Hey there, I'm Jay. That's not my birth name, but I'm kind of trying it on for size. Long story short, I've known that I like girls for some time now, but for the last year and a half to two years, I've been questioning my gender identity on and off as well. I'm biologically female, and I don't think I feel male, but I've been wondering if I'm something in between, like genderqueer. That, or a gender non-conforming female. I think I'm leaning toward gender non-conforming female, because I'm pretty sure I still want to be referred to with female pronouns. I like my female voice and I have no problem with my lady bits downstairs. I am, however, fascinated with binding my chest and presenting more androgynously. I realize that gender expression and gender identity are two different things. I guess I just feel obligated to identify as one or the other -- a girly girl or a manly man. And neither are really me, I don't think. Now, I know gender is a spectrum, no matter how you identify, and it's really not necessary to be one or the other. I guess that's just how I've always viewed the world since puberty. I've tried so hard over the years to fit in with the other girls at school and have dressed really girly in the past, but I just wasn't feeling it. There's a part of me, though, that's afraid that I'll be wrong, and that I'll realize later in life that I should have been a man and that I didn't do anything about it until it was too late. I'm terrified that that's going to happen, and as a result of that fear, I think I'm trying too hard to come up with an answer right now. I think I just need some time to try on different labels and see what suits me, but this sense of urgency is really getting to me. Does anyone ever feel this way? I know I'm not exactly expired milk; I'm only 20. But still. *shrug* Any advice is much appreciated.
Jay's a nice name. Why not just not go with a label? You want to try binding? Try it. You sound comfortable with being female, which is good. Doesn't mean you have to be really girly. Just do the things you want to do.
" I guess I just feel obligated to identify as one or the other -- a girly girl or a manly man." Why?
Thanks so much for the replies, ladies! Definitely good advice, Mia. I always feel so obligated to label myself as something. I find comfort in labels, I guess. There's something reassuring to me about knowing exactly what I am, and not being able to pinpoint it feels... odd. But you're absolutely right, there's no need to label myself right now. And I probably won't for a while now, until I've had time to think it over. I just find it helpful to write my feelings out on here and discuss them with other people. In response to your question, Ellia, I'm not quite sure. I realize it's rather silly to feel that way, because gender is very much a spectrum and people express themselves in a variety of different ways. There are masculine girls, feminine guys, and everything in between, and there's nothing wrong with that. I think I just happen to be a very black-and-white thinker. Plus, I'm so paranoid about my gender at this point that I'm reading into any little doubt that enters my mind. I think things like, "Am I too masculine to be a girl? Am I too feminine to be a guy? Does [such&such] make me any less of a cis-girl/transguy/genderqueer person/etc./etc.?" It's just one big, paranoid mess. But I guess the best thing to do is just let it come and see what my natural tendencies are, huh? I don't really know. It's confusing. :eusa_doh:
"I guess the best thing to do is just let it come and see what my natural tendencies are, huh?" To an extent, yes, but if it was that easy you wouldn't be here asking for help, so we'll have to think of something else to help you, won't we The thing about black-and-white thinking, or at least the way people talk about it, is that it implies that you can only have 2 choices. Incidentally, I'm not talking about missing the grey area here, I'm talking about missing the great big RED area over there that isn't between either of them. Things are very rarely one way or the other. My point is that if you need to define yourself in terms of gender, then most people find themselves somewhere along a scale and say 'well I'm somewhere between here and here' and select whatever label that happens to be. That's obviously not going to work here. But who says it's somewhere in between. Why is gender-nonconforming female anything to do with being male? All it means is not a stereotyped female. The red area. That either made sense to everyone, or only made sense in my head...if it didn't make any sense I'll try and explain it again...maybe I'll make a diagram...
It does make sense. Your answers are really superb. You know just how to get people thinking about their gender. You're right, being a gender non-conforming female doesn't necessarily have anything to do with being male. I guess I've just been so worried that I'm "missing something" important, and I'll somehow regret it later in life. But the more I think about it, the more I think that it's hard to be "wrong" about something like this. I mean, I don't lead an unhappy life as a female. I read a thread that you posted on, where you asked the OP to envision a life as the opposite sex and then one as the sex they were assigned at birth. That was really helpful, and I did just that. I can see myself being happy as a girl, but it's more difficult to picture myself as a guy. And I think that if I absolutely had to choose either male or female, I would choose female. I just think I fall more toward that end of the spectrum. I think that if I had to depict what my gender identity looks like, it'd look something like this: So you see, I do fall more in the female end of things, but more toward the middle ground than toward girly girl. I also did what you suggested on another thread and thought of what my ideal body would look like. And it's a female body. So I guess I answered my own question. I guess the question now is more how I want to express my gender. I've been thinking of cutting my hair shorter (like a pixie cut -- it's down to about my chin now), but I don't know if I'd look good with that. I've decided not to cut it until the summer at least, so I'll have time to think it over. I guess we'll have to see.
I'm so glad it made sense Glad to see you're feeling a little more positive. Also in regards to hair, it grows back! If you want to try it, go for it, if it doesn't look great it's not the end of the world!
Hello Jay! Don't worry about "missing something important" - if you listen to your inner self, and do what you want to do and what feels comfortable to you, then that's hardly a real concern, is it? I think Ellia's advice had proved sound yet again, you really seem to have yourself figured out. So, work on your gender expression! If you want to cut your hair, go for it! You can look for short styles on other people with your face shape online, and see what you think before jumping into anything drastic. If you think you'd like to bind, then go for it. But be careful - listen to your body. If it hurts, take it off. Give yourself off days to rest your chest. Binding over an extended period of time can lead to sagging, which is something to be aware of. I can recommend you a decent, inexpensive binder if you like.
Thanks, everyone! Your support means so much to me. Clockworkfox -- thanks so much for your advice! I didn't realize that excessive binding could lead to sagging. I've read not to bind for more than eight hours a day. Let's say, hypothetically, that I was binding for eight hours everyday. Would sagging still be a concern? Also, I do have a binder that I got a while ago from Underworks, and it works really well. I probably won't bind everyday, especially at this point in my life, where I'm not exactly "out" as anything but a 'tried and true' female. And most likely I won't bind before I cut my hair (if I decide to do that). I already get mistaken for being younger than I am (I have really babyish features and a tiny voice), and I figure that if I bind right now, with my hair at this length, I'll probably just get mistaken for a 12-year-old girl -- not exactly the look I'm going for. :lol: If I cut my hair, I think I do have a shot at androgyny. My features aren't particularly masculine or feminine. The only thing that might give me away is my voice, which happens to be very girly. But you're right, hair grows back, and if I decide I hate it, it's not the end of the world. I guess I just get paranoid about making such drastic changes, because I don't like to draw attention to myself, you know? I think I'd rather wait until the summer, where nobody important (mainly my peers in college) is going to see. I mean, I know they'll see it eventually, but at least I'll have time to adjust to it by myself and fine-tune it if need be, you know? Maybe I'm just strange.
