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i have a lot of identity related problems

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by mrpopper, Jan 24, 2014.

  1. mrpopper

    Regular Member

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    Hi.. I'm new here. and i searched this site cuz mrGoogle has only so much that can offer.

    I'm 18, from the Philippines, and is already a 2nd year college student.

    I'm not sure if my friends and family thinks I'm gay. I mean my family asked me 2 years back, but i just said no, i'm not. I think they believed me cuz that time i had a girlfriend. Honestly I don't know how to express myself. It's hard to verbalize my thoughts... I knew way back since childhood that i am sexually attracted to guys, NOT girls. but i just kept it to myself. in high school, i had 2 girlfriends, but it wasn't about sex. my country is a conservative one, a Christian country for that matter, and sex is something that you dont just do just cuz you felt like it, it's something reserved for the married. sacred, if you may.

    ...this is frustrating.. -_- bottom line, I'm sexually turned on by guys, but i have no qualms to having emotional attachments to girls. I've never had a boyfriend, I have yet to meet someone who makes me want to try.

    I am inlove with my girl best friend. she's everything that i want, attitude, personality, and soulwise, except the male reproductive organ. I can see myself spending my life with her, but i'm not turned on by the female loins, and it's confusing... 0_0'' we had talked already about our feelings, and she said that she isn't looking for a boyfriend Anytime soon, and so we are friends. we always go out together, like go to the mall, coffee shop, theatre, the shore, basically everywhere we like cuz we feel comfortable together and it has this feeling of rightness. like it's meant to be, but it's hard to think about it sometimes, cuz i dont get hard for her or for the general female populace for that matter.

    It's hard for me to describe what i really am.. I can't decide what I am! I'm turned on by guys, but i seek emotional attachment with girls. social labels aren;t helping me right now. honestly, if i were to construct society from the roots up, i'll make it as such where labels dont exist. I Don't conform entirely to any gender stereotypes. Please help.


    PS: I have plans to get out of the country once i graduate, California if possible. Do Caucasians like Filipinos?

    and sorry for the scattered thoughts. I have many issues I'm facing and i just don;t know what to prioritize. T.T
     
  2. UIOP

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    Hi mrpopper and welcome to EC!

    What you said is hard to get your head round and is very confusing. However, society is obsessed with labels - everything requires one and if something doesn't have a specific label, then it is weird. Well, maybe not. Sexuality can (for many people) be broken down into two different parts: romantic orientation and sexual orientation. These are pretty much exactly what you have just described. You seem to be romantically attracted to girls but sexually attracted to guys.

    I'm sorry because what I've just said probably doesn't help much but I just wanted to come and tell you that this is actually pretty common. Also, there is nothing wrong with this at all. But what I really wanted to say is that you don't necessarily need a label. Or, if you feel like you do, then there's nothing wrong with making up your own label or just saying 'I am me. I don't know what that is yet but I am just myself.' Sorry, I don't mean to belittle you or anything like that but I want to hopefully help reduce any negative feelings about yourself because you are perfect with or without a label :slight_smile:
     
  3. Kasey

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    Out to everyone
    I'll go with the go with what makes you happy. You don't have be "gay" just to fit a label. Ok you're attracted to the same sex, but are romantically attracted to girls. I don't see a problem with that, I think you are over thinking it.

    Be you don't be a label. I know we can offer advice all we want but it does boil down to you figuring out what YOU want, no one can make you happy with who you are but yourself. That takes many of us a long time and many are still on that journey right now.

    You aren't alone.
     
  4. mrpopper

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    thank you for replying. I appreciate your views, i hope its okay to use them on my sociology class on sexuality when we get to that topic. Sexuality has always been my favorite topic. i guess it's because i want to understand why and what i really am, but what you said about me being me is honestly really cool. and as vague as it really is, it answers a lot.

    Society is really obsessed with labels and stereotypes and i hate it. it's like saying all gays have to be good in dressing up, provided i really am, but not everyone is like that. -_- stereotypes reduces a whole being to a lesser one. here in our country, every gay guys are perceived to be transvestites, people who likes to cross dress. i guess that's why no one has ever thought otherwise about me, or if they did, they just kept it to themselves. I love looking presentable to the public (i think that makes me vain. LOL) and so i buy and buy clothes that i know match. i buy guy clothes really, the likes of which screams "the average metro sexual male."

    and no worries, i dont hate myself, per se. i just don't like feeling like i'm lost between two classes. the OC in me wants to bring order to my chaotic emotions and thoughts

    but there are times that i get depressed of not yet finding a new romantic connection. i love my best friend, but she's not my girlfriend. i miss hugging, cuddling, someone to devote my time to and hand holding. sometimes, i imagine me being the one taken cared of by someone (mostly a guy cuz i also wanna feel how it's like to be devoted time on rather than me doing it most of the time). i think i'm on my way on to accepting there would be nothing between us friends. i really love her, but i just dont want to hurt her just cuz i'm not sexually aroused by her. i don't know if it's the virgin me talking, but i never really thought of having sex with anyone yet.. girl or boy. there's masturbating to porn and all (including fictional characters portrayed by handsome actors in slash pairing found on fanfiction), but i never lusted over someone i personally know. there are beautiful men in my general vicinity but it's just like, "-ehh," i can appreciate pretty faces, but honest to God, I need somewhat of a emotional connection, and i find them with women. is that normal?


    i'd appreciate the reply. I'm not out to anyone of me being me, so i don't have anyone to talk to about my preferences. and i can't actually talk about my best friend and my sexuality to my best friend. it would be really weird and hard to explain how you're in love with her but not aroused by her