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Detransitioning?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by ember, Jan 4, 2014.

  1. ember

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    Hi, I'm a poster who hasn't been around for a while because of some computer problems, hopefully I can come here more often.

    Anyway, for a while I've been comfortable identifying as female to myself and online. But recently I think I've been detransitioning. I don't feel like I'm supposed a girl as much as I did even just a couple months ago. Sometimes I think that my thoughts of transition are just me subconciuosly forcing myself to believe I'm a girl because I felt this way stronger in the past. Also, I don't feel as badly about the bodily dysphoria, like I still feel terrible about myself but not as much, which makes me think I'm detransitioning. Now, this seems like it could be a good thing, that now I don't have to worry about my gender and I can just live as a guy and be fine, but the thing is; I don't want to detransition. So basically, I can tell that I might be going back to being fine with being male, but I just feel like it will be even more of a shock to my identity. If I detransition, I'll look back on this time of my life and think "Just what the hell was wrong with me?" and still feel strange about gender even if I have no dysphoria.
     
  2. Techno Kid

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    Do you want to be seen as a girl, rather than a boy? If you want to be trans* than you are trans* as most cis people don't want that.
     
  3. ember

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    I would rather be seen as a girl, but that thought has been getting less over time. And also; I don't want to be trans*, but I also don't want to detransition. I don't know how it will feel either way; if I detransition then I'll probably just have a seperate identity crisis about if I really can just stay a boy. If I'm trans, then I dont really know right now, and I don't know how long it will take for me to really know. I'm also afraid if I come out to everyone and I do start living as a girl and I detransition, It'll have to be such a big thing, like "Hey, remember how I was fussing that I was really a girl? Yeah, nevermind, I'm back to being a boy." I don't want to have to put up with that either.
     
  4. Techno Kid

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    Now that I think of it, Chercheur here on EC might be a really good person to talk to about this stuff. They went through a lot of the things you are dealing with now. You can tell them that I sent you their way. :slight_smile:
     
  5. anonym

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    I don't know your specific situation but have you looked into the possibility of being bi gender or gender fluid? There are some people who post videos on youtube and stuff who alternate from male to female periodically. So they may be a guy for several months and then change to being a girl and go back to being a guy again. It's not just dressing either. They actually have separate kind of identities as one or the other. I guess this could be the case for any gender as well as the binaries.
     
  6. DhammaGamer

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    You're 13, have you already started on hrt?
     
  7. ember

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    I guess I've never really considered this a possibility for myself. The therapist I've been seeing (not gender-specific BTW) says that I'm probably bipolar, but bigendered couldn't be a bad explanation.
    No, with my whole uncertainty thing I don't want to make any progress if it may be in the wrong direction.
     
  8. Nick07

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    Hi,
    you are 13, during puberty a lot of things can happen and even therapists say that the view of gender and your feelings about it can change either way at that time. If you don't feel well as a male, it will show. It can be several years from now, but it will. You have a lot of time ahead.
    I would put coming out on hold and do things that would make me happy.
     
  9. chercheur

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    Honestly, it's tricky. If you decide down the line you DO want to transition, you may regret not pursuing puberty blockers now while you're so young.

    I'm going to give you a couple words of wisdom as someone who's been there and back and there again: running from who you are doesn't work. There are many things in life you can escape, in fact pretty much everything. But who you are inside is the one thing you can't. Unfortunately its what scares us off the most sometimes, so its understandable yoyre getting cold feet.

    If you are transgender and know you're transgender, this issue hasn't gone away even if you think it has and it won't go away with time. It will just keep coming back, and back and back, and every time you run away is another time you're going to have to go up against it again and it won't go away until you finally face it.

    After being on hormones for a while, I detransitioned briefly, cuz I allowed my fears to hold me back. It didn't take. Every "good reason" I had to detransition disappeared once I stripped away the fear, and all I was left with was me and that same issue I had since my earliest memory. So my choice was to run in the right direction. Bear in mind, this is my experience, not yours...it's only relevant if it's relevant.

    As for other people, whooo carees. If you want to transition, do it and if you decide it's not right for you, detransition. This is YOUR reality, and YOU make it, and anyone who can't keep up is too stupid to be apart of your experience, anyway. You know what, I've gone back and forth and been judged by everybody,and the one thing I've learned is if sonebdy is tryna bring me down, I'm already above them. I like myself, a lot, actually, a whoole lot more than I like most people. I'm just cooler than them, in general, and I'm living to please ME and if someone has a problem with me, then they just aren't of my caliber.

    I digress.. point is, love yourself, do what you want and ignore stupid people cuz they don't matter.
     
  10. DhammaGamer

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    Although it is preferable to avoid puberty and get on hormones at a young age, you shouldn't feel like it is necessary for a successful transition. If you aren't sure yet, then don't force it. I don't know a single trans person in my regular daily life who started transition prior to puberty. If, on the other hand, you are certain that transition is what you want and need to be happy in your body, then get on hrt right away, cuz I wish more than anything that I had known about hormones at your age.
     
  11. Miiaaaaa

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    Yeah! I certainly wish I'd known before puberty!
     
  12. ember

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    I wish I was still before puberty...
     
  13. ember

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    Progress report.

    I've pretty much realized some things:
    -I've been through these feelings before. I never knew it at the time, but I went through a whole summer without a feeling of feminity, and this was after I had already started feeling this way. soon after, I started feeling trans* again.
    -Considering that I feel this way at all, I can say something for sure- I can't be male.
    -I haven't eliminated non-binary for myself, but I guess I'll just find out as I go further into being a girl, which for now I think is the right direction.
     
  14. AlexisAnne

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    Hi Ember, it's nice to meet you :slight_smile:

    Gender is tricky, and it's a difficult thing for some to figure out, and there's nothing wrong with that. I know when I was growing up, I went through long periods of time where I honestly thought that if I tried hard enough I could live as male. On the surface level I even managed to convince myself I might not be Trans, but it never really stuck. Once or twice a year the feelings of dysphoria would break through and hit me like a semi truck. Sometimes we repress these things without really realizing that we're actively repressing them, if that makes sense. We think they've gone away, but it's really part of our sub conscious that's pushed those feelings down.

    It sounds like, from your recent post, you're leaning pretty heavily toward feeling Trans again. Which is fine. Take a little bit of time, explore those feelings with a therapist and see where they lead. Like a few others have mentioned, I wish I had known much earlier in life what I know now. The earlier you start on hormones, particularly at your age, the better your transition results are going to be, but you have some time before those results are really going to go way down hill, so make sure you're certain before you start.

    I wish you the best, and I hope you're able to figure things out concretely.