Hello, hi. Um, I was originally just going to lurk and read and see if other people are experiencing the same thing as me, but I decided that I need to talk to someone because I literally have no one around me that would understand any of this and my depression is getting worse. So, recently I discovered the term gender fluid. Recently as in about 4 or so months ago. When I found out about it, I was ecstatic. Finally, a term that helps explain something about myself that I have always been confused about. Now I know I'm not weird or crazy, that these feelings are something legitimately normal and real. Yay, a new revelation. But now I'm constantly thinking about it, because I'm starting to realize things about myself, things from the past and present. I am biologically female, but I think I've mostly tended to be male. I realize these small things, like the way I try to have this masculine presence despite the fact that I'm so obviously female. In the past half year, I've been trying to figure things out. At first, I was thinking that maybe I'm trans, maybe I really want to be male, but then there are days that I like to be feminine and I like to receive attention as a female. When it comes to sex, depending on the gender and the person, I wanted to be female or male or inbetween. That being said, I hate my body most days. I don't feel like I'm in the right body. Honestly, I want to look androgynous, but I want a penis, but I still want to be female some days. And the dysphoria from all this has made me cry and I get sick with anxiety because I don't know what the hell to do. I think I'm too chicken to transition, but I'm tired of feeling depressed because I'm not male on the outside when I do feel male on the inside. I don't even know if it's the surgery I'm scared of. I have two kids. The only people who know that I'm gender fluid in real life I can count on one hand. I'm scared of the permanence. I'm scared that if I go through with it, what will my kids have to deal with if someone finds out? I don't want to be the cause of them being bullied in school. I'm just so freakin' lost and depressed. I'm going to a psychologist for other reasons, but I don't even know if I should broach this subject at my appointments because I live in Tennessee and I don't even know if she would understand. The people who do know only have a small understanding of what gender fluid is. So, I guess I'm posting on here because I want someone to explain to me what's going on and why I'm feeling like this and I want to know I'm not alone in feeling like this. Sorry, it's such a long post.
I totally get the making yourself sick with anxiety. I swear sometimes I think I'm gonna get sick in class because of mine. Does dressing differently help on the days when you feel strongly like one gender or the other? I don't know too much about being gender fluid, but I know dressing in male clothing helps me a bit. As for your kids, I think you should give them a chance when you're ready too. I'm 15, and if my mom were to tell me today that she thought she was genderfluid, I would do everything I could to help her. We kids have the amazing capacity to accept, I think. Maybe because we're still kids and we're still making our own opinions. I may be getting too optimistic too, but I don't think you're kids would get treated differently if you came out. My parents' lives don't really affect mine, so I could safely say that if either came out as genderfluid, it wouldn't affect my relationship with my peers.
I haven't really been able to dress male to honestly say that it helps. Normally I wear t-shirts and jeans, but I know that if I had the money to get a good binder and the type of clothes I would want to wear if I was physically male, I would be somewhat happier. I don't have money just falling out of my pocket though. My divorce just got finalized, I'm living at my mom's with my kids, I'm going to school full-time, and I haven't been able to find a job, so I don't have money that I can just spend on that stuff. It's not really the whole gender fluid thing that I'm worried about. I'm more worried about the transitioning. Like if I really do get the guts to transition, I'm worried about it affecting my kids in a negative way, because society is all kinds of messed up and I know how judgmental kids and adults can be. There's plenty of instances where kids get bullied for their parents being gay, so I'm just over here thinking about what would happen if someone found out that I used to be female. Both of my kids are under the age of 3 right now, so I have a couple of years. But it's just the thought of their life being harder because of something like that, that I'm just even more hesitant. I don't even know if I really do want to transition. I just know that the dysphoria gets so bad sometimes and I feel like I'm just not in the right body when I feel male. I wish I could just swap bodies whenever I wanted to, just so I didn't have to worry about the permanence of transitioning.
From my Experience: I don't feel confused about my gender, I feel confident and know who I am and what I feel and believe I just keep it to myself and don't share it with every one. Some days I feel more Womanish, other days more Manish, while usually it's some where in the middle. I would say 44% of my time is some where in the middle. 21% Male-ish and 35% Female-ish... I base those on self observations and "mental" diaries. My physical sex is male and on the days where I don't feel dominantly male I feel like my body does not represent who I am on the inside, I wish I could shape-shift, really I do. I have just recently stopped being in self-denial about this and my orientation and now I feel so much better even if it's still a secret from most people. I have always liked Tomboys, and Effeminate-men and I have always liked feminine appearances so I really don't know if Orientation can be categorized so neatly as we attempt to do. I do have rare instances where I will be attracted to masculinity but they are not that common. If you feel confused in some way, ask your-self important questions like Who am I now, Who do I feel I will become, Who do I want to be, Who have I been in the past, those kind of soul searching questions but Don't internalize every thing, I made that mistake and suffered depression since the age of 12 till now. Express yourself to those whom you trust the most to some one whom you are confident will listen to you.
Thank you. I think I've calmed down a lot since last night. I was having really bad dysphoria and I just don't know how to handle it. I know when I'm feeling male/female/inbetween. I know which one at the time. The thing that upsets me is that I can't have the appropriate body to accompany the feeling. I've been dealing with depression since I was around 11 years old. I know very well how much bottling up things can be destructive. It's just that I don't know who to talk to about it that would understand. That's why I joined this site, because I've never really stepped into the lgbtqia community. Maybe because of where I live and how I was raised in a town full of judgmental Christians who firmly believed being anything but straight was disgusting and a sin. That's why I'm hesitant to even talk to my psychologist, because I don't know if she would understand or be judgmental. Anyways, for the most part, I know who I am. I know what I want to do with my life. I just don't know how to handle the dysphoria. I've always been laid back about my sexuality and even with finding out about gender fluid, I was like "Oh, okay. That makes sense. Everything makes sense now." It's just, how do you handle feeling like you're not in the right body sometimes? I don't have anything to help change my appearance, as far as clothes wise. I don't tell people when I'm feeling male. Scratch that, I told one of my online friends one time, because it was an overwhelming feeling and more like an observation than anything. Other than that, I go by female pronouns, I don't have a male name because I don't even know how that would go with other people. Like how would they know when to refer to me as a male unless I'm expressly dressed male or outright told them, which I wouldn't because I don't feel like complicating things for other people. I've just got a lot of conflicting thoughts and it's confusing and I'm glad I joined this site because now I know I'm not alone and it's such a gratifying feeling.
One thing you might try is creative writhing and blogging when you are in those moods. I do that and it helps me unload some of the emotional stress with creativity.
You just summed up my life outside of school and my kids, lol. That's all I do when I have free time is blog and write fanfics. It does help a lot, though. I think I would be worse off if I didn't have those outlets.
