So, the story goes something like this; I grew up, in my younger years, in a small town. A few thousand, quite literally. This was in isolated, rural Australia. I think it sums it up fastest to say I didn't even know boys were physically capable of having long hair. It wasn't an option. When I was eight or so, we moved to a larger (if still small place). Really, this is just to say that I didn't get any exposure to queer culture. Or even modern gender politics. I didn't know there were options. That there were allowed to be. This is where the story of whatever mess that's me sort of starts. I hit ten, and puberty. I was six feet tall by the time I was twelve. By thirteen, things started to feel really wrong. Body hair (torso, specifically) had always unsettled me, but I thought that was just something I had to bear. But then more of me became incredibly uncomfortable. I started feeling too big, something I couldn't articulate. Too tall, too broad, too muscular (and too fat, not that I've ever really been, but that's fairly common). I didn't have words for it, because I didn't know I was allowed to be anything but okay with it. I should probably mention that this period is incredibly violent. Thirteen to seventeen sees me frequently in fights against several people at a time. Lots of broken bones. Bathroom assaults. Cracked cheekbones, permanent sinus damage. What I realized in retrospect was an attempt to kill me with a cinderblock. During all of this, severe depression and anxiety set in. Brow feels too heavy, nose too large, jaw too strong. Around this time, learn that Goths exist. Am immediately infatuated with the androgynous look common to the culture. Try super hard to pull it off. Can't. And then, some years later, I kind of just end up here. Still uncomfortable with the shape of my face. Unable to find a hairstyle that makes me happy, because it just can't hide what I look like. Still feeling too tall. Leaner, thanks to anxiety and not maintaining myself properly. Happier not to be as bulky. Constantly in a funk because I just CAN'T seem to feel beautiful. Infatuated with what are traditionally "femme" styles, repulsed at how manly I look in contrast if I try to go that way. About a year ago, I got my first real information on HRT, and was just... Overcome. Furious and sad. Screaming at no-one that I didn't get to know when I was young, that it's too late now, and weeping uncontrollably. And then oddly numb, like I'm not letting myself feel anything about it anymore. It feels like... a fog. But, I've never been focused on what's between my legs. So I don't even know what to think. And then, I turned twenty-five just a few months back. And since, I've just been gripped with this fear. I've never felt beautiful, and I'm scared as hell I never will. I have either no grasp on what my identity is in this sense, or I know, and I'm mentally blocking myself because I'm terrified I'm chasing an ideal I know I can't meet. Obviously I need, and am seeking, therapy. But until then, I wanted to ask if I sound... Familiar. Having some vague clue into what I might be going through might help get me out of what feels like a hard tailspin. ---------- Post added 23rd Jan 2014 at 11:00 PM ---------- And, I managed to forget to mention that I've got a deep concern that I'm idealizing traits traditionally deemed feminine solely because they are other that what I am, and that even should I achieve my current ideal of beauty I would continue to be unhappy because my REAL underlying issue is some kind of generalize dysmorphia.
Therapy sounds like the way to go, I think. But it doesn't seem very gender specific from what you posted (but I can't really tell you who you are), but does sound like you have body dysphoria. Out of interest, if you were a skinny male with a more feminine face, would you be completely content with that?
Here's a question for you; Do you want to look beautiful, or do you want to be female? What I mean is, if you had a choice between looking like a reasonable pretty boy and a very unattractive girl, which would you be happier with? Why?
This is the base question of both replies, so here goes. The answer is some form of "neither". Or maybe just "What?". These days I'm probably able to, if I swallow my angst and try to compare myself objectively enough, identify as a reasonably pretty boy. It's certainly not making me happy. But, I can instinctively tell you that being unattractive, but female, would also make me unhappy. Reflecting on it, the latter would probably make me unhappier still, as I'm not heavily focused on plumbing (In my attraction, or my concept of gender). But! When I consider what would improve my self image, it the list is something like; more feminine face, being physically shorter by about a foot, softer skin, less body hair, no facial hair, softer head hair, longer eyelashes, more feminine clothes (dear god, the shoes they have. Amongst so many other things), more feminine and less "blunt" sounding voice... The list essentially becomes "presenting entirely as female". Insert scenes of crippling bouts of anxiety because you're pretty sure that you can't do that with your current body. Then, throw in some self-doubt and confusion because you're just fine with remaining flat-chested, and with genitals not being what you use to assign gender, not knowing what the heck this all means. Because to your own ears, you don't sound trans, despite wanting to present female. And the kind of female you want to present as probably requires getting work done. And maybe hormones. But then those will mess with the functionality of the genitalia you do have, but you don't want to physically transition in that sense. And. Just. What? Obviously, I feel really wrong in my own body. And the kind of wrong has me feeling like a fraud. But this is the ideal I've had for more than a decade now. I feel like it can't be false, that it can't be self-hatred causing this, but this causing self hatred. And, I'm not sure if I'm even expressing myself right. I don't want to be male, just dressing female. But I don't think I need to change the contents of my underwear. Does any of that make ANY kind of sense?
It makes loads of sense. Have you ever heard of genderqueer? Not exactly male, not exactly female...because that's how you're coming across to me. (At least I'm pretty sure that's the one I want...you're not fluid or androgynous...yeah it's probably right)
