Sure I'm trans*, but still doubting

K here goes ... I know in my heart I'm Trans also. But I'm married, and have 4 kids ages 7 and lower. One is a son that needs "Daddy"but I can't fill that role adequately. I need to be treated as a woman b/c that's who I am inside.

Threat of divorcee is immanent of I pursue transition s so I have to choose, be t true myself OR keep my family together. It's not an easy decision, but if I keep my family, lose myself, I lose my family anyway b/c of depression and dysphoria brought about by keeping my male role.

I'd write more but I have to get back from break. I'll follow up later. Good luck!

 

Dude...this is like exactly what I'm going through at the moment. Self doubt sucks.

Recently I have been asking myself " am I a girl? Can I put on a dress and makeup tomorrow, and have zero dysphoria." To which the answer is always no. Then I think on the days where my dysphoria was incredibly bad, so bad I wanted to tear my skin off, and then ask myself "was that all made up? That was real pain right?"

I do believe it's normal to go through this, being transgender is a scary thing. You have to go through a lot of changes, and maybe even if you think you're ready for them, deep down you're really not.

What I say is just continue being you. Try to kick self doubt out of your head ( easier said than done I know). Live the way that's comfortable for you, and if that's being a guy then continue down that path.

Also if you need anyone to talk to, don't hesitate to live a message on my wall.

 

You get over it with time. It took so long for me to stop going to bed repeating the words "You're a girl" over and over in my head. I know how I feel, I know what I want and I know what feels right but still I would repeat it over and over like I needed to prove it to myself.

I still do it occasionally when I'm having a bad day.

My point is that it happens. Think of how many people you might meet who given the chance might tell you that they think you're insane or confused. Think of all the stories you read about people who have been completely rejected by everyone and been told they need to be 'fixed' or 'cured'. Of COURSE you're going to remind yourself of it, it gets scary! You finally discover who you are and you worry that someone is going to reach into your mind and take it from you! (Yes I am fully aware of how stupid that sounds).

You're not the only one

 

I believe the doubts will be there always. Either: am I trans? Or: do I really NEED do transition to be happy? How far in transitioning do I have to go to be happy? Will it be worth it?
I think the only solution to this doubting is to not rushing into anything. The feelings and priorities keep changing and considering your age they will definitely change. You will see in what direction.

 

Hell yeah it's normal! I second guess myself all the time! I feel that actually starting to transition, even small, baby, steps really helps. For example i'm MtF, so my first step was shaving my arms, then using female deodorant, and ive just started wearing necklaces in public (love my purple butterfly one ), my next step is to shave/wax my legs.

Anyway wat im trying to say is these small steps help me confirm little by little, in my mind, that what im feeling is right. Doing it all makes me happy, confident, and like im truely being, for the first time in my life. Not to mention you can take back these small steps, like throw away the deodorant .

Oh i feel your pain on the over-analyzing part...ow to well.

The reaction of my family is what is stopping me from increasing the pace of my transition...

 

If you have any other questions dont hesitate to ask!

 

I sincerely doubt that anyone who's trans* hasn't questioned themselves before, or expressed self-doubt. You're taking the steps to a pretty drastic change, and there's a lot of folks out there who can't comprehend the concept of transitioning or even trans people, so there's the additional fear added into the mix because of worrying about other people's perceptions, discrimination, rejection, ect. It already takes enough time to figure oneself out, yet alone fight against the tide of others who desperately try to invalidate and erase who you actually are.

For myself, I remember I spent months questioning whether or not I wanted to transition, and live my life as male, because I didn't adhere much to gender stereotypes and figured "Well, I'll never pass for a guy so why should I bother if it'll lead to ridicule" so I continued to ponder over the idea for a while. I finally had a bit of an epiphany and realised I couldn't live my life as female, and my transition is my business, not anyone else's; I had been a shell of a person in real life for a very, very long time. I tried my hardest to please everyone else, and in the end I was feeling like I was gradually losing myself, and I had to put my sanity and well-being before anyone else. Even after coming to that conclusion, there's still a lot of courage involved with figuring out and being oneself versus letting the world make you into something you are not and choosing to live in abject misery. I mean, there are enough people who are miserable in the world and yet refuse to change things because they don't believe in themselves enough or are too scared to face opposition.

And, it's fine to doubt yourself. I'm nearly seven months on HRT, albeit on a low dose, because I still doubt myself from time to time, and didn't feel comfortable going with a higher dose in case I went too far and couldn't reverse changes. I still wonder where I fall in terms of my gender, and figured I was comfortable sitting here in the grey spaces because that's where I truly belonged. If others can't understand that, or want to acknowledge it, I don't pay them any attention. Sure, I may not be masculine, sometimes I don't even feel very male, but my gender is my own and it's my own right to express myself however I want to, and live my life in peace.

Take your time to figure things out, and remember that doubt is a usual part of the process. It'll begin to dissipate once you come to terms with yourself. Take care.

 

Yo, I know this is an old post, but I'm replying anyway, because I'm so relieved to have seen it.

I'm a trans* male who is struggling a lot with doubt right now. I go through phases of being like 'Yep, I'm male, feels great, feels right', and it'll seem like I'm finally over all the bullshit raking-myself-over-the-coals crap, but then it comes back full-force, and it is almost unbearable. It helps to know I'm not alone.

OP, I hope your transition is going well. You sound like a good guy with his head screwed on.

 

Yes. What everyone has said.

When I start to have these feelings (like complete panic gripping my gut, freezing me mid-thought) I try to think about why it is I'm having them and it always correlates to me anticipating someone's reaction to my identity in a negative or critical manner.
When I think about myself coming out to people I know will have issues with it or about any kind of negative, hurtful experiences I may encounter, my mind instantly backpedals and tries to convince me "No, I'm fine. I don't need to transition, I'm probably not even trans. It's cool".

I've learned to overcome these feelings after realizing they were only my fear and anxiety wanting to cocoon me away and shelter me from any troubles I might encounter.
"No, don't do that! Pain could ensue! Think of all the people who will hate you! Run away!"
kind of like the krill in Finding Nemo haha

 

I've sometimes wondered, although I see myself as a girl, not a guy, I also think I'm more masculine than feminine. It's made me think. If I had been born a girl, would I have wanted to be a guy? It used to shake my confidence when I had this train of thought.

Ultimately what I figured was, if I'd been born a girl, I'd simply be a rather masculine girl. Which is who I am at this moment anyway.

 

I read somewhere that confusion is good as certainty is what leads to the road of ruin. The whole, only fools rush in type of thing.

I'm 7 months into questioning my gender. I know in some weird way that I was suppose to be a boy, but for whatever reason I was born a girl. I was raised a girl, condition to think and refer to myself as a female and made to feel bad when I didn't uphold to someone else's strict standards of what it is to be female, being female is the only life I have lived. I know that I'm not as girly as most girls and more feminine than most guys, but I was meant to be guy. Since I've realize this I go to bed telling myself "I am a guy. I am a guy." Because I know when I wake up the doubts will be there. All the times I didn't mind to being a female. All the times I complained about to my friends and felt like one of the girls as we carried on that topic, along with how to deal with period cramps. Every time I make a feminine gesture or nag my brother I suddenly worry that I am to girly to be a guy. I want to transition but do I have that right?

I worry about coming out to my family, they already think my new boyish style is me trying to be a lesbian, which as far as I know I am not. This boy style has always been myself but I never showed it because I was trying to be what others wished me to be. Sometimes I think about the time and money and shit I will have to go through in order to transition and I wonder if I should even bother. Maybe I should dress and act and look boy as much as I can while remaining a girl. But I do not wish to be seen as a butch girl, and I can not go back to way before. I started down a path that I refuse to turn back on. I need to find the real me. My doubts and fears accompany me on my journey and as I push forward some fall away while others dig in deeper. I don't know if they will ever go away, I can only hope they do.
It is sites like this one that help me not curl into a ball and hide away again. It is nice to see that there are others who I can relate to and tell me what I feel and experience is normal.

 

All the time. All the time. Almost never stops. The questions, "how can you be a guy?" "But you like(insert "feminine" thing/activity here." {I know, it doesn't mean anything, but my mind will obsess over it sometimes"}

The doubts "you can never really be a boy." "What do you even want?" "You're just seriously confused." "No one will ever see you like that."

Right now I'm going through a bad patch of Nothing, where I don't feel like a guy, and I don't feel much at all, this is likely some sort of defense, when this happens I just do my best to relax and do whatever is comfortable for me.

And, unrelated, but yeah, CadutiMorte, lots of people, including close friends I've know for years, thought I was a lesbian because of my love for lined men's flannels.

 

Welcome to the club, OP.

I live in what I like to call 'perpetual self-doubt', in which essentially I feel so confirmed about my identity as a woman one moment, but one small action I do or say leads into a string of over-thinking that continues relentlessly. One moment I wonder if I'm feminine enough, then to if I'm just making this whole thing up, to feeling like I'm nothing, to confused, to wondering if it'll all be worth it, wondering if I'll ever find love if I transition, then back to being the feminine me with not a worry in the world.

It's strange, but I feel like it's part of the coping and understanding that one must go through after learning something so major about their life. I believe firmly the more steps I take into my transition, the more comfortable and confirmed I'll feel in the roll I am. I doubt the feeling it'll ever go away fully, sitting in the back of your mind to rear it's head from time to time, but as any new revelation in your life (whether it be sexuality, gender identity, or just plain-old 'lost soul syndrome') it will surely take you a while to feel out what you're comfortable with.

All in time, it'll make sense. Just day by day my love! Walls always open if you need a chat!