So for the past few years I've been struggling with whether I want to be male or female. I was born a girl and for the most part, I've been pretty girly, but I always felt a little different when I'm around other females my age. I was always taller than other girls and when I would hang out with female friends I always felt more masculine by comparison, but not just physically, it was more of a mental thing. It's the same when I'm around my female friends now, I just feel like a guy when I talk to girls. And in the past few years, I've been secretly dressing as a guy, like when my family isn't around. Sometimes I don't feel like having boobs so I'll bind them and I love having a flat chest. Sometimes I just want to have short hair and a deep voice and wear suits, but then other times, I feel okay with being a girl, I still like to wear heels and dresses and makeup. I guess it depends on the situation, so I was thinking I might be genderqueer or genderfluid, but the thing is, I don't want to be in between, I want to be either one or the other. It's a distressing feeling to not know what you are, and it seems like it's gotten worse lately, but I can't talk to my family about it. Has anyone else experienced this?
I identify as genderqueer and can say that your experience is similar to mine. I totally get not wanting to have boobs; I don't like mine either most of the time. You don't have to decide or label yourself as to what you are right away. If you're okay with presenting as both, why not just continue that? It took me a long time to figure out how I identify (I'm almost 26 and I've only just recently become comfortable being genderqueer). I understand about not wanting to be in between, too, and it can be really frustrating especially if you're not out to many people. It might be weird for people to see you dressed girly one day, and masculine the next. I don't have any concrete advice for how to overcome the frustration of being in between, all I can really offer here is my own experience. It got easier for me when I stopped concerning myself with how other people thought of how I dressed... They're just clothes, after all, and their number one purpose is to cover our nakedness. No one has to know WHY you're dressing a certain way if you don't want to clue them in. My parents, for example, have no clue, but they accept my fashion choices and they don't really care--because they're just clothes. Also give yourself time; I know it's confusing and frustrating, I've been there, but it does get easier over time. (I hope this is helpful to you in some way, I don't feel like I'm being that helpful. :/)
It's always helpful to know you're not alone I wish I could just change into a guy and then magically change back when I wanted to. It's really hard to express my gender when I still live at home. I'm not even out as bi to my family yet. My Dad is religious and super conservative, and even my non-religious family members who would accept me being bi probably wouldn't be okay with me switching between genders. They just wouldn't get it.
You definitely aren't alone. I identify as genderfluid, and it's not unusual for me to wish my chest and body were a little curvier. (I was born with a male body). There are times when I'm perfectly fine as a guy, and other times when it feels completely wrong. And, I've pretty much always felt more feminine than my (male) peers.