This week I've been feeling seriously seriously depressed I've realised each time I think I can't possibly sink any lower I do. My dysphoria is that bad now I can barely function day to day yet I can't start doing anything to make me feel better such as cut my hair off or dress as a guy because firstly I still have a split identity with many versions of me that are constantly in conflict with each other. While I realise that I am male and that transition is the way to go, there are conflicts within me that are extremely repulsed and terrified by the idea of becoming a man and the physical changes that will occur to my body, even just as simple as cutting my hair. Secondly, my family view transsexualism as a mental illness and I can't transition while I am living with the guilt of what I am doing to them taking the old me away from them , which is how they see it I am not mentally ill, I am trans. Yes I do have mental health issues but they are caused by my dysphoria. Things are getting seriously bad I feel like different people every day and not in a good way because I have no idea who I really am and it's affecting my short term memory. I am soon in a position to look for work but I can't apply for jobs and attend interviews, never mind explain my transsexualism to them, because if my mental state Can anyone help?:help:
You don't have to explain you are transsexual at a job interview. There are also anti discrimination rules for transgender people. Anyone under extreme duress will face mental health issues so you aren't alone there. You need to seek help with some sort of medication to get your head right, I'm normally very sharp and witty but when depressed I became sluggish and couldn't concentrate either. Your brain is fighting itself and wasting mental faculties. Medication DOES help. I know what transgender issues are but I don't honestly know what the actual act of transitioning is like because I'm ok in my body, so I hope someone else can be of more help there. Hang in there.(*hug*)
Hi kasey. I am on antidepressant medication, 2 kinds actually but it doesn't really help. I know I definitely couldn't apply for a job or work without being out as trans because I need people around me to acknowledge me for who I am. I can't live a double life. I think what I need is to just be around people who will just let me 'be' whereas my family won't. They are just totally against me being trans. I also feel so different to them in a way I can't describe and thinking about it I have felt this way for a long time. Maybe it was because underneath I was trans all along but I just don't feel like they 'get me'. They live in the same routines day in day out just talking about the same boring things and I don't feel a part of it. Maybe it's just my depression
Maybe I'm the only one of this opinion, but unless you know for certain that the place you're applying to has anti-discrimination policies in place for trans people, I wouldn't disclose my trans status to them. They don't need to know. Chances are it's not going to become a career anyway, especially if you don't have a ton of prior work experience. That said, it does suck not being out at work. So I guess what I'm saying is, read your companies policies.
I just can't cope with being called her/she/miss and my real name any more. I've tried to talk to my family about it but they just went crazy and said 'I can't believe how mentally ill she is!' I'm not mentally ill, I'm trans :tears: I have no idea how difficult it is going to be finding a job as a transsexual but I know I can't live a double life and suffer as a woman even to earn a wage. It's that painful. I want a sort of 'behind the scenes' job anyway while I transition purely because it will be less hassle.
For God's Sake, anon try to be more selfconfident and love yourself. My arms are not enough to hug you Imagine that in your country it is not possible to transition for example. Or that transition is not possible at all. Go from there and find the way how to love yourself the way you are at least a bit. You need to find it in yourself. You need to turn on your inner light so to speak. Meditate or read positive books or motivation books or find a hobby and try hard.
Thanks nick07 I know I need to do something to get myself out of this rut but I just can't find the motivation because I'm depressed and because I hate myself. It's ironic that the things I should be doing to help myself are the things that make me feel worse. i.e. getting out the house and out of my room, talking to other people, reading, watching tv - anything really. Everything triggers seriously bad dysphoria. I also don't really know who I am so it's hard to know what I actually want to do or enjoy. I have issues trying to talk to other people as well, even on here. I don't know what it is but I can be talking to someone, texting someone or whatever and then I get this feeling of switching or cutting off and it is followed by a rising feeling of disgust. Then I find I can't talk to them any more and have to quit or leave. I then get paranoid about what I said and it kind of replays in my mind while I feel more and more repulsed. Is this internalised transphobia because I'm disgusted with myself as a transsexual?
I would say that you haven't hit the bottom yet. Not that it will be necessarily worse. But you don't seem to WANT to get better. That's nothing unusual or bad. Feeling bad or dysphoric can get pretty addictive.
You know when I think about it, you're actually right - I don't want to get better because that means I will be happier and the idea of me being happy is... it makes me feel disgusted.
the idea of you being happy would mean that you are OK with the things as they are? That maybe you are "a normal person" like the majority of people? That suddenly you wouldn't be defined? That you wouldn't need to fight anything and anyone?
Anonym, I just want to highlight this for a second - I would say that, overall, I am not unhappy. Sometimes I can even push for saying that yes, I am happy, though most of the time I wouldn't go that far. You can be happy (or at least not particularly unhappy) and still not be ok with things being the way that they are. I'm angry, pretty much all the time - you'd never guess it from my demeanor, but it's true. I just Bruce Banner that shit so I don't Hulk out. I'm anxious a lot, and I still get really sad a lot, but I think I'm out of the throes of depression at this point in my life. It's not about feeling, it's about coping with feeling. It's not about what isn't right, it's about how to make it right. You need to find something that works for you, find your coping mechanisms. You owe it to yourself to find the first step you need to feeling not particularly unhappy.
Yeah I need more coping mechanisms. With my new combination of medication, I'm finding that I'm not too bad during the day. In fact, today I could almost say that for a few brief moments I was happy. In the evenings I just get really agitated and my dysphoria and the anxiety it causes are at unbearable levels - like right now.:icon_sad: Perhaps this is because my meds are wearing off by evening? Last night I got so dysphoric about my voice and couldn't hack it any more so I had to go to bed and try to sleep to block it all out. I do try to distract myself but I have a very short attention span when I feel like this and just keep getting unhelpful thoughts that just go round and round in my head. Really bad anxiety about my body. Even writing them down or typing them out makes me feel worse.
Yeah, I'm still trying to figure out how to cope myself. But it's not impossible. Coping might not mean never feeling shitty but it'll help deal with things as they come. For one, being able to present male when possible helps deal with my dysphoria. It's not 100%, but it's better than going through my day presenting as something I'm not. I'm training my voice (I'm far from a consistent 'male' sound, but getting there), binding, etc. And you know, sometimes it's stupid little things that help. Having your Amazon account and your emails show your preferred name (which man, since I hear the birth name all the time at home, helps more than you'd think), friends using the right name/pronouns, even just something as stupid as having a razor or wallet that's gender confirming- all helps. You got any hobbies? Get your mind off things. Like, gaming. Music. Working out, maybe? Hope this helped, mate.
Coping with dysphoria is tough, but it's something you might be able to discover as time goes by. It doesn't mean that the evil "dysphoria monster" is gone for good, but it can help to find something to distract yourself to push it out of your mind. You like running or hiking? Do that. You like sports? Go shoot some hoops! Are you more of a gamer or music junkie? Play Super Mario for a while while you blast some of CDs by your favorite artists. Whatever makes you feel good and calms you down. You gotta find some sort of coping mechanism or dysphoria will probably devour you. You should find something that keeps you level headed for your own well being in general. If you need ideas on finding mechanisms, talk to your therapist and maybe you can make a list. I have a short attention span too, so I feel you with keeping yourself preoccupied. But again, remember things you currently like and remember to explore since you could find a lot more things. What's something you always wanted to try? You never know what you can get yourself lost in. I didn't know how much I'd get into painting bird houses or making friendship bracelets until I was in a place where I needed to get well. If you got time, check out hobby stores and blogs. You might find something you really like. The one thing I'm coming to terms with is that while I'm around people who don't get it (and probably never will or want to), at the end of the day, it's all about how I feel about myself. Honestly at the end of the day, you're your own worst enemy and harshest critic. It's a learning process on how to not be so tough on myself and learning to be okay with who I am; that I might be trans, but I'm certainly not broken or damaged. As far as the meds go, do you feel that your meds are helping or are they neutral/not doing much? Maybe a talk with your therapist can explore that. It could take some time to find something that works or any number of things. I feel you with racing thoughts at night, and it sucks. You could tell him/her that you're experiencing that and see if they can prescribe you something to help with that. They did that for me and I had no problems falling to sleep when I was given my prescription.
Thanks for the advice. So do small things actually help dysphoria? Like being referred to by your correct pronouns? I just get in a massive panic at times by the sheer magnitude of the problem of being literally in the wrong body. I try my best not to think of it but it is overwhelming when you take a step back and look at things. The thing I try to do is just try to focus on who I am and not what I am but it is a massive dysphoria trigger having to take a shower or see your reflection and it's not you ! Some nights I go to sleep in my clothes because I can't even bear to get unchanged. I haven't evaded showering yet. Now that would be bad. But I find that binding can sometimes make me feel worse because the pressure and tightness on my chest is emphasising it all the more. Plus with my anxiety, I sometimes find I can't breathe!
