Confused, questioning, and frustrated ftm?

Hello,
As for a little background, I am a female bodied person and I have been feeling gender confusion and animosity since my earliest memories.

I present very masculine. I have exclusively been wearing my hair short and have worn men's clothing as soon as I was able to express these desires to my parents. (Around three years old)

I started binding about four years ago, and cannot imagine not binding.
I have aligned myself as close as my desired appearance as I can.

For the most part I feel pretty comfortable with myself. I have always felt insecure and anxious about my unbound chest in clothing. I'm pretty sure that what I'm experiencing is physical dysphoria.

I also experience some societal dysphoria when, for an example a waiter at a restaurant uses female pronouns to refer to me. It makes me feel uneasy and irks me.


Even though I am pretty comfortable with my body and appearance, about every three to four months I experience a bout of depression that has always has to do with gender and it absolutely consumes me. I get stuck in that gender world where all I can think about is gender and identities.. etc.

I feel that right now I occupy some space grey between male and female.
Being female has never felt right to me, and I am not comfortable with it. However, While I am residing in the middle ground I still feel unsatisfied.

At the same time, I feel ...disappointed that my other option is to transition to becoming male.

If I could start over and choose to be male, I would. No questions asked.
So why is it that I have the option and yet it still doesn't satisfy me? I feel that I don't really have anything in common with cismen, and I don't want to be a "man" and yet I do at the same time.

I just have this feeling inside me that I would be more confident, make friends more easily, and be respected if I was a guy. That I would be taken seriously. I feel that I've missed out on a lot of things and opportunities. I feel like in some ways my gender has been holding me back from doing the things in life that I am capable of doing.

But despite all these feelings I can't decide if transitioning is the right thing for me.
Sometimes it seems so obvious to me that I am trans, and just too scared to face it. Yet other times I feel mostly content with how I am right now.

Can anyone relate or help? Should I maybe experiment with social transitioning to see if that feels right? I pretty much already present physically as a pre-t pre-op trans guy.

Maybe I should see a gender therapist?

I just feel so stuck.