In a relationship and suddenly having gender questions.

Hi, I'm new here and would love some advice for a tricky situation and I apologize for length!
I'm in my 20s and I am physically female. I am in a 4 year relationship with a very loving partner who is male and straight. A year ago I was in therapy for anger management and after a year of work I am in a much happier place.
Continuing my search for "who am I?" I've started asking myself gender questions.
I'm pansexual, admitting that to myself now. I used to say bi, or just straight because I've never been with anyone but men, but I see now that isn't a defining thing.
Ever since I was a kid I've liked the boy role better. I played as the knight saving the princess on the playground, I played Simba with my friend playing Nola
In middle school I was a tomboy and I used to enjoy binding my new breasts just to pretend for a little while. At this time I didn't put a lot of thought into gender. I was fairly androgynous until high school when I became chubby and went from a B cup to a D! Eventually I would be diagnosed with Poly-cystic ovarian syndrome and go on the pill, which then put me at a DD! (can't hide my feminine charm now!)
I'm not sure if I feel male. I know that I fantasize about being male with my partner, I have a lot of penis envy and wish that I could be with him as a man- in fact, if I don't pretend to be male at least in my own head, I can't enjoy our sex! I told him I was doing this, pretending specifically to be a D&D character I had been playing a while, a male rogue, and eventually he admitted he liked the idea of taking advantage of this character- and I felt a huge sensation of relief and joy at this confession! It's alright to role play this out! Hooray! But this does not solve some of the feelings here.
He enjoys my breasts and I might be alright with them if they were at least smaller, but big breasts are a fetish of his. I know he loves me, he finds pleasure in me the way that I am as a female, but I don't think I'm happy with it.
We've both agreed no matter what I find about myself we want to try to stay together. I'm terrified if I find I want to be male we won't stay together and at this moment he is the most important thing to me in my life other than myself.
I also worry my fear of losing him is stopping me from admitting things to myself.
It is possible to me that I may be only genderqueer. I feel like sometimes I do enjoy being female to a degree and that I wouldn't mind inventing my own gender, it may even be what I want.

Has anyone else been in such a tricky situation? I feel like I've got a wonderful life and finding the answers to these things may tear it apart, which brings me to tears. How do I move forward? How do I make it through the next day without feeling so scared?

Thanks for reading my wall of text!

 

Thanks for your reply, I have talked to him about this! It is a step I want to take no matter what. I want to get a rodeo and even if he isn't interested in playing catcher so to speak, haha, I think he wouldn't be against me at least wearing it for myself.
I feel really grateful he has been so supportive and understanding through all of this.

 

That's actually been one of my thoughts as well, but I worry I might be writing myself off. "Maybe this is just a kink and it doesn't mean anything!"

 

You're right and I took out the word weird too, it's not weird. That's just me beating myself up. I apologize. I agree and we're both pretty kinky people me thinks! Haha. I'm more concerned that as I change my physical appearance in day to day life, if I did transition into someone new, would he still find that person attractive? And do I even want to do that? I've still got so many questions and it makes my head rush. Thank you so much for talking to me! I feel a little better already.

 

Totally true. Reminds me of something a friend said to me: sometimes we're afraid to be ourselves and when we reveal ourselves we might lose some people that didn't really like us anyway but the ones we keep and the new ones we'll make will like us more for being ourselves. I think he said it with more vulgarities though lol. I think that can apply to adapting and changing relationships too. Changing and growing together is exactly what a healthy relationship is about. I think I can sleep now. Have a goodnight. :sleep: