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Going Crazy Over Gender

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Ash93, Jan 8, 2014.

  1. Ash93

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    Right, this is going to be a little long because nobody knows about any of this, but I can't take these thoughts running circles in my head anymore. Technically I'm a girl, and right now I identify as such, but i recently read an article written by an FTM for FTM's about transitioning, as it was linked to me by one of my friends to share with others. I was curious to see what transitioning was like, because I believe people should view things from multiple mindsets, so I just started reading.

    Unfortunately my whole world feel apart after that. See, I think I've been in denial for the last few two years or so. In eighth grade, I started questioning my sexuality, because while I was attracted to guys, something wasn't right. Then I started thinking I might be a lesbian, or bi, and I just decided "screw it, I'll be whatever I want to be!" Except the following year, I started thinking about guys again, but it was different. My best friend dressed up as a guy over Thanksgiving break to test her fashion skills, and I remember being really jealous because she made a HOT guy, and I new that just wasn't going to look great on me. And then I was sad for like four days, before telling myself to get over it.

    I didn't think much of it because I was beyond stressed over school, but then this year, more and more frequently I've been thinking about relationships, as teenagers are wont to do. I was thinking about guys all the time, but if I ever had this scene playing in my head, I wasn't a girl, I was another guy! Which isn't right, cause I'm a girl! And I have no problem with the GLBTQ community, in fact I go to an alternative school where 99% of the students are part of the community, but why is this happening?! I was perfectly fine being a girl until high school, and now I'm panicking just a bit. I have no idea what's going on, and I'm looking for some advice, because this has really thrown me for a loop.
     
  2. BookDragon

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    Well there are a handful of possibilities...I'll tell you what my initial thought was before you got to the last half of the post, and then I'll go on to something else, hopefully somewhere in it you'll find something useful!

    So initially, I questioned what you had been reading. You would be amazed at how easy it is to go through a list of things people have written about how they knew they were trans and find something that applies to you. Seriously, it happens ALL the time. This can be from minor things like a girl who likes to wear more stereotypically male clothes, to disliking your body! This is why I have a problem with a lot of information for trans people because it tends to list a bunch of things that really don't mean a lot to anyone but the person who wrote the list! So initially I thought perhaps you had read something in there and thought 'that sounds like me' and then run into panic mode accidentally and come out here!

    Then you mentioned two things that altered that theory (although it didn't change it completely, and it could still be quite accurate even with these two things). The first being your jealousy when your friend managed to look like a hot guy and you thought you never could. The second being the part where you think of yourself sometimes as a guy in a gay relationship. These two things aren't proof of anything by the way, so please don't think that just because I've brought them up they must prove that you're trans or something :slight_smile:

    You will struggle to find out why this is happening, until you have a better idea exactly WHAT is happening. So start by trying to think about this;

    Aside from these fantasies when you think about relationships, are you happy being a girl? Do you ever think about being a guy outside of these relationship fantasies?

    Now think about the fantasies, you say you see yourself as a guy, how does this feel and how is it different to how you usually feel?
     
  3. Ash93

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    Up until high school, I really had no issue being who I was. I was really confident in my body, I was very athletic, and I just enjoyed life. Then I had growth spurt and I went up a cup size in about a month's span of time, and that made me rather irritated. I don't really like having breasts. I find them annoying, hard to deal with, and just plain irritating. I often wear hoodies, and I think it might be because it covers them up, though I could be wrong. I don't really have massive issues with my body... I don't think I do anyway, but I find that certain things keep standing out in my head.

    For example, I'll be going about a regular activity that I do every day, and then I can't stop thinking about what it would be like to be a guy. And I simply cannot imagine a relationship where I'm my gender now, because the last time I was in a relationship, when we got a little more physical, all I could think about was how something wasn't right. I didn't feel anything like this until high school (stupid high school and its stupid hormones) and I think this... thing might be escalating.
     
  4. BookDragon

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    Well there is always the chance that there is an element of familiarity (or lack of) here. I mean if the issues basically started around the time your body started making big changes then it's entirely possible you're just not used to them yet. Go figure you might not feel right in a body that feels and looks different to the one you've had for the last few years!

    "I can't stop thinking about what it would be like to be a guy"

    So what would it be like, do you think?
     
  5. Ash93

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    Well, for one thing, I'm really big on muscles. I like to be strong and I hate being taken advantage of. There are certain muscles that guys have that women simply don't that I'm insanely jealous of. Plus, they build muscle easier, it's more defined, and it looks better than I consider muscle on my body.

    When I think about being a guy, I can just imagine myself walking down the street and there's more...confidence? I'm not sure what to call it, but there's an extra element there that simply isn't there now. I remember in seventh grade, I cut all my hair off and spiked it in this really amazing style, and my sister told me I looked like a guy once she saw it. I don't think a comment has affected so much in a while. I was all warm and happy for the rest of the night while we were out at a roller derby, and I kept thinking that if it weren't for my dress, maybe I would look like a guy.

    I don't know if this really explains it, but there is something more to being a guy. Which is kind of strange since it's just a gender, but it's there.
     
  6. BookDragon

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    So how about being a girl? Is it just your breasts you don't like? What do you like and dislike about being a female?
     
  7. Ash93

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    I don't think I inherently hate my genitals, but I'm kind of indifferent to them. Sort of like a detached part of my body (maybe?). I almost couldn't care less if they were gone and I just had two legs. If I could I would just vanish my breasts and leave some nice pecs, but there's no magic in the world that could that. I also feel like as a girl, there's a smaller sense of freedom, like there are different aspects of my gender that just keep me held back. I want to be a surgeon as a career, but people always tell me "oh no, you're a girl, you can't handle the science." If I could change that fact I would folks! I also find y hair annoying. I have extremely long, very blonde hair that I'm growing out to donate to locks of love, but I'm at the point where I just want to cut it off again. I won't because I've grown it out thus far, but I might over the summer. It would be nice to have short hair again. I don't know if I really hate being a girl, but it's definitely been different these past few years than it had been for the rest of my life.
     
  8. BookDragon

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    There's no reason what-so-ever a girl can't be a surgeon, and anyone who tells you otherwise is just insulting.

    It seems like you have some confidence issues, related to gender stereotypes. This could literally just be that you're unfortunate enough to be surrounded by people who think women really can't do the things men do, or it could be something deeper, I wouldn't like to guess, but I would suggest you start by reconsidering your thoughts on some of these issues and see if you can find that sense of freedom as you as.

    One thing to remember is your age, things get different quick and stay that way for a while during your teen years. Frankly I don't know how anyone comes out the other side as a well adjusted person, there's so much going on! Keep an open mind to the things you've thought of, maybe cut your hair again, try and figure out what you can do that would make you feel comfortable and confident in your own skin. If it turns out you can make some small changes and you're OK, then great, if you find you need something more, we can look at that too :slight_smile:
     
  9. Ash93

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    Thank you, I suppose I can quit flipping out then:slight_smile:
     
  10. BookDragon

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    You can try, but if you DO flip out (and it happens to all of us) and you need some help, post again! This isn't the kind of thing you want to try and burn through on your own if you can get away with it! :slight_smile:
     
  11. Ash93

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    I'll keep that in mind, and I really appreciate the chance to talk.