Hello everyone, I'm greatly struggling with my identity at the moment. I think I'm genderqueer solely because I don't want to transition medically, but am taking interest in binding and packing. I'm going to be honest, I'm completely hindered by fear of discrimination. (Have you guys heard of the Haley Rose case? She's a transwoman who got harassed by a cis-male, attacked him on self-defense and she got arrested then, even with her legal documents saying she is female, got placed in a MALE cell). I'm terrified of getting raped for my gender expression, even though I do have the off-putting anger issues to hopefully deter angry cis-men who'd "rape to show that I am female". This is a legitimate fear, and I am plagued with anxiety disorders which doesn't help any. Anyway, I'm dysphoric at times. Sometimes, I can dealwith my female body. I'm not necessarily happy with it, since naturally people will refer to me as 'she'. But then there are times that I wish my body was male, so everyone can see me as how I see myself. I identify as genderqueer because I'm quite queer alright. No, seriously though, it's because I feel I have balanced elements of male AND female, albeit I strongly prefer male pronouns and always feel more male. It's also really hard trying to explain to cis-folks about Genderqueer, since it has the label of being "Tumblr-made up bullshit" and everyone thinks it's a false identity. I struggle with that too, the whole validity of my gender. But I don't want to identify as a transman if I'm truly not trans. Again, I have no desire to transition medically due to expenses and the process alone scares me. I've had many upon MANY surgeries growing up, and I just can't deal with going under anymore. There are times, however, where I will tolerate female pronouns and I honestly don't mind being called by my birth name. I also enjoy my identity as a lesbian, and I have a fantastic lover who supports me 100%. However, I always wished I was born a male. If I was just BORN as a male, I wouldn't have to go through all of this bullshit with discrimination and dysphoria/identity issues. Maybe I'm just a confused human being. I honestly think I'm genderqueer due to the fact that I don't mind my female side and that sort-of balance element, but I just wanted to make sure. I also cannot see a gender therapist due to financial issues atm. Thanks in advance.
If you don't to transition medically, that's completely fine! There are plenty of things you can do. And don't worry too much about the Hayley Rose case, while horrible and unfair, it's also a very rare case. You'll be fine, but it's natural to be scared of it all, it'd be worrying if you weren't! And "not truly trans", you either are or not, there's no scale. Not wanting to transition medically doesn't make you "less trans". Plus the term 'genderqueer' falls under the transgender umbrella. If you believe you're genderqueer, then you probably are, own it. Don't let anyone tell you that you aren't, because they're not worth your time! Do what you want to is the main thing though, provided you don't intentionally hurt someone. If you want to dress more masculine and bind, do it.
Just for the moment, lets completely ignore the discrimination side of things. For now, lets just focus on you. We won't even focus on other peoples opinions or the 'tumblr-made-up bullshit" for the moment. We just want to think about how YOU feel about the whole thing. So let's think about the times you can't deal with your female body? What do they feel like? Are there any specific things that bother you during those times? Are there any things you can still live with? One other question, if you HAD been born male, do you imagine there are any female traits you would still exhibit? You said you like being able to identify as lesbian for example. I ask this not to try and invalidate what you are saying, I just helps highlight your position on something I won't mention because I don't want to put the idea in your head until AFTER you've thought about it.
Thanks you two for the replies. When I can't deal with my female body, as much as I love breasts, I try to compress it in hopes that it'll just pop in (unrealistic, I know). When I have my menstural cycle, it makes dysphoria a LOT worse as it requires extra attention to a part that shouldn't be there. There's also a really personal thing that I do when I feel like this, let's just say I use a male method of dealing with a part. I can live with my bottom though, honestly. It makes bed time interesting enough and the surgery to get male genitals has never fascinated me. I'm fine with it at times, I mean vags are cool you know? As weird as that sounds. However, if I was just born as a male, I'd be happy 100%. Honestly? Probably not. My personality may change slightly as biological men go through phasic cycles and bio-females go through cyclic cycles. But assuming that nothing changes, I'd probably not. My female side is practically me dealing with it. I can deal living life embodied as a female, but I know I'd be much happier if I was born a male. (The whole Guy's Night Out thing for Hockey, for example. I hate being bunched in with females). I don't know, gender is weird. It annoys me and it's so confusing. I honestly think I just confused myself in this post with the back and forth about being okay with being born female and then not.
Perhaps I'm just being naive but I have no idea what "let's just say I use a male method of dealing with a part" means! So the things you have mentioned are primarily bodily things, and there isn't a whole heck of a lot you can do about them unless you really REALLY want to, and you've said before you have no desire to have any, so if you're getting dysphoria we need to think of ways of making it feel less bad without medical intervention. You mentioned things like Hockey Night, and for the moment that is what I'm interested in. Think of the social side of being 'male', what parts of that appeal to you? Is there anything else along those lines, even just different clothes, that you think on those days where the dysphoria is worse might make you feel better?
Hahaha, let's just say when a natural urge occurs and I'm feeling quite dysphoric, there's a way I can curb that :icon_bigg Honestly, everything about it. I bought boxers recently and I LOVE them, I started buying more male pants and I've always bought guy shirts. I want to bind and pack but I'm not so sure how I'm going to get away with it at home. I could probably get away with the binding but the packing? I wish to avoid that awkward conversation! I love hanging out with the guys, as much as I believe gender is a social construct I also appeal to the male expectations of society. Providers, emotionally strong, and the likes. When people call me by my preferred name and pronouns, I feel like it's the perfect fit. I feel warm inside and it makes my day. But back to the social stuff, I wish I could drink with the guys (I don't drink, but I'd love to have a beer at the bar with male friends and have a dude's night out. Just the idea of it, you know? The option.). I wish I could participate in sports with men and basically be involved with the male division that society has implemented (i.e bathrooms, sports etc). When I'm placed with females, as much as I love 'em, I hate being there. I feel almost insulted when family has guys night out and I can only have a ladies night out with my mother and whatnot. I also have a super close relationship with my dad, so the whole father/son bond rather than the father/daughter bond (which is, in some aspects, we actually have). To make myself feel better with the limited amount of physical transition supplies, I just hang out with my male friends (so practically all) and have our own guy's night out where we watch hockey and play video games and goof around/wrestle with each other. I feel complete when I'm with them and they're calling me by my preferred name/pronouns. Meanwhile, when I was stuck with females for a sleepover (we have this debate club and it was single-sex only). I was miserable, I felt so out of place, like a missing link if you would. I can get along with girls and all but to be /one/ of them is just... not me. Sorry if I just rambled. I'm so confused with myself. I know I'd be happier as a guy, but with all of the discrimination and the fear of going under the knife it just keeps me back. I also see people referring to being "full-time". I'd like to live life as a full-time male, but it's also nice to experience life from the other perspective. Basically, I'd say where I'm at right now is 80% male 20% female. When I was young, I always wanted to be a boy. Everyone knew, but I just sorta hid myself once I turned 10. I decided to grow up as a female and it wasn't ideal, but easier if I went through the process of coming out to my parents and all of that jazz. I've noticed as I started to accept myself more, I'm more often referred to as my preferred name due to it just feels more natural. The time I tolerate female pronouns is honestly when I'm in public. What's worse is, I'm so overwhelmed with the new semester of uni and all of these personal issues going on that I cannot really sit down and focus on my gender. I'm too busy re-learning a subject and dealing with family issues/emergency friend issues it's just too much for me. Sorry for the stupidly long post. Boy do I want to bash my head in right now.
You call THAT a long post, THIS is a long post...but seriously I won't do that to you, you've got enough to think about without ME rambling on (and I'm very good at rambling on ) Packing I'll be honest if you're already wearing guys clothes most of the time I don't think anyone is really going to notice...not in your family at least...I mean how much time do YOU spend staring at the crotches of your family members? Unless you do something insane like try and pack with something colossal it seems unlikely it would come up...but having said that, it's not something I've tried so there are others who would be able to give better support in that department. discrimination and the fear of going under the knife For now, forget the knife. I know, easier said than done, but if you don't want it, then don't have it. If in the future you realise your dysphoria is so bad that you NEED medical intervention, worry about it then, for now you don't need that headache. As for discrimination...obviously I'd be lying if I said you won't face SOME discrimination, and obviously there are plenty of cases you can read about online about trans people who have unforgivable things done to them for no apparent reason. Having said that, most people it seems will never experience something as severe as the case you mentioned, and probably more importantly, the kind of guy who is likely to 'rape you to show you are female' is the exact same guy who would be sitting there thinking 'I could totally rape that girl' about anyone else. Basically, you can't live in fear of that one dick-head who could destroy things, because you might never meet him, he might not exist. I'm not saying don't be careful and aware, I'm just saying don't let this nobody ruin a life you haven't even lived yet! being "full-time" I'm full-time. You know why? Because I don't feel male ever, or at least, I don't ENJOY it the times it does happen. I live full time as a woman because that's how I feel. You don't, and you don't have to be full time if you don't want. That is entirely up to you. If you felt like manning it up at a hockey game one day and dressing like a princess the next you go for it. Try not to worry too much about the 'end goal', because in reality there isn't one, and even if there was you have no idea what it is. I've been thinking about this for months and I don't know what my end goal is. We can't reach the end goal, so forget about it. Do the things that will make you comfortable. Add one little thing at a time and think about what you might have to deal with. If that means you think about binding for a while, then do that, figure out what that means for you and what conversations you might have to have (but not TOO hard, you don't want to worry yourself!). Then do it and if you feel something more, do that...
