Honestly I'm not even really sure where to start this rambling I'm about to go on, or what any of it means to me personally. I'm just trying to get my thoughts down and maybe get some sort of feedback. From the few memories I retain from my childhood ( which was a bit of a mess that I only have sketchy vauge memories of anymore ) I remember I always liked watching things like Sailor moon, Lizzy Mcguire, and the Power Puff Girls...I also enjoyed more male things like Dragon Ball Z. So I mean I don't know if this is indicative of anything or not really, I'm just trying to lay everything out in one place. I especially remember one time I had been upset with my dad about something. I can't even remember what anymore, and I decided to try and make my point using the classic 'No one Understands me' which of course...prompted my dad and my brother to spend the rest of that night making fun of me -.-' ( I was like 7-8 so maybe I didn't know what I was saying, but getting made fun of still hurt ) When I started to think sexual thoughts, and I don't know if I'm the only one in the world who was like this, but I first sifted through a slew of things. I remember I'd shift around from night to night, sometimes my thoughts would be completely straight, then other times I'd have gay fantasies, but what always struck me the most was when I imagined that I was the woman in my head. I spent a long time just holding all those kinds of thoughts in because it wasn't like I could talk to anyone about them. At fourteen I came to terms with being bi, but I wound up being outed by my brother who sent my dad after me basically. This forced me further back into the closet, and deep into a depression so I really became mainly interested in expressing myself behind a computer screen ( which did me no favors in life ). I began to explore the art of Online Role Play. This was a rather interesting outlet for me, but it did lead me into dark and weird fetishes that I'd probably have never been interested in otherwise -.-' Anyways...to get back on point. Among the characters I've created both male and female I've always best associated and enjoyed my female characters the most. I especially had a love for one I had made up named 'Melody' she was rather fun to explore being, and honestly I sometimes think she might have been a reflection of who I had wished I was at the time. I'm just not fully sure anymore. Even my male characters had feminine traits so yeah... I don't Role Play anymore, but the last character I created that I felt any kind of connection too was one I'd named 'Alex Cross' although this character was quite adamant that you address him as 'Alexis' given his borderline trans nature...I never delved deep enough with him though to really discover anything about myself, but the fact that I felt connect to him makes me wonder now a days... Once I broke all those aspects of myself and started drifting from Role Playing I began to focus on real life, and I'd always had a love for my hair being long. I used to have straight up girl's hair and I remember where I worked people would sometimes think I was a girl, and in a weird way it made me kind of happy they did. Now I don't know what this all really says about me, or what it means. I know that I've never looked in the mirror and hated the fact that I have male parts, but I've also never really felt satisfied with the way I looked either. I've always wanted a more feminine body...and I don't mean androgynous ( or maybe I do I dunno ) I remember two different thoughts that once crossed my head. 1.) That I wanted to be able to be taken for a woman by others 2.) And this was when I was younger so it's only like half thought out, but I remember once thinking that I'd like to take estrogen just to feminize myself. I don't even know if it works that way, but like I said I was younger so it made enough sense to me at the time Anyways...I hope this isn't too much rambling.
You weren't lying, that is long. My phone is about to die, so when I get a minute on my laptop, I'll give it a read.
DO you ever stop to think how fun this kind of thing would be if it wasn't happening to you? Or is that just me...I can't get enough of how peoples brains work...what I'm trying to say is you ramble on all you like, I'm enjoying it! Anyway on to your thoughts. There is one aspect of what you've written here that really strikes a chord with me, and that is where you talk about your role-play characters. That was an outlet I used myself without realising it for many years. It's fascinating. You can track my mental progression from the super-manly orc of 10 years ago, then watch it move along away from physical strength and along to mental abilities (brains are for everyone) to the female characters of the last few years. It can be an excellent way of expressing our inner feelings even if we don't recognize them, HOWEVER I want to ask you about your 'connection' to these characters. I'm big in to role play, and I find that unless you are like me and really absorb human nature, characters tend to reflect the person to some extent. When you form a connection with a character there is a reason for it. So I'm wondering, what is it about your characters you felt connected to? Possibly more interestingly, what were the circumstances that caused you to create a trans character? Moving swiftly on, I would LIKE to say don't think too hard about the shows you watched as a child...personally I don't think it makes a HUGE amount of difference unless there was more too it than what you've described, although for clarities sake I will say that I was very much the same. Powerpuff girls followed by Gundam Wing? Hells yes! You've talked about the past quite a bit here, but what I'm most interested in is the present. You've told us that you don't HATE having males parts, but aren't satisfied with how you look. This could be your average body image issue. So In regard to this I am interested to know what it is you are dissatisfied with. If you find it difficult to explain what you DON'T like, then an alternative is the following: Imagine that from tomorrow morning, with nothing more than exercise and healthy living, you could have the body of your dreams. Your ideal body. What does it look like? - This question probably made things clearer to me than anything else when I was trying to figure myself out, and if you like I can tell you my answer after you've had a go. Or I can shut up, either way
Actually I rather enjoy reading a lot of these topics myself. I used to have a love for psychology and understanding people, but it died in me along with a lot of my other interests 0.0 I don't remember specifically why I chose to create my trans character, it was just something that I felt like doing that particular day. Unfortunately it was right around the time where my interest in Role playing was starting to fade on its own so I never really went too deep into that character's psyche or anything of the sort, but I really just enjoyed being that person...I don't really have any grand reason just something about it was strangely enjoyable. As to my female characters I just felt like I understood them better, or maybe they understood me better. It was easier being a girl character for me, and I felt like I was more in tune with their wants and needs when exploring the wonderful world of Role Playing...then again even as a kid I enjoyed picking girl characters in my video games so maybe I just feel more comfortable thinking of myself in feminine terms I'm not really sure. It sounds like we probably watched the same channels growing up xD I've actually started doing a bit of exercise/yoga as of the last week of 2013, and I don't plan on stopping anytime soon. I really don't know what sort of body type in specific I want...I know I don't want a masculine body type though I hate the idea of having big muscles and all that, I want to be either a more athletic build or have a more feminine physique. Basically I want a body type where if I ever got comfortable enough to try cross dressing out in public I could not only get away with it but maybe even convince people I was a girl 0.0 I do talk about my past a lot, but it because I've only just recently been able to drive myself towards the future, and I was shut down for most of the present...I'm trying to lay the stuff from my past that always held me back out on the table so I can feel confident that I'll be able to move completely past it. I guess it's just that I'm trying to make sure that nothing will be there to hold me back when I start making the bigger pushes towards the future ---------- Post added 4th Jan 2014 at 01:07 PM ---------- I hope you enjoy the read
First off, I'd like to say that I loved Powerpuff Girls and Lizzy McGuire growing up! Powerpuff Girls was probably the single greatest cartoon of my childhood! Secondly, not sure what kind of role-playing games you're talking about. (D&D, RuneScape, WoW?) But I get what you mean, having female characters in games just feels so much better! And I know you've shut out most of the present, but anything you can tell us?
I'm glad I'm not the only one :3 Not role playing games...Role playing. It's different, but not really xD The present...it's not really that I've shut it out, it's just been dull, boring, and uneventful The most recent thing really is just that I'm pretty sure my dad is attempting to make efforts to reach out to me or whatever, but in his own weird little way. He offered to let me move in with him and he'd help me out with getting a job and a car and stuff, but I turned him down. It took some thought on my part though. I didn't really just casually toss him off to the side, but money isn't everything in the world, and I really just need the people I've surrounded myself with at the moment so I don't slip back into depression which is why I had to decline him on his offer. I haven't really forgiven him either, and don't plan on doing so anytime soon. He just wants to brush our stuff under the rug, and if I could do that I'd happily just forget that it happened, but I really can't if you haven't noticed its where my head always goes anyways...so my thoughts on that is that until he acknowledges or apologizes I'm just not bothering to deal with it. Maybe that's in bad taste, but I don't care it's a decision I made for myself and I have no regrets about it Beyond that...my present has been uneventful beyond yoga, exercise, and job applications.
Ooh, how does that work? And I dunno, it's nice that he's reaching out to you! And it's true that money isn't everything, it's nice to surround yourself with supportive people. But have you considered telling him that? Hopefully he apologises soon, so you two can fix things. And anything promising on the job front yet?
I'm sorry I'm feeling scatter brained today, how does what work? 0.0 I guess it's nice that he's making that kind of effort. I sort of told him in a way, but not really so much in any kind of direct terms...-.-' I just really try to avoid that kind of stuff I don't deal well with it >.> Maybe, who knows? Hopefully, my friend said he'd talk to the manager at Radio Shack since he knows him.
