This would probably be better suited for a blog post but I want someone to read this because I don't know how to feel or what I should think, and that scares me a little. It's 4AM and I'm at my computer typing this message. I've been up all day doing nothing in particular. I'm tired and I'm ill. I tried to go to bed and go to sleep. Now I'm sitting here. Sitting here with tears rolling down my face. I've been crying for 10 minutes now. I couldn't sleep. I had to type things and get whatever this is out. I'm crying because I remember her. When I put my head on my pillow, I saw her. A little girl I've always known, but I had forgotten about. Forgotten about and pushed away and hidden and left alone. I saw her face, her eyes, her smile, her hair. Then I realised something. Once upon a time, in therapy, many moons ago, we were told to talk to out inner child. I spoke to her. That little girl who must only be 6 or 7. I spoke to her when I was asked, and I never questioned why. At the time I reasoned that it was just easier to talk to her. I told a whole room full of people and my therapist about her, long before I came out to anyone. Long before I accepted her myself. I saw her in my head. She's tall and a little chubby. She has long messy hair and sparkly eyes. Lots of freckles and a cheeky smile. She looks like she's up to something! I closed my eyes, I was after all trying to sleep, and I could only see her. She lay her head on my chest, put one hand in mine and lay there. I could almost feel her hand. Then from nowhere I got all these flashing images, all perfectly familiar. I've seen her before so many times and every time she's been ignored. Is that why she's so small? She hasn't been allowed to grow up...I wouldn't let her. But she still smiles at me with that sweet, cheeky smile...that dopey face I know so well, my face, and she still loves me...even though she has no reason to... Not good! Not good! Bad brain! Make bad thoughts! no! This isn't good. # Why didn't I let you out before...:tears: I don't know what to do with this. On the one hand, I'm overwhelmingly happy. I've realised that my link to ME is stronger than I thought. I've known her so long...on the other hand, and I realise this is stupid and I shouldn't feel like this, but I feel awful. I feel abusive. I feel like I've done wrong by that little girl. Like I've hidden her away from the world where she could have done so much...she could have...just...anything...I feel like I kept the world from her. I took it all away and wasted it on something else, something that shouldn't be...shouldn't ever have been... So many things make sense...and I hate myself for it...I just want to apologise and cry and hold that little girl and tell her everything is fine and it just isn't...I took it all from you and wasted it...your smile cuts me like a knife...why don't you hate me...I hate me... Why did it take so long to tell anyone about you. WHY. Why did I hide you for so long... What do I do...
You need to make friends with that little girl and give her a hug and tell her that your here now and that you will protect her .
Honestly, I don't think you should dwell on the past. So you didn't tell people about her then, but you are NOW. That's what counts. The past is in the past for a reason, and if you drag it to the present it makes everything worse. Accept her now, and you'll come out stronger, but don't blame yourself for not wanting to accept something extremely emotional and life altering. I mean, had it not been for you, UIOP, Niko, and everyone else on EC, I would've ignored my inner man and sent myself into a depression. Don't do that to yourself now, not when you're just getting started! Welcome her with open arms and tell her "I'm ready."(*hug*)
I remember experiencing something like this last year. I was incredibly depressed: I was doing better socially than I ever had but I just felt lost in the identity I'd assumed. I popped on my earphones and listened to "Somewhere Only We Know" for the first time, and I let the imagery carry me through my subconscious and I realized that I was with this boy that was more familiar to me than my own reflection; this boy that I'd spent my first years of puberty getting to know but had shut away when I tried to reclaim my life from the depression that had absolutely wrecked it. He was who I was singing to and who was singing to me at once, and that's when it hit me for the first time that the sense of self I had lost was male. I hid in denial for months, but the knowledge never got completely buried again after that- I knew where he was, now, even if I wasn't ready to bring him into the light. My advice: don't feel guilty for losing that little girl, feel happy that you've finally found her and rescued her. (Also: thank you for sharing this. I didn't know that other people experienced this sort of tangible thing)
Thanks for sharing, that was beautifull Holly! :tears: You were not completly sure she existed at the time, so try to not feel guilty about it. (*hug*)
Oh god it happened again. We were just ending our therapy session (which I missed most of due to unbearable pain) and someone was asking if we KNOW all these triggers and how to deal with our emotions and we can tell them to other people, why can't we tell them to ourselves when we need it. To which he responded, could you tell it to your inner child? (We'd been discussing childhood) and god damn if I didn't nearly burst into tears. I got in the car and mum drove me home and I decided to tell her about this whole thing and I cried so hard. It feels good to get it out I suppose, but after months I finally feel like mum understands and accepts me as female. I still want to cry, but it does feel good.
How come you were in pain? And yeah, it's better to get it out there. And at least things are better with your mum!
Pain? Oh I've been in and out of hospital with kidney stones, but now I think I have an infection from it...pretty sure you're not supposed to still be ill a week after you come out... Yeah it's nice, even if I did cry a lot. She won't stop trying to make me talk to the vicar though...
