Hi, my name is Shester. I am 16. Well, I have had a lot of problems in life; I live with a single dad and a little sister as my mother is dead; I am bisexual and said mother did not accept it and father still kind of doesn't accept it; attempted suicidal, been clean from cutting since October 2012. Anyway, that isn't what this is about. For the past few years or so, I have been struggling with a lot of gender identity issues. I was born female, and for a while while I was growing up, I didn't even know LGBT people exist. And then suddenly, I learned about it, and somehow I knew that it described me. I was into guys and girls, fair enough. That was in the 7th grade; now I am a high school junior. Well, since I was little, I always kind of wanted to be a boy. I didn't like the things that girls were expected to do; I would rather play with bugs and wear men's clothes. I started hating dresses, hating pretty much everything girls were expected to love. Well, time went on. I lost my mom; I finally somehow convinced my dad to let me wear pretty much only men's clothes. I cut my hair short. It felt nicer to look that way. But somehow I still knew that I didn't want to be a girl. Problem is, I'm built like one, and everyone, including my own family, expects me to be one. And I'm not even sure what I expect of myself. I live in an extremely conservative community, and most everyone always says I will get over it, and stop sinning. But about 85 % of the time, I still feel like I want to be male. The other 15 % are times that I am majorly confused, or things like when I was voted to be junior homecoming princess. In the past 6 years, I have worn dresses twice, and I didn't like them all that much. That was for my 8th grade graduation and Homecoming, even though my school doesn't have a dance. (I found out that I was voted in because 90 percent of juniors wanted to play a Carrie prank on me and the only things that stopped it from actually happening were death threats from one of my long-time friends that doesn't even hang out with me anymore and the presence of law enforcement.) My point is, I don't even understand what I'm supposed to be, only what I want to be the majority of the time. And I just want to be able to figure it out for myself before I go on to anything else. I cry over it all the time, of how I'd rather be a man but don't even know if it's right. I'd really like some help. Thanks for reading this, I know it's a lot.
Why doesn't it feel right? I kind of had the same feelings at first, too, but what made me go ahead with transition was the existance of hormones. I didn't know that it existed and I wasn't keen on surgery, so I thought I had to endure it all my life. However, with hormones, I learned that you basically look and sound like any other guy. For some reason, I disregarded it for a few months, until I heard about it in class. There was this guy from a gay conference who had a FtM friend in college. He said that his friends made all his teacher call him by his preferred name. That made me push it a little farther. Then, I found a video talking about transgender kids. After listening to it, I felt like crap because I thought I was completely stupid for not having figured it out until now while all the signs were there. (I was like you. I never wore dresses, played with grasshoppers, hated girls related things, even hated girls for a time ect.) Though, there's no reason to feel bad because some don't have it figured it out until way later in life. So, coming back to you, why doesn't it feel right? Is your feeling about it similar to mine? If you feel like you would be better as a man, then why doesn't it feel right? What does the 15% say about it?
It seems fairly similar. I mean, I don't understand why I can't quite feel right anywhere. I know I definitely do not like being a girl. But a lot of it has to do with where I am and what my life is like I guess. I live with an ultra-conservative family in an ultra-conservative region in California. I have people tell me every day that I am going to hell because I cut my hair short and died it blue and am bi, but I still feel confused myself. I'm not religious, but that stuff really hurts, too. My great uncle, who just passed away, was a pastor, and a lot of my family is religious. Plus, my father doesn't even accept me mainly right now. People keep telling me I'll get over all of this, that I'm just confused (Which I am) and that I'll be the best lady. But I seriously don't want to be. I don't know why part of me can't settle on one even though I really want to. Also, even if I did get past all the acceptance obstacles, my family is extremely poor and I live in a small town in the middle of nowhere. I don't even know if I'll be able to get out for college and get away. I also think a lot of it is scary, because I just don't even understand myself. I just know that I don't want to be a girl. But I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be a guy.
"People keep telling me ... that I'll be the best lady." Even if it turns out that you don't want to be a guy or this sentence above is complete crap, because as you said "I seriously don't want to be." Even if you were completely happy being female you still might not feel comfortable being lady-like and it really sucks that the people you are surrounded by don't seem to realise that. Just for a moment, let's imagine that you don't have any of these people around. Let's say you moved away. No family near you, a more liberal area and as little of the religious dogma as we can get. What do you have to do to be comfortable with yourself? Can you be comfortable how you are with your guys clothes and short hair, or is there something more? What feels right? What feels wrong? What can you do to fix the things that feel wrong? The key thing is to figure out how you can be comfortable. Don't worry about what other people in your situation are doing because a lot of the time it won't apply to you!
I know that I want to be a guy. But I don't know what I'm supposed to be. I don't know if that makes sense. But I feel really weird, because I'm not sure, and I really hate not being able to understand exactly why I want this, why I feel like this. I mean, like, I don't get why I can doubt myself, I know I would much rather be male. I don't know what is mentally holding me back.
" But I don't know what I'm supposed to be. " See this sentence is not a thing. There is no 'supposed to be'. Not really. I'm not 'supposed to be' female, I AM female, my body just needs to get with the program. 'Supposed to be' suggests obligation to something. Society, your family, your friends, neighbours, pastors, they tell you who and what you are 'supposed to be' and they are all wrong. You are what you are, and what you are is whatever you feel and know you are INSIDE, in that part of you that nobody else can see. If you feel that you're a guy...well I think you see where I'm going with this " I don't know what is mentally holding me back. " Yes you do. It's in your first post. You don't have the opportunity to explore your feelings when everyone around you tells you those feelings are wrong and shameful.
Shester I totally understand how you feel! 85% of the time I know I want to be female, the other 15% im kinda blank, confused, and not sure wat to do. But you know what? You are who you know you are, remember to trust yourself over everyone else. What they say you should be is their opinion, and everyone has their own image of what someone should be, but you know what? What you believe and know you are is what's most important.
