Oh guys, I feel very bad in this period. Let me to explain the situation and present myself, otherwise you can't understand. One year ago, I understand that I am an unusual person. My face, my body, my voice, my feelings...are androgynous. I was born as female, but since I was 2 years old, I look like a boy. Everybody always think that I am a boy, and when I dress as a girl, some people look at me thoughtfully, as if they ask themselves "This is a strange girl. I think she is a boy!" I indentify myself as a man, I've never been a girl. I love being androgynous, because my look is original, different from a look (for example) of a butch girl. I look like a delicate, aristocratic boy, like a dandy. I love girls. I love being a gentlemen with them, being sweet, sensitive, romantic but manly and mysterious at the same time. What is the problem? I was omophobic, because of my education during my childhood. But now, my family accept myself with no problem. A first part of my identity loves me, tell me that I am a good person, good-looking, with good feelings...but a second part HATE me! It says me that I don't deserve to live, that no girl can love me because I don't deserve this...I don't deserve to be happy in my live. As if there's a person inside my soul who says this horrible things. I am SCARED if I look like a butch, and I hate identify myself as a lesbian. I love use the word "gynesexual". I don't want to have relationships with any gay or lesbian people, but I know I am wrong. Am I omophobic? Or I don't accept myself? Why I hate myself? I'm so sad...
Yeah, I forgot the "h" (english is my second language). My mother was against gay people. When on tv there was a trans or a gay, she always said "Oh my God! It's terrible! What a nasty people!" (for education, I mean what my mother taught me about life) But now, she said she loves me as I am.
If your family accepts you, that is a wonderful blessing. Not everyone is so fortunate. Have you tried discussing this with them? After all, they love you. Perhaps a good hug will help more than paragraph after paragraph of posts here.
You're right. I discussed with them yet and my family says that it's no important if I am a boy or a girl, gay or straight. The problem...is me.
So do you think what you were taught as a kid is still in your head now? Like, can you still hear your mom in your head telling you that gay people are disgusting?
Well, first off you should know that you are completely normal. There is nothing wrong with being a lesbian, or feeling gender fluid. I think you might need to explore your feelings, including your feeling that you are ashamed of yourself with a therapist. I think that hearing your family condemn gay people at a young age has influenced your view of yourself. You are subconsciously repeating the things you heard when you bring up the issue of your sexuality with yourself. You need to acknowledge that you are normal and try not to feel ashamed for being who you are.
Thank you so much for the support. It's very hard for me. I don't have friends, I rarely go out, I take refuge sleeping so I live less the day, like I'm died. :icon_sad:
Sure. Just post here when you are feeling bad. Someone is always on these boards with the same issues as you. (*hug*)
Fan of Star Wars? If so you'll know this. If not, take this fictional character's advice to heart. "You must unlearn what you have learned" -Yoda Unlearn to hate people because of who they are. This means getting rid of homophobic thoughts you were instilled with. Learn to respect everyone and love yourself as you are. That takes time, but you will find your way.
