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Is it selfish to transition?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by anonym, Jan 13, 2014.

  1. anonym

    anonym Guest

    I am told by my mum who knows I'm trans that a lot of people are unhappy about the way they look but just have to live with it. She said I should just make the best of life, as people have to do after suffering a serious accident which physically scars them for life. ie. losing their arm or something.

    I basically feel like I am being told to get over myself and deal with life. It's as though I should just accept that I am in the wrong body and shouldn't aspire to want anything out of life that transition could give me. Instead my mum suggests I should devote my life to a cause and help others which she said will make me realise that I am lucky to be the way I am.

    My younger brother has his own successful business and my sister is planning on becoming a teacher. Whereas my mum is so enthused about their future, I feel like I don't matter. My brother and sister have a purpose in life: to forge a successful career and to expand the family through marriage and children etc etc, which my mum can't wait for. (They're both cis and straight by the way which obviously makes them 'perfect' to my mum) I know this sounds like I am envious of them, and I am. But the main point is not that I couldn't have any of those things in some way shape or form as a transguy, but it seems in my family's eyes, I shouldn't expect anything out of my life.

    I'm sorry that this is turning into a bit of a rant but....

    It almost feels like I am expected to live a selfless life devoted to the life of others (straight cis people! [sarcasm intended here])since my own life is not worthy of living. :frowning2: When I'm with my family I feel like I can't be myself. Instead I fill the role they have created for me which quite often feels like a human punch bag, not in a physical sense but a metaphorical sense. I am the person who is always stuck here to bear the brunt of my mum's anger with my brother which she would never dare to put on him in case of ruining their perfect relationship. My brother has just broken up with his long term girlfriend (she dumped him) and my mum doesn't think it's fair for him to be on his own and is trying to find him a new girlfriend but the ideal she has painted in her mind is so perfect I don't think such a woman exists!

    Meanwhile I am stuck at home currently without a job or friends and no history of relationships. Transitioning would help me on the way to fixing some of these things yet still I am expected to just sit here suck it up and get on with my selfless life devoted to something more worthy because I should not have any desire for a career, friends or relationships. 'somebody's got it worse than me'

    I'm sorry, this is sounding so selfish now but if you don't live some part of your life for yourself, is it really possible to feel your life is worth living?

    Am I being selfish to want to transition? Can I justify that it is a genuine necessity when there are people 'worse off than me'? I have been so depressed for over a year now and I often feel like just taking an od and be done with it so it's not like my dysphoria isn't bad but again, these feelings are seen to derive out of selfishness and vanity on my part. Since there is nothing seriously wrong with me - other than being in the wrong body - is it selfish to transition when my family are against it? What are your experiences?
     
  2. BradThePug

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    If I was not on my phone right now, I would type a longer response to this thread.. but I'll cut to the chase here.

    You cannot live your live for others. Others may try to tell you what is best for you, but they can never know your exact feelings. They can never know your perception of yourself.

    They are the selfish ones for trying to tell you how to live your life. They have no right to tell you to "get used to your body" since they don't know your feelings.

    You're not your brother or sister. They may have gone with the more traditional route in life, but that does not make anything that you accomplish any less than their accomplishments.
     
  3. BookDragon

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    Yes it is. It's entirely selfish by definition. It is something incredibly personal that you do for no person other than you and needs to be done whether other people like it or not. It is selfish. But that doesn't mean its BAD.

    When people say 'selfish' they forget a vital part. People use it nowadays to mean 'Yeah, but what about ME' and they ignore the person making the decision. What they want is for you to be SELFLESS. Acting out of concern for others and not for concern for you, because you are 'fine'. NOBODY is selfless. Nobody ever has been and nobody ever will be. It isn't possible. You are a person and are worth as much as they are. Your feelings count too.

    Another problem seems to stem from something I've seen a lot with things like depression too. This idea that 'there are people worse off than you' or that 'you can't help that, so just move on' is somehow an appropriate thing to say. My grandma said something similar to me this morning, and she's very supportive of me! I tried to explain it to her in terms of money.

    Right now (at the beginning stages of transition) it's like I have no money. In 10 years, someone is going to give me £100,000. So ten years from now, things will theoretically be great. But until then, I have no money. I have no money and I'm living in a world of millionaires. Everyone around me has their money, the can do the things they want and be happy. I can't, because I don't have it. Then every so often someone comes along and says 'Hey by the way, I'm mugging you, give me £100'.

    That's how I see it, and she almost understood. Even when I reach the end goal it won't be perfect. Right now, it's so far from perfect it's almost an insult. BEFORE I transitioned (where you are now) it was like being in debt for a few thousand. You can't start to be happy and live a good life if you're not happy with yourself.

    What she wants you to do (plunging yourself into selfless work) is escapism. It works for a bit, don't get me wrong, but I like so many others, tried to do that and came so close to killing myself that I had a mental break down in a classroom 2 minutes before the children came in. It is NOT healthy, and it is not going to make your life easier.

    As Cat says, it is also selfish for them to say 'just get over it' because they don't feel like they should have to deal with it. They aren't saying it for your benefit, it's for their own sake.

    As for the comparison to your siblings. I HATE that. My brother can do no wrong because HE lives away from home (he's younger than me). God forbid he might never come back, but I'm the whipping girl. Even my brother recognizes that. I work a responsible job (carer) and it's "not a real job" because I don't work a lot of hours, he plunges hours into working at a cinema, he doesn't get paid, he hates his boss and the only reason he does it is because he was there at the beginning and all his friends moved away. He told me once if he didn't work their all the time he'd probably end up killing himself. But no, HE is working a REAL job. Poor bastard has to cut into his savings to pay rent! When I had to give all my savings to pay her rent, that was fine though. Sorry, I'm ranting now, I'm supposed to be helping! My point is that your mum is just wrong. You can't expect so much of someone who is having so hard a time, because it will kill them eventually.
     
  4. Miss Emma

    Miss Emma Guest

    Great response. I agree wig the cat. My wife is the same way. Telling me that when she feels bad she goes and does something for someone else, like our kids. But she always is telling me how she feels; depressed, angry, isolated, etc. and said flat out that she doesn't want to hear how I'm feeling. Makes me out to be selfish for "wanting" to be a woman. But I am a woman, I just don't have the body to back it up.

    It's easier said than done to live this advice, but if you aren't true to yourself, then no one else will be either. Hang in there.
     
  5. BookDragon

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    "But I am a woman, I just don't have the body to back it up."

    Nail. On. Head.

    Also, now I'm thinking about it, any time she mentions scars and lost limbs or any for of other physical anomoly, kindly remind her that the human species have devoted more time to trying to fix that crap than probably anything else. We have surgeries and prostheses for every missing bit you can basically name apart from the one you need. We have people getting bits removed that they shouldn't have had every damn day for as minor a reason as 'I don't like it'. Why should she tell you that you shouldn't do something you NEED for your own mental and physical health, just because she doesn't understand it.
     
  6. anonym

    anonym Guest

    I guess when you put it like that it isn't as selfish as it sounds because sure as hell they would want treatment if they were in our predicament. The answer I get though when I say 'how would you feel if tomorrow you woke up with the body opposite to your gender?' is:
    'I would just get on with my life. If I was born a man I would live as a man because that's what I am.' So there's no way of making them realise what gender dysphoria is. They just see it to be equivalent to having blue eyes and wishing they were brown, knowing that there was a way of changing that but 'learning to live with it.'

    The problem is it doesn't help me with my family having this attitude because I don't feel I deserve to be happy and look forward to the future. By what they're saying, they're only making me feel even more undeserving :frowning2:
     
  7. BookDragon

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    Tell them to do that then. Tell them to go out and be a men for a few days.
     
  8. anonym

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    I feel like I'm asking too much of them to accept me. I don't know - I just feel inherently selfish and self absorbed at the moment. Like expecting people to support and accept me as trans is an entirely selfish act that I can't even justify my own transition. Why would I want to transition to make myself happier when there is no reason why I should deserve to be happier - me of all people. I mean it's upsetting my family so it doesn't help ANYBODY but myself. And I can't justify why I am worth people's time and effort to help me transition.
     
  9. BookDragon

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    "And I can't justify why I am worth people's time and effort to help me transition."

    This is probably the hardest possible thing to deal with in the world. But here is something that might make it easier. NOBODY is worth anything inherently because at the start a life is worth the same as any other. If you need to justify your worth to the world, you need to be able to DO something that shows the world you're not a waste of air. You can't do anything like that until you are at least comfortable with who you are, even if you're not there yet.

    Why shouldn't they accept you? Stop asking why they should for a while, what reason do they have for NOT accepting you as you want to be? If it makes you feel like a real person for once and allows you to BE this better person they all tell you they want you to be, what possible reason can they give for NOT accepting you?
     
  10. anonym

    anonym Guest

    Your right in the fact that everybody starts out at the same value in life (if you ignore stupidly imposed social divisions etc) but I feel like I have become a waste of air because of one thing and another. Being trans is just the latest of these. I feel like I have nothing to contribute to society and the fact that I have to go through the whole of the transition process to get somewhere near the point that I can start to think about why I might be worthwhile and even then, not ever being 100% comfortable, it just feels like that is too far away.

    Why should they not accept me? Because I can never give them what they want ie. a biological grandchild, I am not considered 'normal' by the major part of society which makes me a burden to live with and be around and I am in their eye's destroying the person they created. I just can't cope with being trans...I just can't do it...:help:
     
  11. BookDragon

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    Only one of those things you've said comes even CLOSE to a justifiable reason, and that was the biological grandchild. Note, I said 'even close' because that is so far removed from a justifiable reason if anyone tried to use that argument against me I'd find it difficult not to laugh in their face!

    A person is so much more than their body. They take time and circumstances to develop. Do you imagine for one moment that any of your family would be in the positions they are now if they were going through what you are going through? You've had depression for longer than you've been worrying about gender, if they'd suffered as much with that, would they be where they are now without help? HELL no.

    You feel like you have nothing to contribute to society? You know what? Nor do most people. I've met a handful of people in my life I've thought were genuinely useful to society, the rest just exist. Heck, I am lucky enough to be able to analyse and help people and the desire to work with children and I'm really good at it and even I don't think I offer anything of huge value to society. You don't, I don't, the rest of your family almost certainly don't. Some people seem to think (and I think I have to blame religion for a lot of this) that the only way to live a good life is to be good for society. To be useful for society. Actually, there was once I time I thought that myself. It's so wrong! You know what you contribute to society? YOU. As much or as little of you as you want, and on behalf of society, I'm saying I want whatever part of you feels like the real you, because THAT is the part that is going to do good things. THAT is the part that is more likely to help me out with something if I need it. It's more likely to have something to offer because it doesn't feel like it's constantly draining society. Is it far off? Quite possibly, the ultimate light at the end of the tunnel is, but that first bit? That first step is RIGHT THERE being held off by whatever stupid things your mum has to say about a subject she is completely ignorant of!

    As for the grandchild...what if you were infertile? Would you be looked down upon because you physically couldn't give them a biological grandchild? If the answer to that is yes, they are more disgusting than you give them credit for, if the answer is no, their argument is irrelevant.
     
  12. anonym

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    Why do I feel that being trans makes me redundant, worthless, a biological accident that should never have been born :tears:
     
  13. DhammaGamer

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    I completely bypassed that whole ridiculous argument with my family by staying very focused and motivated on improving my life in many other ways beyond my transition while at the same time pursuing all the necessary interventions for achieving the results I desire with my body.

    I'm a full-time, Dean's List student who works tutoring young children with autism. I am a full-time waitress. I have a large circle of friends, and I have an enriching social life. I work out regularly, I maintain a vegetarian lifestyle, and I practice meditation. I care for my dog, and keep my house clean. And on top of it, I take my meds daily and am saving for surgeries.

    My transition has meant more than just the physical and social aspects related to my gender. My transition has meant me taking complete control of my life and pursuing whole-heatedly the success I need to be happy. It has meant a complete transformation of my life, from a depressed, stoned, frightened, confused, and unmotivated "boy" to a courageous, self-confident, unapologetic, hard-working, and inspired young woman.

    If you think that taking testosterone or getting surgery is what is going to pull you out of your shell and finally make your life worth living, you may be sadly mistaken. Testosterone will give you facial hair, muscles, and a deeper voice. That's it. The rest is up to you. If you want your mom to respect you, your life, your decision to transition, and life you lead, then you need to start grabbing life by the reins and taking the steps necessary to become a successful, self-motivated, and confident young man.

    Taking care of your body and living life the way you were meant to live it is not a selfish endeavor. You're just a man trying to get more comfortable in your own skin. There is nothing wrong with that. And the sooner you start to turn your attention away from your bodily fixation and toward other important and meaningful pursuits, the sooner your family will begin to recognize the respectful man you have become.
     
  14. BookDragon

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    "Why do I feel that being trans makes me redundant, worthless, a biological accident that should never have been born"

    Because if you'll recall you felt like that ANYWAY, it just so happens that you've got this on top! Dhamma is right when she says that essentially what your transition is doing is you taking care of your body the way anybody else does, but it's hard to care about doing that or see the value in that when you don't have control of things.
     
  15. anonym

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    Yes I did feel this way anyway.

    I was incompetent at making friends, going for job interviews and feeling I even deserved to get the job and studying at uni for which I didn't feel good enough to belong to.

    Now I have realised I'm trans it's just moved the goal posts even further away to even having some resemblance of a normal life. Dhamma your life sounds great. If I could have half of those things you have in your life it would be amazing. I just don't think I could aspire to get anywhere in my current situation with an unaccepting family (who come to think of it, have never considered I might actually need to have a social life), no friends and no job. The things I need to get me out of this situation are not things that I feel realistically achievable where I live and in the same house as the people I am living with.
     
  16. Evil Kitten

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    One thing I've noticed with myself is that my dysphoria has fed my depression and a lot of the comments about feeling worthless look to me as linked to the depression. I'm not quite sure what I'm trying to say here but from what I've seen of you from these forums you are not worthless and have helped me understand things from the threads you have been a part of and started yourself.
     
  17. BookDragon

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    Step 1. Identify problem
    Step 2. Figure out ways of dealing with problem
    Step 3. Do those things.

    You've done step one. Your family compact the feelings you already have about yourself. They add a layer of justification to the way you feel, because they see your insecurities as weakness and you see their opinions as evidence that you were right all along.

    Step 2 is harder. We ignore them. We live for ourselves. We scream at the top of our lungs if we have to that we'll live our damn lives, because they are exactly that, OUR lives. Your goalposts are set far away right now and that's fine, have something to shoot for, but you'll never get there that way. You need more. Your first one needs to be something you can actually do. You've passed so many of them since you've been on this forum, probably without realising it. I know you have because I have a tendency to set them in my head when I talk to people and think 'yay they did it' when they pass it. Your goal posts don't have to be so far away as things like move out and be fully transitioned or have a job, those are big things. Little things count too! Little things count more most of the time, because they lead us to the big things.
     
  18. DhammaGamer

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    The moment you stop saying "I can't" and start saying "Nothing will stop me" is when your life will begin. The fact that your family is still talking to you and showing even a shred of support, even if it's just a roof over your head, is huge. Even if you can't see it, you have a lot going for you, and the only thing stopping you from being happy and successful is YOU. You can start living your life TODAY, and you can become the person you have always wanted to be. You CAN do it. YOU CAN.
     
  19. anonym

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    But what little thins can I do whilst living at home?

    For example, I NEED to start transition. It has gone from being a fear, to something I denied. Skip ahead a few months and before you know it, I have missed any stage of wanting to start transition because of my own fears, enforced by the opinions of my family to the extent that I am now at the stage where I NEED to transition for my own mental well being. Yet I can't justify why I should help myself feel better.

    Going back to what I was trying to say, is I NEED to transition yet I am scared to by which I mean being seen in men's clothing even in my own home, never mind going public. My mum says I will look stupid, which only enforces my own fears of what people will think of me and how they will treat me. I can imagine that for all of you that are out going public was a big step to take anyway but when your own family tells you that you'll look stupid and people will stare at you, where's the hope.

    What small things can I do whilst living at home?, bearing in mind my mum knows every single thing I own and wear and makes it her business to. This was the case even before transition. A new pair of socks that she hadn;t seen before would spark a series of questions as to when I bought them, where from and the statement that how come she didn't know i had them.
     
  20. BookDragon

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    Little things now, are big. So understand when I say little things, I mean things like wearing whatever the heck you want around the house and to hell with what your mum says. You are completely right, it is scary for a long while, but what's worse is the feeling you get when you aren't scared of it any more and you look back and thing 'why the hell didn't I do that sooner...' I'm sitting her with bows in my hair today because my cold has made me all dysphoric about my voice. Mum came in and took the piss. It sucks, it does, but you know what? Fuck her. I love my mum, I do, but if I want to parade around in a god damn micro skirt I will because I now realise I have every right to do so. I won't because it's not my kind of thing, but so help me every time she says I CAN'T do it, I get one step closer to buying one. It's a little thing for me, but it was a big thing at the start.

    It will be a big thing for you too. But you already know what your mum is going to say when you start wearing guys clothes, and it's exactly the same as she is saying now. The only difference will be that YOU might feel better about yourself for a while. You might not be taking the things she says and going 'you know what, she's right'.