shopping for clothes, unnaccepting family and looking for work

I am trying to start shopping properly for men's clothes and finding it difficult. I prefer online to the hassle of going to the shops and having people giving me evil glances for shopping in the men's section. Where I live is very trans phobic. I am having trouble choosing the sort of clothes I want to wear as a man though. As a woman I knew the type of style I liked but as a man I guess I've got to find that all over again. I was talking with some of my family about this the other day (more on them in a minute) and they were saying if they were male they would just have the same style as they wear now but the men's equivalent. In a sense the men they chose as partners dressed the way they would if they were a man because they liked they're sense of style. I am finding it difficult to find mine though and I don't know where to begin. Firstly I avoid all manner of clothing that looks remotely feminine because a) I want to pass as male and b) they feel too girly and make me feel dysphoric. I have noticed a lot of men's clothes these days seem quite feminine looking and in a way similar to women's.

So any advice on what to go for and how to find your sense of style as your new gender?

Returning to my family, things are going from bad to worse. :icon_sad: They are angry with me for not realising I was trans before but I honestly didn't know. They are saying I have made their whole life a lie because they have lived with me all this time thinking I was a woman and so they're basically not speaking to me anymore. I have one friend but I don't feel like I want to keep in touch because I feel different as a guy and it sort of feels like this friend was a friend of me as a woman and not a man. So I have no one to talk to about anything :icon_sad: I am still living at home but I need to find work and I'm struggling with how to go about applying for work as a pre-everything transsexual. Even excluding the trans* part, it's a bit like the clothing situation. I am struggling to find the sort of work I want to go into as a guy. The things I have qualifications and experience in all seem too girly occupations for me now and I know that men can also do typically feminine roles but that doesn't feel right for me anymore. It makes me feel dysphoric (anxious and feeling like I am forcing myself to do something that isn't really right for me). So I am kind of at a loss of where to begin. I don't really know how to 'be' a man yet so I am anxious about going into an all male field because truthfully, I wouldn't fit in there at the moment. I am reasonably intelligent as in I have good grades but again I associate my intellect with being a woman and so it gives me dysphoria to think of using it in the roles I would be qualified for. If I had studied something more male dominated then I guess I wouldn't feel this way

 

Just so you know, when I first felt dysphoric and all with my body and gender identity, I couldn't stand anything remotely feminine. Now, as I'm starting to be accepted more and have dealt with my identity, I don't care about such things anymore. A lot of guys (and girls too) experience this, so I wouldn't worry about it for now. (Also, I get what you're saying about jobs. I'm studying to become a translator and it seems like it's a very female dominated field, for some reason)

Now, for the man style, I'm not stylish at all (I mainly wear plain clothes to hide my curves), so I can't really help you much, but I'll try. What was your style before you knew you were trans? What makes it feminine instead of masculine? If you removed those features, what would it look like? For example, if you liked tight shirts, maybe if you just took a size or two above you would like it more? Same thing with pants. Try to change slowly if you don't feel comfortable, don't push yourself.

 

Try some shops you wouldn't normally look at. If you look in mainstream retailers you are going to find a lot more of the things you describe as 'feminine looking' because that's what sells at the moment. Try looking at an out-doors shop like mountain warehouse or something. It's still your basic trousers and t-shirt/shirt kind of stuff but without any of the extra 'flair' that is so irritating in mens clothes. At the very least it will give you something else to look at.

"They are angry with me for not realising I was trans before but I honestly didn't know."

DO you know what, this might actually be a good thing. Not the part where they aren't speaking to you, that bit kind of sucks, but it does mean they are taking it seriously...BADLY, but seriously. Because now in their eyes you are this guy where there had been a girl. I had a similar problem with my mum who was furious about how I'd taken her son and her whole life was a lie. She decided that rather than not talking to me she would list off a bunch of memorable moments from the past and tell me how I'd ruined them all and that she no longer had a future. Not sure which I would prefer really. HOWEVER it did turn out that this was one step closer to accepting it...didn't happen quickly mind you, but it did happen, and I hope this is what's going to happen to you too!

This is the part that might seem a little mean but it needs to be said. Work. Right now, you are as you said pre-everything trans. Which puts you in the same boat as me (except I've socially transitioned). We are both looking for work and worrying about doing 'the right job'.

As I said, this gets a bet mean but stick with it. We both have to remove trans* from the equation. We have to remove current and eventual gender from it completely.#

feeling like I am forcing myself to do something that isn't really right for me

This sentence probably sums up what...over half the worlds working population? Especially the younger population. Why do we have to remove gender and trans* from it? Because right now, we don't have a choice. You need a job and so do I. Neither of us are qualified to do the things we might want to do right now, nor would we be comfortable doing them yet. So are choice is either bite the bullet and do something we know we won't like and will make us feel crappy for a while, or do nothing. Both of us have goals to leave home, to transition when we are comfortable, to do a job we like and NONE of those things can happen properly until we have jobs. Even jobs we HATE. I've had to force myself over the last few months to fill in applications with my birth name and gender because I can't afford to change my name and can't change legal gender for ages. It hurts every damn time. It hurts to have to apply to tesco and things knowing I don't want to do that job just because I can't do the ones I WANT to do right now (how many primary schools are hiring young, pre-op trans women with very little experience...). It SUCKS but it has to be done so I can get to this next step. Getting the hell out of my family home and into my own place.

My point is neither you nor I can afford to do nothing at this point, so we either have to go for the jobs we want and risk feeling out of place, or go for the jobs we can do and know that while we hate it completely, it isn't forever.

 

I'm seventeen and have had one hell of a time convincing my mother to let me at least by my shoes from the men's section. I went with my father to get some really sturdy boots when I was around my 16th birthday, and I still have them. My excuse was hiking.

My style didn't really change. I wore jeans (men's) and tank tops, along with large male sweatshirts and hoodies.

The point is there isn't really a new style to find, just whatever feels right. I sorta made a male version of my style.

I hope this helps. Good Luck.

 

I understand that shopping online may seem easier but for finding your style might be better to try on some clothes combinations right in the shop. I've never had any bad experience when shopping in the men's section myself. Even as a girl you can still be buying a gift for someone else, right? And when trying the clothes on you can say that your size is as same as e.g. your brother's so if it fits you it'll fit him. :lol:
About the job, rather do something that will make you happy and you have talent for even though it may not be 100% in the male field. Besides there are many careers where both men and women can be pretty successful. Imo it's not the type of career that makes a man man but hard work and dedication to the job. :icon_wink

 

Thanks for the replies Well my style before was smart casual so I would wear blouses, cardigans, and coloured jeans, dresses :eek: so I can't really get any ideas from that. Now I just wear hoodies, skinny jeans, tie my hair back, skip the make up and just feel like a tramp So I need to start dressing better but I'm scared of what people will think of me, both out and about and my family because they are already angry enough about me being trans. I know anger is one of the five stages of grief, I can't remember which but I know it's in there so I guess that's what they're going through. I know it's hard but they still have their own lives in tact whereas mine is currently in pieces so I feel hard done by that I am getting this kind of reaction. I realise it's only natural and what to be expected but it doesn't make it any easier when I feel so alone as it is. Like I said I only have one friend in the world and I'm not sure that friendship is going to survive this transition. My family are all I have and they are rejecting me.

Work sucks because I need a job to earn money to get out of here, to support myself and fund my transition but I have absolutely no idea of any career I want, as either/any gender. I guess what I want while I am transitioning until I can pass as a guy (ie. after hormones and surgery) is a job where I don't have to make too much of an effort interacting with other people. I would love to work with other people if they accepted me and treated me right (ie. used the correct name and pronouns) but let's face it, the chances are that's not going to happen. Ideally, acknowledging the discrimination that trans people face, I would like to work in a role while I transition where I am working with other people and could be out and accepted as trans, but not facing the general public, such as in a customer facing role. I really do need to be around other people since I have no friends, the family aren't speaking and I feel so lonely right now But I know it's going to be hard as a pre-everything trans. So I would settle for a job working alone. I guess my main priority is that I want to work somewhere that will ensure I get as least hassle as possible for being trans. This is more important to me than doing a job I enjoy.

Holly do you intend to work as a man or woman?

 

There is no intend about it, I may have to put 'male' on application forms, but I will turn up to the interview female and I will do the job female. If I am ever asked to present as male I will be informing the individual/company that they are about to (if the haven't already) breach various anti-discrimination laws and deal with it that way.

I know that for a long, long while, I will be called sir and mister, no matter what job I get (unless I am able to get work with children...) but until I'm qualified to do something else, that's what I will be doing.

 

Maybe it's not considered ideal for an FTM figure in some circles, but I say fuck it and dress like this a lot:







Scarves, hats, sweaters, skinny jeans, button front shirts, vests...and ideally fancy shoes, when I can finally find some that'll fit. Maybe I don't "pass" as often as some FTM's (I'm pretty sure only T can get me there, I have very soft features), but I like how I look and I'm comfortable with what I'm wearing, which does wonders for my general mood. It's pretty ironic but closer-cut pants and a few careful layers up top actually hide my curves better than baggy pants and t-shirts do. I've tossed on my pea coat over an outfit like the last one and gotten sir'd.

@Ellia: You're very brave. (*hug*)

 

I was thinking of volunteer work or something to start socialising as a man before going for an actual job but I am finding any socialising, even with family, difficult at the moment. I think I am making progress and moving forward towards accepting my gender identity now but I can't seem to shift the depression. It's not as bad as it was last week or the week before now that I am on new drugs but I still feel demotivated, tired and uninterested in anything.

This week, I look back on the last two weeks when I was at a seriously low mood and still fighting with accepting my gender and I wonder how that could have been me, how I could possibly have been that low.

Thanks for the styling ideas clockworkfox. I am still struggling with who I want to become as a man. I have essentially lost my whole identity throughout this realisation that I was trans and while in some ways I still feel like the same person, I am conscious that it is not as male as I thought I was and this can be gender-confusing and dysphoria triggering. I suppose I feel like I am in pieces at the moment and I am trying to work out which ones I want and which ones I don't want to build together the new me.

 

Sometimes being trans is like putting together a puzzle. You get to see yourself both reaffirmed and invalidated by gender stereotypes from both ends of the spectrum. It's dizzying. As long as you keep feeling out what's right for you, you'll piece yourself together. Maybe you like fast cars and cheap beer and knitting - just because one of those things is not like the others, that doesn't mean it should invalidate you. Hang in there. (*hug*)

 

Yeah it's tricky. It is like a quest to find out who you are.