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FAAB genderqueer person and dating a cis lesbian - Advice?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Dapper, Jan 5, 2014.

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  1. Dapper

    Dapper
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    Okay, this post may be a tad long, but I'm desperate for advice. My girlfriend and I dated for a year and two months back when I still identified as cis, had long hair, and I just seemed like a slightly masculine lesbian. Then her and I broke up. Now, before I continue, here is some info on my girlfriend (she's an amazing person, I promise):

    My girlfriend is lesbian and is attracted to very feminine women. She herself is extremely feminine (*cough* and gorgeous *cough*) and she was never attracted to masculinity on women (or men, for that matter). Masculinity in general is unattractive to her. Now, she isn't shallow, but looks matter to her in a partner. All this will come into play later. Now, back to what I was saying. My girlfriend and I were broken up for a year, give or take a few months, and I came out to her as genderqueer back in July (we got back together two months ago). She of course had many questions, but she overall accepted me. So coming back into this relationship, she knew about my identity, and my want (need) to look more masculine and she knew my plans to get a binder, possible top surgery, and everything else (I do not have plans to ever go on T). At the beginning, everything was fine, but my gender issue soon reared its ugly head. Less than three weeks into our relationship (getting back together), my girlfriend nearly dumped me. Since then she has almost broken up with me 2+ times (I'm not quite sure) and we've gotten into many arguments about gender. She simply is not attracted to me physically. I also can't wear my binder around her or FaceTime with it or anything because it makes her very upset to see me with it. She also becomes very upset when I am in masculine attire (such as in my avatar above) she can't stand to see me. She hates the way I look in those clothes. Now, all my clothes are more masculine, but it's the ties, dress-up shirts, etc. that really get to her. She has never called me handsome, and has told me she'll never be able to. She says she fell in love with a girl, and now it's as if she has to fall in love all over again with that girl's twin brother. She loves me more than anything (I know that for a fact ((long story))), but this gender thing is becoming a larger and larger issue. She hates my physical appearance and is not attracted to me. She just.. She likes women. Love is pure, blind, all of those things, but we all know that sometimes love.. Just isn't enough. Sometimes, and I'll be honest, she does treat me a bit bad without realizing it because she gets so upset over my gender. We both know we're most likely going to end up breaking up and just losing each other again... She says that I should know she'll always return to me, but I'm not so sure about that. She loves women too much. Feminine women. And she makes that very clear whenever this issue once again comes up. I'm sorry, I know this is a bit of a ramble, but I'm so lost.. I don't know what to do to try and help her to accept and support me. I can't even talk to her about personal issues (like when I'm having a particularly dysphoric day) for fear she'll leave me. I know this is an extremely convoluted situation, but does anyone have any advice? Or have any of you gone through something similar? Any help is very appreciated xoxo.
     
    #1 Dapper, Jan 5, 2014
  2. A Real Male

    A Real Male
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    She sounds toxic to me, honestly. She should be able to love you no matter WHAT you are, but that's where the problem comes with cis/non-pan(or bi) orientations. I'm sure many are in your place, and it's very hard to give any advice.

    Luckily for me, I'm with my cis-gender lesbian girlfriend who loves me no matter WHAT. Yeah, she doesn't dig males at all but she accepts me 100% and happily calls me Elliott. She's not ashamed of me and tells everyone about {birthname}/Elliott and they all know it's the same person. She knew I was genderqueer before we dated and even then she fully encouraged me. Hell, she's even willing to buy me a binder and we cuddle all the same. Someone like that--who has 0 sexual attraction to males--is a keeper because she supports me and knows that I'm going through such a struggle and different oppression than she is. Whenever I feel dysphoric and said "you love girls, not a man" she just smiles and says, "No, I love you and only want you." I wish EVERY lover was like this to their non-binary partners. I understand how disabling it is to have a lover where everything was dandy until one comes out as non-binary. It's time for people to stop being so hung up about sexuality and start being hung up about who their lovers ARE, and love them regardless of their identities.

    My ex was extremely uncomfortable and flat-out refused to call me Elliott, she even caused me to re-closet myself for four years. I now realize that she's toxic and honestly she always has been. Those are the people to avoid. They cannot pick and choose their traits of their lovers, it's take them how it is or leave. That's what you should say to her. If she HONESTLY loved you, your girlfriend would have NOT caused you this grief when you already struggle with identity and transitioning.

    Sorry if I'm rambling a lot, it's 3:30am here haha but I don't even see a mention of possibly packing/bottom surgery. So what gives? I guess it'd have to do with the feminine aspect. You should NEVER be afraid of your lover (or reaction) no matter what. I say, take her to a PFLAG meeting near you or other trans* support groups.

    You're still you, regardless of your genderqueerness (which translates to awesomeness). So I'll stop babbling and make a statement:

    See if she's willing to go to a trans* support/PFLAG meeting with you, ask if she's even WILLING to learn more about it and become open minded or leave her. There is no reason you should stay dysphoric because of an unsupportive (practically a bit oppressive) girlfriend who is too hung up about your gender rather than you as a person.

    You have to look after your own mental health and I understand you don't want to leave her. But she sounds toxic and if she's not even willing to understand and sit at a support group with you, then I say it's not worth it. I can't really tell you anything and neither can anyone else because ultimately it's your life and your decision, but have her take a nice long examine at YOUR side and YOUR struggles instead of her wanting feminine lovers. That whole "She said she fell in love with a girl" bit is shattering but it is revealing that she also cares about femininity/masculinity which you do not seem to fit the bill.

    I hope everything I said made sense, I'm snoozing on my keyboard. But best of luck, and let us know how it goes. I'll probably fix up what I said/add on with a different post as I wake up more.
     
    #2 A Real Male, Jan 5, 2014
    Last edited: Jan 5, 2014
  3. Dapper

    Dapper
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    I see we're in the same timezone, lol. Anyway, I get what you're saying :/ it IS a bit toxic for me, I'll admit that. She never forgets to remind me of just how unattractive she finds me, and just the other day she said "I think this whole gender shit is stupid" referring to my identity :/ and it really sucks because when I DO try to show her my side of things, she doesn't try to understand me at all. She just says "if I make you so unhappy them why don't you just leave me?" When we both know I never will. It just sucks because when we're good, we're REALLY good, but when this comes up.. It just gets bad.

    Unfortunately, neither of us can really go to trans* support meetings, as I'm not out about my gender to my parents and she's not out to her parents about her sexuality or (obviously) dating me. She has done research (she researched for hours when I first came out), so she knows the basics, but she can't seem to understand my actual feelings, and she has a very binary-focused mindset due to how she was brought out and whatnot. She's by no means transphobic, as I know she would fully accept and support me as a friend, it's just being her partner that throws a wrench into the gears. It's so complicated and frustrating :/ .
     
    #3 Dapper, Jan 5, 2014
  4. Miiaaaaa

    Miiaaaaa
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    To be blunt, if she's not attractive to masculinity and you're wanting to be masculine, I don't see how it's going to work unless one of you changes. (But you shouldn't have to!)
    You've said that she will support you as a friend, so why not just be friends? :slight_smile:
    (I get that it'll be hard because you do like each other, but it might just be the way to go.)
     
    #4 Miiaaaaa, Jan 5, 2014
  5. Dapper

    Dapper
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    If her and I break up.. I don't think we'd be able to be friends :/ not for a while at least. We have a LOT of history (years of it) and being friends is hard for us, y'know? Just because of the intense romantic part of it. I feel selfish for wanting her to stay so bad, but I still don't want her to ever leave.
     
    #5 Dapper, Jan 5, 2014
  6. A Real Male

    A Real Male
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    Actually I moved to CO but I'm in the east for another two weeks haha.

    Anyway, can you drive and do you have a car? Perhaps you can tell your parents you're going elsewhere and sneak in a meeting? I've known some people who've done that but if it's too risky than don't bother. You seem to be totally blinded in love by her, which is normal. I think you should assert your side or even an ultimatum, tell her straight up "Accept me as I am, or find someone else. I'll never change to suit your preference."

    Now that's the easy-in-theory thing to do. In practice? I recommend the above but the issue is you're so in love it's going to be very difficult to break off. But also remember, you're both young. She may not be the one, she can't be if she's giving you too much shit about not being feminine.

    Ultimately, do what's best for you. You deserve to pursue happiness in anyway you see fit, so expressing as a male is your every right. If she's too bothered by that--honestly, I say leave her.

    That's just me, and I know it's easier said than done. You can try and make it work but it seems inevitable unless she completely turns around which doesn't sound likely.
     
    #6 A Real Male, Jan 5, 2014
  7. Dapper

    Dapper
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    Yeah, I understand :/ thanks for the advice. It really helped a lot. And you're right, the end of the relationship is inevitable :x. I'll try what you said. Thank you.
     
    #7 Dapper, Jan 5, 2014
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