I'm having a really bad day. I'm trying to meet a huge coursework deadline which is in a couple of weeks, I'm really depressed about my gender but I think what has tipped me over the edge is living at home with my family who do not accept me. I can't cope with them making me feel like I;m the worst person in the world:tears:
I have spoken to my mum about how my name doesn't feel right for me anymore. It hasn't for a while but I've just stuck with it and found it hard to let it go. I haven't asked her to call me by a new name yet I was just introducing the idea and she just laughed sarcastically and shouted what do you want me to call you then! Frank! She said it's all in my head. Wait till I see a psychiatrist then they will tell me it's a mental illness. :tears: I want to start wearing more men's clothes as well, even if just at home to get comfy for a start and my mum and sister just said well a man could easily wear the clothes your wearing already. They said they don't see why I need to transition when I could just wear boyish women's clothes and learn to live with my body like people have to if they lose a limb or something. Honestly I'm so depressed right now I could commit :tears:
I can't help but think that if you're mum thinks it's a mental illness she has a very poor way of dealing with it... I don't know what to say, because I know what I want to say won't make your life easier, and requires a lot more stubbornness and confrontation than I imagine you would want to deal with right now. So until I think of something, I'll have to make do with a big e-hug (*hug*) and to remind you that even if your family are being dicks about it, we still love you here!
Thanks I just don't know what to do to feel better at the moment. I've been noticing the triggers that send me downhill. This time it's been my family :-(
Many years ago I learned the difference between the people I am related to and my family. Family will always accept you, people who are related to you worry about how your actions effect them. It's not about them it is about what you have to do to make yourself happy. You are a good person that is trying to make something of himself. My favorite author wrote "Your life is your own, rise up and live it" Good luck on your studies. Emily Ann
How soon can you be financially independent? Focus on getting there and try to ignore the haters. Also, see if there's any local LGBT groups you can socialize with in-person. It's always good to meet face to face with people who understand where you're coming from.
Thanks I am working on moving out once I finish my studies in a few weeks but I will need to find work to support myself and it's going to be tough as a pre-hormone pre-op transguy. I am trying to keep myself distracted right now so I don't think about the pile of meds in my room that I am so tempted to od with :'-(
Wow. besides everything else, this is ultra annoying. Have they never heard of people getting prosthetics? i mean geez, people don't have to basically just "deal with it" it's all up to the individual on what they choose to do so they can be more comfortable/work with their body better.
Thanks for the comments. I am feeling slightly better now. Things just get on top of me you know? I am just so angry with my life right now
When I lived at home, I didn't dare come out, at least not to my father. Up until early last year I lived with him, my younger sister, and my nephew and it was frustrating as hell and wreaked havoc on my emotionally. If I wanted to be me, I had to drive out to my older sister's, a cousin's, or somewhere else that I was accepted, change, go out and do whatever I wanted to do, then go back to change again before I went home. By the end of my time there it was killing me a little inside. I had to deal with it for a while though, and sadly, so do you. And it's going to make you angry, and it's going to hurt, and it isn't going to be easy, but you said you're working on becoming financially stable on your own. Unfortunately that's what you have to do right now is concentrate on that day, however far it might be, and know that one day you'll be in an environment where you can be yourself. I wish I had magic words that would make it all okay. Do you have friends that accept you? That you can spend more time around. The less time you spend at home, potentially the better. And don't do something rash like OD. That's not the answer. Besides, as bad as things seem right now, once you get out on your own and can be yourself, I promise you it will be the most amazing feeling you've ever had, and you don't want to miss that!(*hug*) It might sound cliché, but when things level out in your life it is going to get so much better!
Seriously though! I read this and couldn't help but to wonder what sort of a world, exactly, they think this is, because I see plenty of people that have lost limbs doing what they can to regain mobility and normalcy. It would be more accurate to say that their concept of what you should do to "deal with it" is the equivalent of sticking a bandaid on a shark bite - it won't help and it'll feel silly and pointless, and the whole while they'll be getting frustrated that you're bleeding on everything because they gave you something to deal with this, and you used it, so what gives?? What annoys me even more though is the idea that you're "mentally ill" and should still "suck it up and deal with it" - mental illness is serious, and it's iherent in the word, "illness". You wouldn't demand someone with a physical illness act like they didn't have it to make you more comfortable. "Grandma, stop having cancer, you're making me depressed, I know you're just doing this to hurt me!" Now, granted, I'm not saying you're mentally ill, not at all - I just don't like the way they're writing off your experience as an illness and simultaneously holding you to the same expectations as well people. That's just all kinds of messed up in my opinion. Mostly though, it's selfish. Recognise it as such, and you'll hopefully be a little less broken up about it. I'm sorry things are rough for you right now. I hope someday your family will come around. (*hug*)
Thanks so much for the support. It helps a lot to be able to express myself here and know that I'm not alone. I do have one friend who is accepting but doesn't live nearby. Other than that I don't have any other support apart from my counsellor until I get to gender therapy so I am pretty much alone. I have been for much of my life though. Once I knew my sexual orientation after realising I had feelings for my friend when I was around 10 years old and later discovering what that meant at the age of 12, I restricted all of my relations with other people fearing that the same may happen again. I also put up an metaphorical wall between myself and my family, not allowing myself to love them knowing that one day they would reject me, and now they are. Now I am so angry with the world and everyone in it because I can't let anyone in.
