Why do a lot of cis folk suck at pronouns?

There's a mix of factors at work.

The biggest one is cissexism/cisnormativity. Most cis people never really think about gender unless they're confronted with it. If someone looks vaguely female they use female pronouns; if someone looks vaguely male they use male pronouns. And when something challenges their gender binarism and their cissexism, they react with hostility, the normal reaction of privileged people everywhere to having their privilege questioned. It's the same reason that a lot of cis people get upset if they can't tell if someone's a man or a woman (and heaven forbid you suggest someone might be neither!).

Another factor is that most cis people have never encountered the idea of someone who used to favor one gender pronoun going to another. Because this is outside their area of comfort and privilege, their knee-jerk reaction is to fight against it.

Finally, a lot of cis people just don't realize how hurtful it is to be misgendered. It was only very recently for me that I asked a GQ friend of mine how it felt when he was misgendered that I realized just how powerful of an impact it can have.

 

Sometimes it doesn't have anything to do with bigotry or anything like that. When we use pronouns in regular conversation it is an almost automatic response, trained over many many years of learning history. Particularly for someone you have known for a long time, it can be difficult for most people to adjust the way they behave. It's important to be patient as people learn.

 

It's the same with anything, some people can just adapt to it more easily. If you were cis and just legally changed your name to something else most people would struggle for a while to call you by your new name.

 

What Dhamma and Ellia said.

 

I'm trans, and I have a hard time with pronouns sometimes. That being said, I apologize when I do screw it up. Some people just have a harder time remembering things.

 

I've been down about pronouns lately too. It just grates on you, doesn't it?

How did your GQ friend explain it? I'm having a hard time figuring out how to explain it to people in a way that helps them actually understand.

 

I don't remember the exact words. He described it as being both emotional and physical, and essentially feeling like a denial of the very essence of his being. I should see if I can get him to write an essay or something.

 

This. All of it.

 

One of my close male friends just got married to a trans female. I still have trouble with the he and she, but it isn't intentional and certainly not meant to be rude. I simply knew him before he was a she. So when pronouns come up in conversation, I slip sometimes. But about 95% of the time I get it right. She is pretty outspoken and I'm sure would give me hell if I managed to offend her. And she's wonderfully loving to my friend and we all think she is terrific.

I think in some cases it is a bit like was mentioned where people simply don't get it. And I admit to being in that group. I think the hurdles that Gay/Lesbian folks climb are far different from some of the hurdles that our Transgender Brothers and Sisters have to endure. Not harder or easier mind you, just different. And without having a frame of reference to understand what you are going through, people that are different have a hard time understanding. The gay boys in the group would probably identify with the "What do you mean you like boys when girls are AWESOME?" (same being true for the ladies, just swap the pronouns.) People can understand and acknowledge it, but without some frame of reference that is familiar it is hard to adapt to.

A few in our group have spoken about this. Straights and Gays both have this pronoun issue (hence the title, but I had to go look up with "CIS" was short for). In some cases it is meant in a crass way, but most of the time, its a slip of the tongue.

 

Personally, I dislike making a distinction between cis people and trans people.
The goal for most of us is to become a bio-male/bio-female eventually, after all.

I agree with Ellia here- it depends on the person.

 

I struggle with pronouns, but it is not for a lack of trying. I have always struggled with names, faces, and now pronouns. If I mess-up I will apologize. I would want someone to tell me if I miss gender them. I do not do it to be rude, and I am really sorry when ever it happens.

I have started using gender neutral pronouns if I am not sure. And I do ask what pronouns, occasionally, but I do not want to offend anyone. I am really new to the LGBTQ world. This is not to say that I was unaware of it growing up, but I was not as heavily involved as I am now. So I am trying to learn everything as I go and it has sometimes been a struggle.

 

Basically the way a lot of people see it is born a man = man, born a woman = woman


Sorry that is just the way they see it

 

No one is ever born a "man". At the absolute LEAST, someone can be born a "boy". To which I obviously attest.

 

Yeah, and for me, I see it as I was born. That's it. And then some random stranger assigned me a gender that I later found wasn't my true one.

 

^^^

 

Even I screw up pronouns from time to time. I've gotten loads better about remembering, but there is a bit of social conditioning that goes on, you've got to admit.

I still feel really bad about this one time a few months back. It was before I'd come out as trans, but questioning and kind of realizing "Well, shit, maybe I really am". There was this queer conference thing for LGBT youth. And so I go up to attend with my LGBT group.

One of the speakers was a transwoman. She'd done loads of drag work in the past and that'd been how she'd figured out her gender. However, she either hadn't transitioned yet or wasn't planning to. Had facial hair, etc. But she'd made it clear that female pronouns were preferred.

I remember a friend walking out, had to use the bathroom. They came back, asked what'd happened. And I was all "Well, he was talking about how he'd come out to his father- Jesus- I mean, she. How she'd come out."

 

Dunno how much is internal and how much is beaten into us by the life we've lived. Frankly - I've had many PEOPLE in my life that were constantly battling such issues simply from culturally new- non-binary is. so we keep on making us normative:>


I personally answer to a few chosen character names form stories in roleplay... Being called Feminine" Ms" Her- she and "Hope" was an internal dialog shared by a few deeply close friends.