Am I just a femme gay guy, or something more?

Alright, so for reasons that are not entirely clear to me myself, for whatever reason I get urges (and act on them) to express myself like a girl, I wear girls' clothing, I paint my nails, I wear eyeliner and eyeshadow, sometimes even walk out of the house wearing make-up. And yeah I always a carry a purse with me, though I'll tell people I'm just dressing European and carrying a man's bag like they do in Europe. I wear lots of bright flashy colorful outfits, when colorful outfits are only supposed to be for girls. I also have done, and greatly enjoyed, doing drag, I love getting all dolled up as a drag queen.

Though unfortunately living at home with my parents, I can't really do any of this stuff, one time I came home from a drag party, I washed off all the makeup, only a little bit of eyeliner was left that wouldn't come off, I came home and my parents threw a fit, telling me I can't do this as long as I'm living in their house, they told me if I want to do this I need to go live with the freaks in the Village. Then when my mother found out I've been wearing girls' leggings, it was a war in my house, she hit me and screamed that I'm not walking out of the house wearing them and I almost missed a doctor's appointment she was refusing to take me to until I went and changed. She tried to throw my pink girls' leggings out on me, I found them in the trash, I quickly grabbed them and went and hid them where she wouldn't find them.

My mother apparently is convinced I am trans, and has been telling people this, she told all her friends and family that I'm like Chaz Bono. I've had awkward conversations with my aunt where I explained that no, I'm not like Chaz Bono, as a gay guy I just like some feminine things. I definitely do not consider myself transsexual.

Sometimes I really femme it up with my outfits, I wear pink girls' leggings and pink Converse. (You can look at my recent pictures in my album to see examples of my pink leggings and pink Converse and also another femme outfit I wore that got me addressed as "ma'am" at Starbucks. You can look at my SI Pride album to see examples of my bright green leggings that I wore to the local pride parade.)

In fact I own a fair amount of girls' clothing, mostly skinny leggings that fit me better. At first I was buying them mostly because they just fit me so well compared to guy's clothing. (The first time I bought girls' clothing was almost accidental, I tried on this pair of guys' green skinny jeans at H&M, but the smallest size they carry is 28 and it was way too big for me, falling off me. I was so disappointed, since I really wanted some skinny green pants. Then across the other side of the store I spotted these green leggings, they just so happened to be on the women's side of the store, but I tried them on and they fit me so well I just had to have them.)

But now I buy and wear girls' clothing cause I feel like I'm expressing some sort of inner feminine that has been suppressed all these years.

I've been mistaken for a girl on numerous occasions. As mentioned earlier, I posted a pic in my album of an outfit I wore with a white cardigan sweater, light blue summer scarf, and skinny jeans, an outfit which resulted me in getting addressed as "ma'am" at Starbucks. (Coincidentally it also got me called "faggot" by some rude jerks out on the street just while walking down the sidewalk.)

On one occasion it involved being told I'm headed into the wrong bathroom at a bookstore in Chelsea, some kindly old gentleman was so generous as to put his arm over my shoulder and point me, "little lady", to the ladies' room, when I turned around and said 'excuse me' in my manliest voice possible, apparently that was enough to 'correct' him, the look of shock and disgust was evident when he realized it was actually a faggot rather than his lovely "little lady", he didn't look at me or say a word after that, it was very awkward walking into that same bathroom with him then.

Another time again involved a bathroom, at The Dostoevsky Museum in St. Petersburg, Russia. Me and this other guy I was with both had to go to the restroom, so we asked this old babushka lady sitting at a desk where the bathrooms were. Our Russian being not quite perfect, we didn't quite understand why she was directing him one way and me the other way. I started just following him, but she stopped me, repeatedly saying the word "women's" in Russian, and insisted I go the other way, Apparently she thought we were husband and wife or boyfriend and girlfriend or something, I started walking toward the door she was pointing me to and clearly saw the ladies' room figure sign on it, so I walked back, and not knowing quite what to say in my less-than-perfect Russian, all I said was, literally, "I am a boy", just two words in Russian (Я мальчик. Ya malchik.) And a look of shock and amazement and mild disgust came over her face, and she started waving me rapidly toward the men's room.


........

However, having said all that, I love having a penis, I like my flat chest, I would never want to physically change my body to be female.

So right now I'm just kinda confused, do you think I am just femme gay guy with some feminine traits, or is something more to my gender-bending?

 

Well I am most comfortable being myself. To be clear, I don't identify as a femme gay guy, I just assumed that was the label that would best describe me, but with my increasingly feminine internal feelings and behavior and dressing, I'm not so sure any more, hence why I started this thread to seek others' opinions.

 

Haha no it's not rude, we haven't spoken in soooo loooong anyway, I miss talking to you! (*hug*)

The thing is, I tend to enjoy being gendered as female. (Actually to be entirely honest, my initial reaction when I'm gendered female and then am reveled to be male is fear, of judgment, and of potential violence :icon_sad But otherwise I find it mildly humorous, and think oh, I'm so fabulous that people think I must be a girl.

I have been researching more about genderqueerness (and genderfuck), and if anything I wonder whether I really am genderqueer or genderfuck. Or else maybe I'm really just fucked up in the head and completely crazy.

I don't see myself being a transgirl, because, on the other hand, I enjoy being a gay boy so much, I think gay male couples are the cutest things ever. (I know you personally experienced that and it motivated you to recently go through a gay boy phase yourself).

 

Ha well maybe. But I think there was a hint of patronizing sexism in the way this strange man felt entitled to put his arm over my shoulder and address me as "little lady".

Oh I totally disrespect gender roles and stereotypes. Fuck all gender norms, is my attitude.

Ha I love theatre, I go to Broadway shows all the time. Going to see a musical is my favorite activity for a date.

(One of my favorite memories was going on a date to see the musical Pippin on Broadway with this total drama geek who knew all the actors on stage and was able to get me backstage to meet them. )

But unfortunately my severe social anxiety prevented me from ever getting involved in theatre myself, even though I wish I could be up on stage with you.

Yeah I guess independence really provides the gateway to finding out how you truly want to express yourself.

Unfortunately living in my parents' house at age 23 has greatly suppressed my ability to express myself in gender non-conforming ways.

Another factor for me is the aforementioned anxiety. When I take my anti-anxiety meds, I feel totally free to femme it up and will walk out the door proudly wearing my tight-fitting hot pink girls' leggings and eyeliner. When I'm off the meds, I suddenly feel embarrassed for myself for walking out the door like that, I think about how ridiculous I must have looked, and what people must have thought, and I dress in a much more masculine way.

 

Haha well just so you know you can feel free to wall message me if you ever need someone to talk to! (*hug*)

I don't know, a little bit of both I think. I find it funny because it surprises and takes me aback a little, since I wasn't consciously trying to look like a girl when I got dressed that morning, I just did look like a girl.

Yet in the back of my mind, each time I feel like it was some sort of success on my part, like I accomplished this subconscious desire to express myself as a girl.

Haha nah, I'm definitely crazy, and I'm wondering if it's just my craziness making me walk out of the house wearing eye liner, pink leggings, and a purse.

Oh yeah I totally agree, gay boys are the cutest things ever.

I just like boys so much. That's my main motivation for why I fight so hard for the Boys team in the Boys vs. Girls thread, despite my own identity insecurities.

Oh well I think I do feel comfortable being a gay boy. Just a gay boy who likes to look and act and almost kinda be a girl on some days.

 

I suppose that's a possibility. I suppose stereotypical urban gay males are known for having many feminine traits.

So I guess I'm just confused right now as to whether I am just another urban gay male, or if there is something else going on in my brain.

 

Oh yeah if I didn't make it clear, I have no desire whatsoever to physically transition in any way. As I said, I love having a penis and flat chest, no desire to have a female body. So I'm definitely not transsexual.

I guess I'm more curious if I might be genderqueer or some other non-binary gender status.

Androgyny is basically what I aspire for myself. I want to walk into a room and have people guessing "is that a boy or a girl?" (And evidently I have been succeeding thus far! )

My entire mindset toward gender issues I guess would best be described as postgender. I want to live my life as if I lived in a world where the social construct of gender no longer existed, a world where we are all just human beings, not defined by what sort of plumbing we have down there.

 

OMG thanks a ton for that video. I can relate to pretty much everything he said. More and more I feel like androgyny is just my natural mindset, which I think would explain why I like to carry myself and dress in ways that force people on the street to question and guess whether that's a boy or a girl they just saw walking by.

I mean, I hear people talk about how they say they know they are "female" or "male" in their brains. I don't feel either. There's no part of my brain that says "I know I'm male" nor is there is a part of my brain that says "I know I'm female." All I feel is that I'm just me, I have male aspects and female aspects side-by-side in my brain. (And part of me just says fuck all gender completely, and that I really am just me, gender being completely irrelevant to my life.)

So maybe I really am just a male-sexed androgynous person. (Fortunately I was blessed with the physical traits to pull it off, I'm short and super-skinny and very petite in frame, I can shop in the girls' sections of stores very easily. And I'm incredibly grateful to have my smooth boyish skin and relatively little body and facial hair, I can't even grow a beard if I wanted to- which I don't.)

I'm fine just being an androgynous gay boy who just flips the middle finger to all gender norms.

Though I find it hard to believe that he was insulted with comments like being called a "fucking creature" by members of the LGBT community and that it took him four years to find a single guy who was interested in him....he's so incredibly super-cute and gorgeous! Like I would literally marry him in a heartbeat. :love:

(Androgyny is just so sexy, I wish there were more androgynous gay boys out there that I could make a boyfriend out of. )

 

Lol how did I miss this post. I had to google pics of a young Baryshnikov, not sure if I really look like him, but thanks for the compliments.

The thing with my more femme outfits (like the hot pink leggings) is I feel like I look ridiculous in them, I feel like I'm doing real-life trolling when I go out dressed like that. Like that what kind of serious guy goes out dressed like that?

And I feel like there are two obstacles preventing me from feeling free to express myself genuinely, to express myself as if I were left entirely to my own devices (and thus leaving me in a more repressed and confused state):

A) My parents. Living with them and their complete disapproval of me wearing anything other than dark boring 'manly' clothes has really engraved deep in my unconscious the idea that it is totally wrong and sick for a guy to dress in a girly way. Actually living with them has basically forced me into the closet and suppress any hint of gayness too, but that's another story...


B) My anxiety. Social and generalized anxiety. When I walk out the door dressed like in a femme way, I get paranoia that everyone around me is looking at me and judging me and that someone is going to beat me up or kill me for being a faggot. One time, during a date experience with a crazy guy, he had us both get done up in drag and then make out as lesbians.


As I said, when I take anti-anxiety meds, I suddenly feel much more free to explore my feminine side. Seriously when I pop a few Klonopin, I femme it up totally, I proudly walk out the door wearing my hot pink leggings and eyeliner, not giving a hoot when anyone will think, even my voice gets more fabulous- high-pitched and girly- I totally queen it up. It's weird how much I change the way I act when I don't have anxiety weighing me down.

But then when the meds wear off, it's like waking up the next day after a crazy night of drinking and wondering what the fuck did I just do. I look at pictures of me out like that and am filled with shame and embarrassment wondering what people must have been thinking about me for dressing like that.

If I lived independently and were anxiety-free, I feel like I would be much more adventurous than I already am when it comes to gender-bending. And I feel like I would be much more capable of discerning who I really am, whereas right now I'm afraid to be completely honest with myself about who I am.