I have been trying to pull myself out of depression and look to the future. I have been watching ftm transition youtube videos and have realised that although I really feel I have hit rock bottom and can't live my life as a woman any more with this level of dysphoria, the idea of physically transitioning to become a man which would treat my dysphoria actually terrifies me. I do get dysphoria about pretty much EVERYTHING about my body which gets me really down but the very idea of going on testosterone and having surgery scares the hell out of me. It almost feels like it would be an alien thing taking over my body, a man taking over my body. It feels kind of threatening My question is, if that's what I need to treat my dysphoria and lead a happier life, why do I feel this way and actually don't embrace the physical transition?
You don't sound like you want to be a full on transsexual but more like a non op one. There's nothing wrong with that. If it only makes you feel worse then it isn't worth it. You need to figure out what makes you truly happy and not scared as you say. Think about it, talk to others and don't rush.
You're thinking about surgery and hrt which are two things that cause not insignificant change within your body. For me personally even though yes I do feel I need the surgery as well I'm still scared how it will change me, people's reactions to me and ability to pass too. From the sounds of it not to the level you are but again our situations are different as the three people I'm out to so far are accepting and my living situation is different too. Something I think is not helping as well is your depression, I know for myself that is having an impact on how I am just day to day never mind stuff regarding gender, it effects my thoughts, actions and ability to even get on with doing things that by baseline standards I 'should' be able to do. I'm not in a place I can easily offer advice about coping with the depression side of things but it does sound as if that is also part of your problems about this too.
I feel really sad about my transition and it's not even started. It's like I am sad for what I have lost since I didn't realise until a later age and for the things I missed out on when I was younger. I don't look back and wish I had been born as a boy...I just wish I had friendships rather than loneliness
First off I am claiming you as my friend! I did this in my head several days ago, but now I am stating "Anonym, you are MY friend!" It's okay if I'm not your friend, but you're mine! (*hug*) Also, you shouldn't dwell on the past. :eusa_naug Hindsight is 20/20, and even with my HORRIBLE vision, I look back on things and think "Why didn't I do this? Why didn't I change that?":eusa_doh: Things eat at me when I look back at them, and then I just have to tell myself there is nothing I can do now, but move on and make my future better. No, we didn't have childhoods as boys (which sucks yes) but we can make our new childhoods now, yeah? So I went to Disney World as a girl, then I definitely should go as a guy! You visited Big Ben as a girl, then you need to go as a guy! (Did you?) You missed out on things in your childhood, sure, but now you can make up for that! Ride a roller coaster as the real you, visit your favorite ice cream shop as the real you! Take one of your most favorite times in your childhood as a girl, and do it again as a guy! It'll be ten times better right? If you want to have some friends go with you, two is always better than one! And I'm here! (me! don't forget me cause you're my friend!!) :icon_bigg As for actually beginning the physical transition, I'm right there with you. Honestly, I'm terrified about a shopping trip this weekend with a good friend, because I don't want girl clothes, but I can't exactly be all "Hey, I'm gonna go to the men's section so you have fun!" :eusa_doh: Transition is terrifying, and I think it always will be, but facing our fears is a good thing right? Cause then you find your true self underneath all your phobias! While I'm not saying you should rush your decision about surgery or hormones, maybe you could try some clothes, cut your hair. Do the little things until you're ready for the big jumps. Talk to people too, even if it's just venting on EC. The more you talk, the better you'll understand yourself, and what you're feeling.(*hug*)
Thanks Ash93. I accept your EC friendship (even though your around the same age as my much younger cousin! lol). But I don't have many friends right now and it is hard being trans when nobody in my family understands it. I actually don't feel like I've missed out on life as a boy. Not yet anyway. I see my childhood was as a girl and I wouldn't change that. If there was one thing I could go back and change it would be that I had more friendships and at least 'a' relationship. It's weird because I don't imagine how I could have been a boy as a child, not a stereotypical one at least. I hated sports, I wasn't really into boys things in a big way. I mean I did play with some of my brothers toys but then he played with my toys and he's cis. I would never have wanted to wear boys clothes as a child either! This is kind of a recent thing for me so I am still getting used to it which feels absolutely crap!
And to think I felt old a few days ago.... Other than EC nobody has any idea what's going on with me, and though I have friends, I feel like I'm lying to them. It is definitely hard, this whole emotional up and down thing. I thought math was hard, but apparently I was completely wrong! I don't think my dysphoria is nearly as bad as yours, but I understand the whole "THIS IS BRAND NEW!!! ARGH!" Thing it's nice to know you can't see your childhood as a guy, cause really I can't either. I hung out with too many girls, and though I played with boys and did sports, I was too schoolish to be a typical guy. I don't really want to relive it either. However I am finding the more I think about this, the more I think of myself as a guy, which is confusing as heck. I mean, I looked out the side mirror today while driving, and for one second I swear my face was completely male! It was confusin I tell you!! I'm sorry your family doesn't understand what's going on:icon_sad: we can be pen pals on here though!
I hung around with too many girls at school as well. I did actually gave a few guys that I talked to but come to think of it they were VERY feminine. I do worry how will I learn to get on with men and be 'one of the guys' but now I feel far from being a girl anyway. I guess I would say my personality is kind of mixed boy/girl at the moment. I don't really want that to change because I like that I can still talk to women and not feel at a loss of what to say but when it comes to men, I'm like....ermmm what do I say?! I've read that testosterone makes you less sociable and I'd hate that because I struggle to be sociable as it is!
I highly doubt that. Lots of guys are on T, whether cis or trans, and some are sociable, some are not. It all comes down to your individual personality, and taking T shouldn't change something like that. I mean, if anything, guys who are trans getting on T and were not too sociable before, are more likely to be more sociable cause they're more comfortable and feel more free to be themselves.
I don't think it makes you less sociable per se, maybe I need to research that... And I have accepted that I cannot simply be "one of the guys." I have made far too many friends with girls, and have learnt far too much about being a girl, to be a step typical guy now. Oh no, I am 90% positive I'm going to end up FLAMING GAY. That right there, that will be me. And I'm in that mindset you described, so I understand what you mean by not wanting to lose that by changing.
Oh good. I was worried about how hormones can change your personality. I'm a quiet person anyway. I don't exactly want to be louder but I don't want to be a social recluse as I am now because of my gender dysphoria
The most I've heard about personality change has been in regards to a slightly shorter temper, but I suppose that's not too bad.
I don't think I could get anymore mellow. I hope my temper gets shorter as it's about a mile long now, that would probably be an improvement!
I am the same here, I am sad about losing my male-ness. Having grown up thinking I was a boy and then I discovered I was trans
