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Breaking Down Just a Bit

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Ash93, Feb 3, 2014.

  1. Ash93

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    So uumm, I guess today just didn't go like I was hoping it would go, and now I feel like crying and just, I guess I want someone to talk to, because today was horrible.

    I had a dream that I was a biological boy last night, and it was really nice, but when I woke up it left me a little depressed. It kinda started my day off badly, but it's Monday so no biggie. Of course, that motto didn't stick with me because I started worrying over my math test during first period, which left me anxious during a presentation in second period. Then I got slammed with dysphoria just after giving my presentation in second, and I swear I thought I was going to cry in class! I was thinking about f:***:ing self harm it was so bad, and I never NEVER EVER do that! Ever!!

    I only have three periods a day so I figured I would be fine even though I had to stay late for my math test. Wrong. While I was studying for the test after lunch, my counselor sought me out and had a twenty minute talk with me about how I was isolating myself at school. I know she meant well, I really do, but it hurt. A lot. I'm usually pretty social, but after that conversation, I realized I didn't have any close friends at my new school, which left me miserable.

    The test went pretty badly, despite my best studying efforts, and by the time I got picked up, I just wanted to go home and sleep. That didn't happen because my dad had to drag me around on errands for my grandmother, which sucked because I felt like everybody was staring at me the whole time and it just.... It was bad.

    When I got home I started on my math project, which happens to be comparing the prices of mens outfits to womens outfits in designer labels. That was equally terrible and amazing because I loved designing the male outfits for the project, but at the same time I knew I couldn't have any of the stuff and I couldn't wear any of it. My heart kinda shattered then.

    Then I had an SAT/ACT prep class to take, which was pretty cool because I didn't know anybody at the class. My voice was a little deeper and hoarser today because of my allergies, so at the class I would have appeared pretty androgynous, or maybe even like a feminine guy, but my glasses gave me away. And then I was miserable again.

    I came home, and the first thing that happens as soon as my dad and I walk in the door is my parents start fighting. I was literally right there in between them, and they were screaming and yelling and swearing, and it was like I didn't exist! They were slamming doors and plates, and counters and yelling and I just had to sit there and listen because they were blocking the stairs.

    Now I feel like crying, and I really want to be able to talk to someone, and I feel like I only use EC to rant and dump problems on other people, and I should probably stop now. Sorry. Thanks to anyone who happens to read this.
     
  2. BookDragon

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    "I feel like I only use EC to rant and dump problems on other people, and I should probably stop now"

    Never feel you have to stop doing that. Ever!

    I want to just confirm for my own peace of mind that when your councillor came to talk to you about your isolation, that they did in fact come and talk to you about whether you were OK and if you felt you fit in, rather than just coming up and lecturing you about how you're not bothering to make friends.

    There really isn't a lot else to say other than I really hope you have a better day tomorrow! (*hug*)
     
  3. Molly1977

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    Everyone uses EC to rant and dump their problems, someone is always here for you to talk to.

    Your counsellor is there to support you which is why she sought you out at school.

    It sounds like your parents have problems of their own which they really should protect you from. Would it be possible for you to talk to them to explain that you dont wnat them arguing in front of you. I know this can be difficult, do you think they will understand your feelings?

    Also, dont self harm it hurts and makes you look a mess!!! :icon_bigg
     
  4. Ash93

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    Ellia: My counsellor was just trying to make sure I was okay. She wanted to know if I was having problems making friends because of school or something else, and we just talked. It still hurt, but she wasn't trying to be cruel.

    Molly1977: unfortunately my dad uses me to rant to, so even if I didn't witness the fight, I would still hear all about it the next day while he yells about how unfair life is and how he works hard and how I never listen to him. I'm tired of it, in all honesty.

    Thanks for your responses <3
     
  5. anonym

    anonym Guest

    Ash I don't know if this helps but it helped me to think about what I need to get me to where I need to be in life. Focusing on your studies is REALLY hard when you're going through these feelings about your gender because people don't understand and it does turn your world upside down. I couldn't concentrate, I was depressed and didn't feel that I cared. I thought what's the point. But the thing is I needed to finish my degree to be able to give me a better chance of getting a job which in turn will mean I can support myself financially, move out of my parents house and fund my transition. What I'm saying is try to break things down into small steps. If you want to move out from your parents house and you want to get treatment for your dysphoria in the future, then you'll need a job so your studies are important. In the mean time are there any small changes you could make to help you with dysphoria?
     
  6. Ash93

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    I wish I could, but all of my small changes have to wait until the summer when I actually get a job. I'm really trying to focus on school, but it's hard, really hard. I plan on getting a bunch of stuff this summer, and believe it or not I already found a therapist I want to go to. I want the be an SRS when I'm older, so I had to look up related fields to my career for a class. I found a therapist about a half hour from my house, and he deals specifically with the LGBT community and teens. I have made some changes, but I'm almost afraid to do anything more because my parents think guys should be very masculine and pretty much stereotypical. That's not the kind of guy I want to be (I want Burberry and Alexander McQueen outfits....) but they really harp on the person I want to be, without even realizing it. As of right now, there isn't much else I can do:frowning2: