I hate these dreams [rant more than anything]

For the second time, I had a dream about transitioning last night. They only serve to make me miserable. Because they remind me of things that'll probably never happen. It's not the transitioning part, it's the reactions of those around me.

In my first one, I'd had top surgery. My family was accepting and helped me take care of me surgery spots.

In the second, I was at the local zoo with my mom and step-sister. I had a beard, and frankly, I looked good. I was happy, and my mom considered me her son.

When I wake up, I just want to go back to sleep because I'm stuck with the reality that my mom doesn't want a son. She told me that when she was pregnant and they did the ultrasound that she told them that she didn't want to know my sex. Not because she wanted it to be a surprise, but because if I would have had a penis, she probably would have gotten an abortion.

She says that having a son was her greatest fear. Had I been born biologically male, she said she probably would have been abusive to me. She has an immense dislike towards anything with a penis. Male animals and men are "disgusting" "dirty" "can't be house broke" "dumb asses". It takes just one bad incident with a male for her to paint the entire group as being evil.

Her first husband was abusive. He happened to be bi. Ergo, all bi men will hurt her. A photographer tried to get her to pose nude, promised to pay her money, and got angry when she refused. He was gay. Ergo all gay men are evil.

Her brothers treated her mother, my grandma, poorly. If I transition I'm obviously going to do the same thing.

Because I want to transition and like men, I'm disgusting.

She needs therapy, but doesn't like male therapists and female therapists are, quote, "all bitches". Woe to those who make her cry because making her cry is a sure fire way for her to hate them.

She keeps pressing for me to go to the local university. I'm planning, and hoping to go to one that's a good two or more hours away just so I don't have to be around her. I honestly would not be surprised if my depression mostly goes away.

 

Yeah. She's demanded for me to prove to her that I'm a guy because I don't fit the stereotypes of one. If she ever does that again, I'll probably ask her to prove to me that she's a woman.

Edit: It's hard to enjoy the dreams when I'm faced with someone who purposely goes out of her way to call me "ma'am" and what not.

 

Pretty much. Still, I got an idea of what my brain thinks I'll look like with facial hair lol. I still had a sort of delicate looking jaw, but, I looked good.