be confused. And think 'why this all of a sudden' mum did say to me once she wouldn't see me any different if I was trans, she's support me and love me all the same. The people that matter it shouldn't bother them.

    6- does it matter what others think? - deep down I know it doesn't matter what others think I should just do what's right for me, but I'm still scared.

    Is anybody out there willing to chat with me? I don't want to change sex, I just want to feel comfortable.
    I should probably shhhh now. Sorry if this makes no sense.

    Thank you. Mai.
     
  2. BookDragon

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    So having considered all those things, what do you actually WANT.

    By the sounds of things, you seem like you would be fairly content with being able to wear mens clothes and if people stopped using gendered pronouns! Does that sound about right to you, or is there more to it?
     
  3. Enfys

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    I think would be content, I'm just really nervous of actually doing it. And I don't have the funds to go clothes shopping. Deep down I know the people that matter shouldn't be bothered. But I'm scared what people will think.

    I want to feel comfortable and not confused. I've ignored it for so long it's seems to have hit me like a train over Christmas.
     
  4. BookDragon

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    To be honest, at the moment your primary concern seems to be clothing, which if nothing else is reasonably simple to do without much money an without people asking questions. Obviously I don't know your financial situation at all, but even the cheapest set of clothes would do for now since you are just testing the waters of a brand new situation!

    As for the pronouns, you might struggle with it. One advantage of being FtM or MtF is that we have set pronouns everyone already uses for other people anyway, where as you want Ze, so people have to learn a whole NEW set, so that could be tricky!
     
  5. Enfys

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    That's what I was thinking!! :/
     
  6. BookDragon

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    Hmmm. It's a tricky one! Had you considered asking your mum to try the pronouns thing, you said she would be OK if you were trans, and when all is said and done you asking her to use a different pronoun isn't THAT big an ask! Or at least, it shouldn't be!
     
  7. memyself

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    In a perfect world, ze would be really cool. I think it sounds really cool and is totally gender neutral. The problem is that I can't imagine it would be easy to get people to use it. I have a friend that is in between genders and he/she just let's people choose what pronouns to use. I always call him a he because it just seems more natural for that person, even though he's biologically female.
     
  8. Enfys

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    I haven't considered speaking to her yet, I want to get things straight in my head. Maybe try some new clothes if I have money left after driving lessons (I need to start driving and I got money for lessons for Christmas) and see how I feel...

    My nan may be a good person to talk to, she's a counsellor and has worked with lgbt young people. Maybe ill email her, as she lives in the uk.

    Edit: One of the blogs I follow on tumblr goes by ze, but ze said it took a long time for people to use it.
     
    #8 Enfys, Dec 29, 2013
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2013
  9. BookDragon

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    I bet it did, I mean I hear it all the time and I dunno...it just doesn't come naturally, so I tend to go for singular 'they' instead...
     
  10. Enfys

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    I'm in a group on Facebook a support group for self harming behaviours, all sorts get discussed in there there's people posting about their sexuality all the time. So I plucked up the courage and posted about this. Hoping there may be someone who has felt the same or similar. Well. I won't be doing that again. I got told I was being ridiculous and stupid.... And I was trolling the page.

    Sighs. :/
     
  11. drwinchester

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    Hey.

    Wish I could help with pronouns- I prefer male pronouns, only problem's passing well enough for people to use them. Even I'm not too clear on non-binary pronouns. A lot of my genderqueer buddies just go by "they".

    With pronouns, the key is to pound it in. I'm speaking as a guy, but last term, at my college, I attended as a man, though I haven't yet changed my name legally nor my gender. So, I was having to email professors about my preferred name/pronouns, correct people, etc. Now, I'm someone who on the best of days comes across as androgynous. With one professor, he'd gotten the name down pat. Pronouns? Well, basically, I pass until I open my damn mouth.

    I think with pronouns, a lot of people are, of course, conditioned to set certain pronouns to certain physical characteristics. So if someone perceives me as female yet I tell them I want male pronouns, even if they're awesome and make the effort, there still may be an element of error until it's drilled in. I like to think I'm awesome at remembering people's pronouns but even I've screwed up.

    So, keep reminding people of what you prefer. They'll probably screw up but if they're decent people, they'll make the effort to get them right.

    Now, clothes. I'm poor as hell myself. Which is why thrift stores will be your new best friend. Trust me. If you look close and watch prices, you'll be able to find some pretty sweet items. Protip, though. If you're going to pay full price for anything, don't skimp on the jeans. I can't say the same for shirts but thrift store pants are an ugly, ugly beast...
     
  12. BookDragon

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    " I got told I was being ridiculous and stupid.... And I was trolling the page. "

    See this here is why I personally never recommend trying to discuss something like this with random people in a group dedicated to something else. Sexuality comes up a lot, gender doesn't. Being somewhere in the middle comes up even less.

    Some people are dicks, apparently you found a bunch of them. I'm sorry to hear about it! (*hug*)
     
  13. Enfys

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    Thank you so much for your reply drwinchester!

    Thanks elliaotaku, when I checked back the post today admin had told the person off, and he appaulogised.

    I think I'm going to talk to the therapist about this when I see her next week. I think I'm gonna a print out that post and get her to read it instead of bringing it up because I'm not really sure how to bring it up. Once I've talked to her I may speak to mum but I'm not sure yet.
     
  14. BookDragon

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    Well whatever you decide to do, let us know how it goes, ok? :slight_smile:
     
  15. Enfys

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    Today I spoke to my therapist about this. I printed off my first post, I added a bit more and jiggled it around a bit until I was happy with it. I was so anxious about it, but she was amazing. At the time I was hating it and regretting showing her, but now I've been home and thought about what we discussed. I just want to thank her for being so lovely.

    She admitted she wasn't really sure where to begin with this, and I said neither was I. She asked me a few questions, we talked about gender stereotypes, we talked about how practically everything is gendered (I quote 'I sense a bit of anger in your voice there Mai.' 'Yes. It angers me') we talked about how I see gender, for me. We talked about ticking gender on a questionnaire and how that makes me feel. Their survey thing is pretty good is has 'female,male,trans,intersex,none of the above/other' she asked me what I tick on their survey, because theirs has the option for none of the above/other...I told her whenever that question comes up, I have a little panic over what to select and even tho it doesn't feel right, I select female because I worry what people will think/say.

    She said this doesn't make me a different person, I'm still me what ever 'label' I decide fits for me, and I don't even have to tell people if I don't want to.

    I found it pretty hard to share as it's not somthing I've talked about face to face with someone. And what made me smile...she thanked me for sharing it with her, which I thought was nice. I'm glad I did. Even tho I left feeling insanely overwhelmed as the afternoon went on and I settled my anxiety I'm glad I told her.

    I feel almost calm and settled about it this evening.
     
  16. BookDragon

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    Well done Enfys!! I remember when I had to bring it up with my therapist and it was so hard!! Really really well done!!! /hug
     
  17. animequeen567

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    1. I primarily don't really see myself as either gender. I never really have. I've been confused about it for a long time, but I really do not see myself as any gender.

    2. Masculinity and femininity in my opinion doesn't affect your gender. Your gender is what you feel most comfortable with. Whatever feels comfortable with you. I find that I am a little more gender neutral. Some people see me as more feminine. Some people see me as more masculine, it just depends on who you are talking to for me. I personally hate wearing dresses and skirts. I don't really feel comfortable in feminine clothes unless it's cosplay.

    3. I don't care about being social.

    4. I like being called by my shortened version of my name which can fit for any gender really. As far as pronouns go, I don't really care what people use. People can call me whatever they want. I do like being called by they and them. I oftentimes refer to myself as they and them when I'm talking to myself XD

    5. I don't want to confuse people, that's why I have only told two people. I don't really care what people call me anyway.

    6. I don't think it matters. Whatever.

    I am willing to talk with you. I can help you out as best as I can. I know that finding out my gender was very confusing.
     
  18. Miiaaaaa

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    I'm glad to hear it went well with your therapist. :slight_smile:
     
  19. justsid

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    The Native Americans call all non heterosexuals two-spirits. It means we walk between the world of male and female. Others through history have called it being third gendered.
     
    #19 justsid, Jan 9, 2014
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