So in another thread, I got talking about have transition changes you. I'd like to say it all came off the top of my head and I'm JUST THAT GOOD at coming up with clever things to say, but the reality is that it is a topic that has been on my mind for a while. One of the scariest things about realising I am trans was that nothing seemed right. It didn't necessarily feel WRONG, but it didn't feel RIGHT. This also appears to be one of the things that people on the outside seem to find confusing about transition. If it doesn't make an obvious positive difference, why do it at all? It's a topic that has been going around in my brain for a while and I thought I would make a post about it. Partly, because I want to hear your stories and partly because I want people to know that actually, things DO start to make sense. Yesterday evening I looked in the mirror and I realised something. There is a girl in there, looking back at me. I've never seen her before. Not until yesterday. But she was there an hour later. She was there in the middle of the night. She was there this morning. She was there when I checked last time I went to get a drink. There is a girl in there, looking back at me. Now, there maybe somebody reading this thinking "Well yeah, you're a girl fuck-head!" and you're right, I am. I am and I know it and I love it. But I had never seen it. I had seen my face. The same face I've always had, looking as it has done for the last year or so (I had a beard before, so it's a little different if you go further back!). In photos I've seen me...that guy...in a dress. But now I don't see it. Nothing has changed at all. My face looks the same today as it did last week, but now when I see it in the mirror, it is the face of a girl. It belongs to a girl. To me. I've had the same problem with my name. I love my name, Holly. I picked it because it stuck in my head longer than any other. If I wanted to get poetic about it, there are reasons it suits me, but I don't, so I won't! But hearing other people use it has been difficult. There is only one person who has been able to use it with the same feeling as the used to with my old name, and that is my best friend. Everyone else has been lacking. This is most obvious with my mother. You could hear love behind it when she used my old name, and you still can when she forgets to use my new name. But it isn't there in my new name. I understand why this is, it is, after all, difficult to adjust to a using a different name to the one you've been using for 23 years and I accept that as inevitable and as something that will come with time. What I couldn't handle was that it made the whole thing feel wrong. It didn't feel like my name when most people used it, because they didn't feel like it was my name. I would, at times, almost hope someone used the wrong name just so I could hear some emotion behind it. That too has changed. My old name barely registers any more. It feels strange to use it. It is truly no longer my name. It will take some time before everybody else accepts my new name, but it will happen. I suppose my point is that I have worried, justifiably, about my transition because it is new and different and often uncomfortable. It has, at times, been difficult to persuade people it was for the best or that it has had any positive effect at all. But this week I have spent thinking, for no reason I can determine, that any man would be lucky to have me. I have had a confidence in myself I have never experienced. I have experienced some of the worst dysphoria I've ever had and still come out on top. It was the right choice for me, and things are getting better. I really wish I could get my mum to read this and accept it, but one thing at a time! Anyway, if you read this, thank you for doing so! If you have any thoughts, questions, concerns, insults or marriage proposals please post them below! (*hug*)
I'm happy to hear that you're feeling more confident in your own skin. I'm happy that the transition for you is going so well, and you're starting to feel better about who you are and more connected with yourself. It's always good when people can find that sense about themselves. As for the name stuff...don't fret too much. Change is always weird and awkward at first, but once everyone gets to know this more honest and true side of you and adjust to the name I think they'll come around, and you'll begin to feel even better As for you mom, this is probably just a big change for her as well, and if you give her some time she'll adjust I'm sure, and find a way to connect with your new name just as much as she did with your old name ^.^
I always knew you were pretty with it Ellia, good for you. Such an improvement in attitude over the last week.
Thank you for sharing your story, Holly. Many of the things you write strike a deep chord with me. Often, it is difficult for me to describe what being trans is like, and I love hearing other people's stories on EC because I feel that others speak for/with me in sharing their experiences. Looking forward to hearing more of your journey!
Wow. Honestly, I think I could've written that (from a different perspective, of course). I doubt I'll ever forget the first time I ever saw a guy looking back. Like, it was beyond "Oh. Wow, I kind of look like a dude when I've flattened my chest" but like "Wow. I am a guy." I was just watching my reflection in a shut-off camera, marveled at the guy looking back and realized I'd caught a look at how I felt. Felt the same when I got my first chest binder. My chest, for the first time, looked like how it was supposed to. Only got to wear it for a couple hours. I'd gotten it through my LGBT group and I'd tried it on there. Someone commented that it was the first time they'd ever seen me genuinely happy after months of knowing them. And my name. Yeah. It went from being this foreign, yet nice thing to hear to just being, well, as normal to me as my old one. I have to enter names on forms and websites and it's my male name that comes naturally- I have to force my birth name if the situation requires it.
I just wanted to quote this part to say something. I've had the name thing happen before to me. No one said Charlie with compassion except my best friend (who is also my GF). It's still that way. But I just wanted to say you're not alone in that case.
This is one of the best things I've read all day, and I can totally relate! It's hard to get people to understand that it's not that things feel WRONG now, it's just that it WOULD feel RIGHT if they were different. I haven't really had anyone except my best friends call me Oliver before, but it does feel really right and love to hear it. I'm a bit afraid that people won't say it with any passion. I also chose it because it stuck in my head longer than the rest xD I went through a lot of other names before I settled on that one. I'm not incredibly out yet, and to be perfectly honest I'm not very good at passing... xD But I do remember one time, me and my family were on a road trip and we stopped at a gas station to fill up the car, take our dog out, and stop at the bathroom (because why else would you stop at a gas station...?) I had tried to pass a few times before, but I was getting discouraged because everyone still used female pronouns even when i tried my very hardest. When I was going back outside from getting a water bottle, I held open the door for a younger couple and an older woman. I will NEVER forget the older woman--her face, or her words--because she was the very first person to recognize me as male. When she was passing me, she looked up and said, "Thank you, son." It made my entire day and it still makes me smile to think about. And that woman still has no idea how much happiness just those three words gave me.
That's really nice Holly. I'm glad things are looking up for you, you should always be as confident as you are now! @ North: The first time I ever passed, was pretty fabulous. I am also not very good at passing. I was at the mall, and the old, pretzel sample lady from auntie anne's was trying to catch my attention so she could get by me. I didn't even register it at first, my friend was just like, "um, dude" and then I heard the lady, "excuse me sir". I was the sir. It was the first time I was ever the sir. I was really excited for the rest of the day, I don't know, it was just an instant mood lifter. :lol:
Glad to hear you're becoming comfortable in your own skin. It's always nice to hear folks, especially trans* folks, gaining the confidence they greatly deserve. I can almost say the same, but I'm still working on it. I definitely relate when it comes to names. My mother has adjusted to referring to me by my real (chosen) name, but she says it with a forced, halfhearted tone, and it doesn't carry the same enthusiasm as when my friends or my girlfriend says it. It's a bit disheartening, but I know she'll eventually come around with it, I would hope. Like what you said, it'll take time for everyone to accept it, but it'll happen. And North, the first time you "pass" to someone, it's a very distinguished and liberating feeling. I remember waiting in line at the movie theatre, and the cashier called out, "I can help the next person in line over here. Sir, can I help you?" I didn't know who she was referring to ('cause what kind of pre-t, short, androgynous-looking person looks like a 'sir'?), until it hit me. And that was a pretty awesome feeling. Although it doesn't happen all that much now, either, as most don't refer to people by gendered titles, it always makes my day to hear "sir" or "boy" or whatever other male title in reference to myself. Anyway, to OP, keep going with however you're going about things, and that confidence will remain persistent. Thanks for sharing. (*hug*)
I read through your story, but I am not entirely sure what to say. Perhaps that I am happy for you and glad to hear things are going so well
