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Questioning my gender.

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by xxchristinaxx, Jan 2, 2014.

  1. xxchristinaxx

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    Hi everyone,this is a re-post from the welcome forum to the gender identity forum but i'll go into more detail on my story.

    My name is Christina,i'm in my teens. I'm a biological female who is questioning her gender. I came here to look for a safe LGBT place to express who I am. I have posted my story on a self help website before I joined Empty closets but I was basically told I was confused about both my orientation and my gender. here's my story.

    I’ve always lived life as a happy girl and never really considered this till high school. I did always feel like I never fit in as a girl though,but I never felt like a boy. I met some ftm transgenders in my grade in high school and it made me think about myself. I’m bisexual but whenever I picture myself dating a girl I picture myself as a male in a straight relationship. I tried so hard to push away the thoughts but it wont go away. I hate what I see when I look in my mirror,but I feel like I have to wear makeup and girly clothes in order to fit into society. Its been a year I’ve been questioning. I live with very close minded family who probably wouldn’t agree. Not even with dating a girl,it scares me to death to come out to them,even my friends. I’m even worried my transgender friends wouldn’t agree. I don’t want them to think i’m “copying” them but its more like they opened up my eyes and taught me that I'm not stuck with the gender I was born with. But before I come out to family and friends I guess I want to know if I really am transgender. I’ve done a lot of research and i’m not sure if this is a phase or not. I've been having sleepless nights just thinking about all the what ifs. Like what my family would say? Would my friends laugh at me? Would my family disown me? A part of me is kind of in denial.

    I'd really love some feedback,even if you aren't trans feel free to jump in the convo! (*hug*)
     
  2. Miiaaaaa

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    I have a battenburg and a bottle of coke for the reunion. :slight_smile:

    Out of interest, how do you see yourself when you're dating a guy? Do you ever see yourself as a gay male, or a female?

    Coming out is hard, and if you're sure who you are, then it's a case of biting the bullet. You never know, your family might end up being very supportive. If not, you don't have to put up with it. :slight_smile:

    I doubt your transgendered friends with think that you're "copying" them. They might end up being the best people to talk to, because they know what you're going through and are less likely to be judgemental. (If that's something you're also worried about?)
    Any real friends aren't going to laugh at you, they're going to want to help you!
    People won't always understand, but it comes with the territory. Just hang out with the people that are a positive influence. :slight_smile:

    Anyway, I think I'll let someone else have a turn now. :slight_smile:
     
  3. BookDragon

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    Time for my favourite thing in the world. Bothering other people with personal questions! YAAAAAAAAAAY! *flails arms*


    I did always feel like I never fit in as a girl though,but I never felt like a boy.
    What changed? I don't feel that much like a girl doesn't usually bring someone to a forum to ask about their gender so what makes it that little bit more pressing than 'meh I'm just not girly'? Do you know? (If you don't, please don't assume you are wrong in coming here to ask, it's merely a place to start thinking from :slight_smile:)

    I’m bisexual but whenever I picture myself dating a girl I picture myself as a male in a straight relationship.
    Hey that's like me! Only the other way around! So question: If you see yourself as 'the male', what does that mean to you? What does being a male mean to you?

    I hate what I see when I look in my mirror,but I feel like I have to wear makeup and girly clothes in order to fit into society.
    That is a really common thing, heck I spent a good chunk of this afternoon thinking something similar in regards to make-up! Ideal world, no pressure from the outside - what are you wearing, what do you look like? How is it different to now?

    Not even with dating a girl,it scares me to death to come out to them,even my friends.
    Don't worry about coming out until you know you have something to come out about! Explore your feelings and know them completely, then we can worry about telling people. :slight_smile:

    I’m even worried my transgender friends wouldn’t agree. I don’t want them to think i’m “copying”
    I'm going to say this clearly and anyone who disagrees is more than welcome to counter it at their leisure, but any trans person who says "You can't be trans, I did it first" is a complete bastard. I would like to think people in our situation might be a little more considerate than to do something like that, but it's not always the case. But as I said before, that's a concern for later on!

    I'm not stuck with the gender I was born with.
    Probably the most interesting sentence from my perspective in this post. Your choice of words intrigues me. I'll explain why later if I need to.

    Have a think about some of the things I've said and answer the questions IF YOU CAN. If you can't don't worry. Write down anything that comes to mind when you are thinking about the things I've written.

    Every bit of information you can give is useful. Most of it probably won't be related to the issue at hand in any way but it helps build a picture of how your mind works and where you are coming from!
     
  4. xxchristinaxx

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    To answer Mia's questions:

    I don't like using gender roles too much in relationships,but I enjoy taking care of my partners more than the partner taking care of me which is usually a more masculine role. I feel more feminine in my straight relationships because my partner is a guy and in comparison body wise I feel more feminine.

    About my family. My grandma is 80 years old and I enjoy teaching her about this stuff from a fresh point of view since she was born during the 30's. I like how she's open to talking about it. I've never told her my feelings accept that i'm completely LGBT supportive and find hate offensive. She finds transgender's interesting (Not in a rude way.) and she understands how its a real thing that someone can be born in the wrong body so I find that she'd support it. My mom isn't totally against anything LGBT but she doesn't enjoy me preaching. My dad isn't against it but uses offense terms when relating to gay and transgenders. My big sister and her husband are cool with that kind of stuff so I always thought if I came out while still living at home I could always go live with them.

    Thank you Mia!

    I'm not sure whether to call you Holly or Ellia but I'll answer your questions now. :slight_smile:

    What changed was basically puberty. I always looked more masculine then my other friends and peers and that showed as puberty went on. It's not that I didn't want to deal with what would eventually come but I felt more pressure to look and at like a "Young woman." I sometimes look back at little events in my childhood (ages 0-10) that finally make sense. Like one time when I was little I convinced my mom to buy me a boy shirt when I was little. It was a pink and green striped polo and finally she agreed. (I still have that shirt xD) and I know what you mean, what made me think was the fact that i've been questioning for a year, the thought never went away that fast. Last night I was in my room and I was like "I wanna know for sure if I'm a boy or a girl i'm tired of guessing." so I went to another self help site and I didn't get the help I wanted instead I got my most hated stereotypical sentence. "It's just a phase" or even worse "You're confused,I pray you get the right help." and so I googled Transgender help and found empty closets which is where I am now.

    I kinda answered your second question above. :$

    I'm wearing my hair tied up which is how I usually have it. I only wear makeup at school or a fancy place. A pink baggy hoodie since I don't have boyish clothes and just black baggy pants. I wear a lot of baggy clothes cause I don't dress for beauty,I dress for comfort. That might have something to do with my insecurities or dysphoria but I never look that deep into it. When I was little my mom and big sister would pick out all my clothes and do my hair. All my clothes were basically pink so that was my favorite colour. I never wore dresses unless I had to. But I was never forced in one. I use to have long hair past my upper chest. But I cut it in grade 6 to my shoulders I felt so happy,I didn't have to do all this effort to do my hair. Then as puberty hit all these girls starting having long hair,doing their makeup and wearing form fitting clothes and boys liked them. Boys never liked me,but maybe thats cause they are boys. Whenever I wore makeup or a dress it always looked like I was trying to hard,but then again I was.

    If I were to come out i'd probably do it through letter,it's way easier to get all my thoughts out there at once,the way one of my trans friends came out was on the first day of highschool he left his coming out letter on the kitchen table for his parents to read.

    Thank you both for the support and the questions,It really made me do some thinking. I hope I answered your questions! :grin:
     
  5. BookDragon

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    So let's say you I have a magic button (I apologise, I hate the magic button but it has to be done :grin:), when I press the button you will fall asleep. You wake up tomorrow morning and your body will be EXACTLY how you want it. You can wear whatever clothes you want. You can act however you want. Everybody else in the world will think whatever you are doing is completely normal.

    So tell me. What changes?


    For a little background, I ask this question because it removes the potential for outside interference. I don't like make-up, but I feel I should learn to use it because I don't think I look enough like a girl without it. If I had the button for example, I might say that I wouldn't wear make-up ever, because then I wouldn't feel like I won't be pretty enough without it, because nobody else is using it. You see?

    The thing about this thought experiment is that the answers you give will never give ME an answer to the question you've asked. But they will give YOU an opportunity to reflect on where these ideas are coming from and what you can do about them.

    Have a go, write some answers if you have time. No pressure :slight_smile:
     
  6. xxchristinaxx

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    What changes is i'd cut my hair. Like the man in this picture.
    Medium Long Hairstyles for Men

    I wouldn't wear makeup. I'd be wearing a navy blue hoodie. My favorite pair of sweatpants and some running shoes. If I ever liked a straight girl I would act on it instead of being scared. I'd do the same with a man if they were gay or bisexual. I would be confident but not cocky. I wouldn't change personality wise but I'd be more expressive and less shy. I'd want to be able to sing with a deeper voice cause I love to sing and maybe would want to do that one day. I already talk with a low monotone voice which i'm blessed with.

    I'm starting to realize no one can really tell me if i'm transgender,Thats really something I can only answer.

    Thank you btw for helping,if you ever want help with anything i'd be glad to return the favor! :slight_smile:
     
  7. BookDragon

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    You're right, nobody can tell you if you are or are not, but you. But we can certainly help you think of things if you need it! :slight_smile: If anything else gets stuck in your head, post it here and we'll help you! It's what we're here for (*hug*)
     
  8. Miiaaaaa

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    This!

    And sounds like you'd be a lot more confident! Why not try one or two of those things and see how much better it feels? For example, you could try without the make up and wear the hoodie and sweatpants, see how you find that?


    Have a dancing banana, just because. :slight_smile:
    (!)