Feeling gross and manly!

Hey dont think it's strange! I toootally feel the same way when it comes to asking people out, and it's just...oh my lord...frustrating!

Just don't think about it as a manly attribute, being the "leader" (wat a lot of people see as a manly thing) in a relationship is just a preference, not necessarilly related to gender identity. In all the relationships i've been in i've been the one being led, to use an example of urs, i've been the one asked out by the girl!

Now to my point...girls ask guys out all the time, its not a gender specific trait, dont feel disgusted about it .

Now to "being the guy" in the relationship...wat do u mean?

 

Depending on perspective, there's nothing wrong with be (or being closer to being) "TEH guy" in the relationship. The main thing is, what do you view TEH guy as being? I don't mind if I'm being relied on more for support (moral, somewhat money-wise), as I kind of like being relied on...which tends to be a major part of (or a least, society thinks it is) being TEH guy.

The thing is though, you need to separate what it means to be a more productive member in a relationship, and being male. When you think of asking a girl out, do you feel like you're male because your confrontational, or that's what men do?

Honestly, while I continue to slowly trudge toward an eventual solution towards my gender being accepted (by others mind you), I've never perceived "being more productive in a relationship, confrontational in a necessary way, being direct, or etc." as being male, so much as who I am, and who I am is a woman, plain and simple.

 

Respectfully; you have no idea what the experiences of another trans woman are, so don't assume this. Otherwise you start buying into the 'shared girlhood' nonsense that cis women are supposed to have, which invalidates trans women.

But back onto the main topic...
Are you looking at the profiles of straight girls or lesbians? Because looking at straight girls' profiles is a sure fire way of making yourself feel 'manly'.

 

Holly I know I don't have the best advice for this but you'll always be a girl to me :icon_bigg

 

My levels of attraction to women are very low. I used to think it was about 80% attracted to men, 20% attracted to women, but I think it's probably lower, since I don't get at all turned on or interested in the idea of being with any woman.
I do appreciate when a woman is attractive though!

Anyway, even if I was attracted to women, I think dating a cis woman or thinking about being with a cis woman would be an issue for me, because I would always feel envious of her for being cis. That would in turn trigger my dysphoria and probably make me feel 'masculine'.
So perhaps that's part of what is going on?
Maybe it's completely different for you.

The 'shared girlhood' thing is one of those ideas pushed around by TERFs (Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminists). It suggests that 'Women born Women' (cis women) grow up with a shared set of experiences, unique to 'Women born Women'.
This is then used as an excuse to exclude trans women for not having these 'shared girlhood' experiences.

Fact of the matter is, every 'girlhood' is different. The experiences of a Samoan woman raised in an impoversished catholic extended family will be vastly different to those of a white upper-class woman raised by absent parents and a nanny.
So the idea of a 'shared girlhood' is just a device to try to exclude trans women under the pretense of being protective of 'real' women and being 'kind' to trans women - that the trannies couldn't possibly fit in because they were raised as boys.

In my actual experience though, it's pushed by TERF lesbians who are terrified of sleeping with a trans woman by accident and losing their 'gold star' status due to sleeping with a 'man'.

 

Personally I think that dating a trans woman could be as bad or worse than dating a cis woman, as there would be a constant 'triggering' of dysphoria from being around each other and being reminded you're trans. Dating trans men is a different story though, for some reason. No idea why!

 

Hi Holly I don't think this is strange because I feel similarly about guys. If I am attracted to a guy, because I am naturally smaller it makes me feel less masculine/dominant whatever you call it. But if I am attracted to a woman I feel more masculine etc. I think it's normal and it's just an effect of the male/female masculine/feminine dynamic that society leads us to believe is how things must be. Maybe if you were in a relationship with a more dominant personality than you, would that make any difference and make you feel less 'manly'?

 

Don't have a lot of advice to give I am afraid, but I will say I know the feeling and I hope you find a way to stop feeling weird about it sometime soon (*hug*)

 

I get moments like that when I'm feeling like going for men. See, my orientation's never consistent. One week, I only notice the girls. The next I might think I'm gay.

But it's like, this is why I never dated men. With girls, I feel "straight", as stupid as that sounds. Even when I identified as lesbian and I was (cast myself as) the femme, submissive partner, I wasn't some guy's girlfriend. And it's really stupid to think that being in any relationship means I have to be the big or little spoon but alas...

I have these moments where I feel all small and wrong Hate them. Nothing I hate worse than being "miss'd", having doors held open, and having people check out my curves.

I like being powerful, in tune. Moments feel too far at times, though.

But it's funny, how something as small as what you're wearing or who you checked out at the grocery store can have such a big impact on how your day goes.

Best of luck, Holly.

 

That's a really interesting point. It's tough to undo what is "standard" for straight males growing up! :/

 

Ellia, i TOTALLY understand what you mean. That's kinda what it feels like with my wife. Obviously she's cisfemale, and I'm Trans, out genderqueer, or whatever I am, but not internally male anyway, yet I've spent at least 26-28 years of conscious life trying to be stereotypical "male." So, with my wife of 8 years, I do feel that learned position of being "the guy." It's like Kasey's signature says "you must unlearn all you have learned."

 

Ha, I wasn't even the thread but I was quoted.

But seriously, Yoda was a wise muppet, and his words although out of a work of fiction speaks truth. You have been so ingrained with heteronormative ideas that even someone who as come as far as you have, Holly, needs to let go.

It's like fighting instinct still.

 

Good, I used to worry about the worst but I never saw the worst come to pass. You need to give yourself credit.

 

Ya know, I think I'm kinda in that boat ... I'm wondering if my wife and I getting on better isn't putting me on a slide into masculinity that I'm not exactly fond of. She is still referring tome as her "husband" with no attempts at "partner" or "wife"and it's got me feeling like she's still trying to "straighten" me out.don't get me wrong, I'm glad we're talking, but eeewwww! I don't like the re-masculinization of my role. The kids know me as "Daddy" but there's no trying to get the pronoun usage right. What's a girl to do? Maybe my telling her that hrt isn't necessarily in (but not altogether out) gave her false hopes? All I know is I don't like where I'm going right now. Any suggestions on how to gently remind her?