...and I just don't know who to talk to about it. Kind of a long story, and I don't want to bore you all with EVERY little detail so... let me see if I can summarize. I've always been a little awkward when it comes to gender. My mom tells me I was horrible to try to buy clothes for, as I rejected pretty much everything she tried to suggest and refused to tell her what I liked. I think I just thought everything either looked wrong on me or wasn't my style, but didn't really have any idea what "my style" actually was. After I graduated highschool and moved out on my own, things really took a turn for the better. I had been pretty obese in highschool, but I started taking care of myself in a more positive way, and started kind of exploring my more masculine side. I was really active on a forum for crossplay, as well as a forum for gay gamers, and presented as male online on a couple other sites. It...felt really good. Like really really good, especially knowing I was convincing. Other than the crossplay forum, no one had any idea I was genetically female. Skip ahead a couple years... went to college, met my current boyfriend, and suddenly everything got really complicated... I was honest that I liked crossdressing when we got together, but I didn't really go into it more than that because I was still kind of unsure what my gender identity was. The first couple of years there were no problems, but the longer we were together the more I started to feel like I had to conform to a feminine identity... and I don't mean he was pressuring me to or anything, just... he's a straight guy. He likes VERY feminine looking girls. And the more I liked him, the more I started to fear I wasn't adequate and I would lose him... About 3.5 years into our relationship, I kind of had a huge breakdown. I had been really struggling with my weight and disordered eating habits and just kind of hated myself. When I looked in the mirror, I had no idea who the person was that was looking back at me. She was a total stranger. I was really depressed, we were having a lot of financial troubles, I was going through testing for a terminal genetic disease... man, just a huge mess of things... Eventually I broke down and told him that I questioned my gender identity, and maybe being female wasn't for me but I didn't know exactly what I wanted. And... and at the time he was amazing. He was patient and understanding and I felt loads better after getting it off my chest... but later on, I really started to get the feeling that he was just trying to be supportive while I was freaking out, and didn't actually understand or accept it... the depression resumed, the body hatred continued in full force... It was pretty much confirmed for me maybe... around last November. And I'm really not going to get into that because it's a whole long story in itself... but long story short I was devastated, he was making statements about who he perceived me as if his perception was fact and like I was just confused. I kind of understood his point of view... but man, it still really hurt. I wondered if maybe I should just...accept my fate. Accept that I was born female and just live with it. I felt dead inside and ended up making a dramatic decision to have an open relationship. Honestly, that ended up being one of the best decisions I've made in a long time. Suddenly... I didn't feel quite so stuck in my role as "girlfriend." And it's probably easy to read this and think we should have broken up long ago, but in almost every other aspect we're utterly compatible. I seriously didn't think when we got together I was going to fall in love with this guy... Now we've been living together for 5 years; he's my best friend, hell, he's family. I was pretty terrified of losing that... I still am. But in the past few months, I've felt able to go back to exploring all those masculine things I used to. I don't feel so ashamed to just be into whatever I want to be into... even one of my friends has commented that it really seems like I'm doing great and that I'm acting significantly more confident. My disordered eating has decreased a lot, I hardly feel the urges to binge/restrict anymore, same with other self destructive and negative thoughts. Man, alright, I said I was going to spare the details but this still turned into a huge story. Really sorry about that. >_< The confusion is that... I just don't know what to do from here. Part of me wonders if I would like to transition... part of me is afraid I would regret it if I did. Part of me wonders if maybe genderqueer/genderfluid is more fitting, but I know he still doesn't really understand those identities and maybe it's just me trying to figure out some kind of compromise. I know realistically, if I did start any kind of transition my relationship would pretty much be over. Which... really really sucks, but I completely understand why as a straight man he just wouldn't be sexually attracted to me anymore... if hypothetically he wanted to transition into a woman I would probably feel the same way. I think I am mentally strong enough again to handle a break up but... just... gah, I just really need to be sure of what I want... So man, any advice? Or anyone who can relate? Or just... anything. Anything would be really helpful. Side note, anyone who read all that already deserves a massive thankyou for letting me vent. <3
Right, so I'm brand spankin' new to this whole thing icon_bigg) but here are some lists I made and discussed with others here to help me figure out what was goin' through my head. One: What screams "male" in your head (I mean true male, not just the stereotypes) Two: everything else that makes you think you're trans under the category "other" (eg. being a tomboy, and hating pink) Three:What you like about yourself as a whole Four: What you don't like about yourself Five: When and how often do you notice all these things Six:What can you do to change these things I suck at relationships and can't give much in the way of advice (also you're eight some odd years older than me so I really wouldn't understand) but this might help with your gender confusion. Welcome to EC too!:smilewave
Thanks for sharing all that Star! I'm going to write some things now, but I think you already know them already. We need to compare the two parts of your life, where you were living as 'female' and, I'm going to say living as male because even though you were only exploring it, you were presenting online and going further than is common for just a trial. Fro what you've told us, when you started feeling you had to present as female everything went to hell. Not 'got a bit crappy', went to absolute hell. Eating disorders, mental breakdowns and the like are not something I would put in my list of 'things that don't suck about my life'. I think we can safely say when you present as VERY FEMALE, it is crap. You mention that everything got worse because you felt that you had to act more girly for your boyfriend, and this interests me. I wonder, if you DIDN'T feel like you had to be more girly for him, would you consider yourself to be a not-very-girly girl, or would you consider yourself to be presenting as male? I know you said you have presented as male online and in your cosplay but I'm thinking in more everyday terms. As for your 'male' side, the way you describe it seems like a different person, or rather, seems like how you feel you SHOULD be in terms of how you are in yourself. More confidence, happier, less destructive. So what I'm wondering here, is are these things a result of you exploring your male side, or are is it because you feel less like you are required to be girly?
My experiences online really scream the most legit “male” to me. Falling into a male role is really comfortable. Without my physical appearance getting in my way, blending in with other guys is just effortless. Man... I have stories. I've fessed up to being genetically female and had people just straight up not believe me. Crossplay doesn't really count, since I was just active on the forum and never actually cosplayed a male character. Never had the guts. Though there was one time a friend of mine wanted to go on a double date, but didn't know any couples, so me and another good friend dressed up as guys and went as a gay couple. She was religious and not amused... it was a pretty good day though! (In hindsight, it was kind of rude of me to pull that kind of stunt for her date...) I can probably say for certain that my gender identity is at the very least “not female.” My name is the absolute worst, it's incredibly feminine. I have gotten used to it with really close friends and family, but when strangers call me by name I still cringe. Or worse, when strangers/acquaintances use cutesy nicknames they've heard my friends call me, it REALLY rubs me the wrong way (I don't say anything though because it would come off weird and awkward and probably too angry from their perspective). I also sometimes forget that it is in fact my name, and I accidentally don't respond to it... I have never gotten used to my parents calling me things like their “beautiful daughter” but again, what the hell would I even say to that that would make any sense? They're just being doting parents. =\ This all probably falls under things that make me think I'm at the very least “other”... I just know what I want, but I am pretty sure it's not being perceived as female.. “Girlfriend” “Wife” “Mother” “Miss” are all words that are never gonna sit right... Yeah... everything really did go to hell. It took me a while to figure it out, because a lot of things were going to hell at the same time. And I mean... I've always had issues with eating and body image. But they seem to be a lot more manageable when I'm letting myself be more...myself. Even now I'm still not happy with my body shape... but I'm starting strength training this term which is pretty exciting and hopefully a positive step. It's something I've always wanted to get into. I would like to dress a more masculine than I do, but... I dunno, I'm probably still a little too anxious. Getting dressed to go out of the house makes me physically really nauseous (always has since...fifth grade? That's as far back as I can remember). Overall... I try not to think about it as much as possible, because I need to function and get things done. Which means I just end up wearing the same “safe” outfits over and over, day after day. I have a closet filled with all kinds of clothes that I never wear. I think... that's probably enough typing for now... and I know I haven't responded to everything, I would like to do a lot more thinking on some of these. Especially Ellia's question about masculine female versus male... it's a REALLY good question, that brings up a lot of complicated thoughts about the way our society constructs gender roles to be very polarized and unsatisfying. But yeah, thankyou both, seriously, I really appreciate y'all taking the time to do this.
Gah... I'm anxious about that. But... I've got $40 I saved from returning a cat sweater my mom got me for christmas. I think I'm going to run into town alone and see if I can find something I think I can wear often without feeling sick.
Brief update... spent all day yesterday at thrift stores. Got a men's hoodie that I'm pretty much in love with, as well as a sweet mellenium T-shirt. Also picked up some boxer briefs at Fred Meyer, holy shit are they expensive... but worth it. I wanted a ton of other things, but that was my budget so I'll make do for now.
