I think I can safely say I have been more emotional this past month or so, than I have in eh, a year. I went for a day of shopping out of town with one of my closest friends on the 17th, and I got my hair chopped off! I feel amazing with it gone, and I'm so glad I got the chance to get rid of it! While we were shopping, my friend dressed me up in all male clothing since I made her try stuff on (which she hates to do) and I can't even describe how good it felt to look in the mirror and see a relatively male figure! It was amazing! Unfortunately, I haven't felt near as good since the shopping trip. This past week or so has been particularly difficult. I'm having trouble looking at anything other than my face in the mirror. Even then, I kind of avoid my eyes because I have really feminine glasses. I wear the same hoodie every day. It's one from the outfit my friend had me wear, and I feel safe in it for some unfathomable reason. My family has noticed that I never take it off, and they've commented about how I seem to live in it. I know they don't mean anything wrong by it, but I get really irritated and defensive when they bring it up. My grades are slipping because I can't seem to stop thinking about how I feel all the time. I've grown quieter at school, and I'm really struggling in some subjects. My mom is angry that I'm not studying for the SATs on a regular basis, but I just can't seem to find the motivation for anything! I feel a little dead inside, and that scares me just a bit, because I'm usually a very bubbly, motivated, intensely happy person. Yesterday was the worst. From the moment I woke up I was disgusted with myself, which is completely knew to me. I've never felt so disgusted with my body before, and it took me completely by surprise. I was subdued all day, and when I got home I just hid in my room. I had a math test to study for that I just couldn't focus on, and it got to the point where I ended up wrapping ace bandages around my chest again. I know it's not safe, but I couldn't take it anymore! I immediately felt better (despite how painful binding is) and kept the wraps on for an hour. Apparently this was a mistake because as soon as I took them off, everything got ten times worse!:bang: Dinner was a mess because I was over emotional, really upset, and being forced to listen to my mom rant about how I don't study enough, and how she's tired of hearing about my lack of time due to my math class. Today hasn't been much better, and I just needed to talk to someone I suppose. I didn't think I would feel like this, because I just started researching, and learning, and thinking about transgenders and transsexuals and I just.... I don't even know.
I understand the whole grades slipping thing. This is probably one of my hardest semesters at school and I've been only half there about 75% of the time. What it really came down to was just finding a place that I was really comfortable in. Maybe you could go to the park or something wearing whatever you're comfortable in and study there. The best advice I can give really would be to stay away from what's keeping you down. By that I mean if your mom is bugging you about your school work just do it on your own time and in your own place. As far as getting depressed goes, there has to be at least one thing that helps just a little. I've discovered a few things that have triggered it, or helped me feel a bit better. One of the big ones has just been throwing my feelings on EC. Once you find whatever it is that makes you happy, it is absolutely liberating! Good luck, and remember their are tons of people here willing to help you out that don't know you, but definitely care about and fully accept you. (*hug*)
If dressing in male clothing on the shopping trip made you feel better can you not maybe get to a thrift shop and get some more on the cheap? Even gender neutral clothing might make you feel more comfortable. Tshirts, jeans and hoodies can really go either way if they are plain enough. If it makes you feel better it might help you concentrate on the things you need to get done like studying.
I want to, but unfortunately I'm not old enough to get a job, and if I were to go shopping I would have to take a sibling with me. I can't let anybody know what I'm thinking/feeling yet, but I really want to. It does make me feel amazing and much more confident.
If you shop right you would not necessarily have to tell anyone anything. Like I said there are gender neutral clothes like tshirts and hoodies that could just be a change in style. I know my daughter has gone through many stylistic changes in her wardrobe over the years that had nothing to do with gender expression it was just fashion choices based on her current movie, tv, or book heroes. A neutral tshirt might not make you feel completely dressed like a boy but it could help you get out of the dressed like a girl frame of mind. I know for myself I prefer buying men's tshirts as they are longer and hide more of my gut. If you put it in the "I don't like the way this is cut" reasoning to your parents or whoever you shop with then you could just make it a comfort issue instead of a gender expression issue to them. One really good reason for shopping the boys department instead of the girls is a lot of teen girls clothes are cut super tight and some are quite low in the neckline. You could just say they make you feel uncomfortable and want to cover up more or not be showing off curves that much. Use the more common teen body discomforts as excuses to get what you need to feel better without having to tell them your actual gender expression issues. It is still not as freeing or as fair to you as being able to openly express yourself the way you want but again it is a safer way to maybe ease some of your anxiety. As for taking a sibling you could just say you wanted to get some comfy hanging around the house clothes. I know I sure like some comfy outfits for when I am not going anywhere. Even my sister (who is not a kind or understanding person) would have not given me crap for having at home, lazying around, doing homework clothes. I guess all I am saying is to try to find a path to a happy mid-ground. If you don't want anyone knowing but you want to feel comfortable in your own skin then look for a way to balance out both things. Small steps instead of huge leaps. Safe comforts instead of dangerous changes.
Thanks! I'll definitely be making attempts at this over the summer. I have to wait until I have money from my job, but once I have stuff saved up, I'll be good to go.
