I'm biologically female. I dont want to just be female. I dont like it at all sometimes. I put the hair I have left up in a hat, wear sports bras and layered tank tops under button up shirts trying to conceal the fact that I inherited dd breasts from my fathers side of the family, I wear makeup to make my jawline seem more defined, Wear loose pants. Other times I wear skirts, tank tops, girly bras and lacy underwear, feminine makeup, red lipstick. I dont know what is wrong with me. I like guys and I like to look at girls but I dont think I like them sexually. But with both genders if I find someone I find very attractive I am stuck between I want them and I want to look like them. I want to shave my head currently like Bunny Bennett but my mom just screamed at me asking why I "Don't want to look like him when he dresses like a girl" and she makes a beautiful woman as much as a handsome man so I dont know... I sometimes get frustrated over how I look. So girly and disgustingly so. Other times I almost cry at the fact that I'm not a pretty girl, that my hair is short and my nose isnt petite, that I dont look good enough for either gender. I see attractive guys and I do want them in the way I "should" but at the same time I look at their body not out of lust but out of envy. why cant I look like that in that shirt, why doesnt my jawline look like that. I dont know what to think and on top of that my mom threw a christmas tree across the room when I mentioned even wanting to shave my head. When I told her I thought there was something wrong in my head she laughed at me. When I told her I punched myself when I was angry she told me to go cut myself or jump off a building. We got into an argument because she called transgenders "confused" so my guess onto her reaction: Not good. Plus I dont even know what I am. Sometimes I'm sure I'm a girl, other times I'm definitely a boy. Anyone want to share their thoughts?
Firstly, if that is you in the picture, I want to you stop talking like that, because you're stunning!! I'd give anything to look like you. Normally people can find attractive people in both sexes, but if you only sexually like guys, then have sex with guys, not a problem. Do you enjoy being a girl (self-esteem aside)? Or do you tolerate being a girl, and would really rather be a guy? Also, when you figure things out and properly come out to your mum, she may not react how you want her too. Giver her time, it's going to be a shock to her! If she still isn't supportive, forget her. See her when you want to see her.
First off thank you! But its not either of those tolerating or liking being a girl... or both. It changes. Sometimes I want to be a girl and sometimes I want to be a guy and sometimes I want to be both... I just don't know...
Hello SteamRiver, welcome to EC! I'm sorry your mother is so mean. I know it's difficult, because she's your mother and she's There, shouting these despicable things at you, but don't let her bigoted views affect you too much. She is wrong to judge you. How you describe yourself makes sense to me. I think it's natural that desire and identity overlap and are often interchangeable. I have fallen in love with people because to some extent, I wanted to be like them. And if I loved them because they were kind and generous, then I would like to think that my love for them helped me positively too. Other people I've fallen in love with because of my vanity, and they were unhealthy influences on me. So yes, it makes sense to desire to be the people we fall in love with. But desire can be confusing too when one is trying to figure out one's identity. If we lived in a perfect world, then there would be no hindrances to you being able to become whoever and however you want to be. You could dress however you want; cut your hair however you want; you would be able to act freely, and in the doing so, figure out whoever you are slowly and naturally. Unfortunately, we live in a world full of constraints. It sounds like your mother is one of your constraints. And I'm sorry it has to be so difficult figuring out who you are and who you desire. I guess I just wanted to say: whoever you are makes sense to me.
