feeling more and more detached from my body!

Help!

I'm feeling more and more detached from my male body lately. Maybe it's bring more out about my internal gender identity and finding more empathy than I really expected here. I don't know. I think my ID as "non-med" is yet another attempt at bargaining with myself to not transition. Hence the "(or pre- anything)".

I'm finding myself removed, like I'm looking at someone else when I look in the mirror. A guy. And I hate it! I used to see "Emma" but now I just see "Jake"as in the "pre-transgender" person I used to be. Yes I know I've always been trans, but "Jake" was my social construct I had to develop in my youth.

Being out is FABULOUS! Being able to wear my girly jeans and tees to work, just because I can and it's more comfy. But, knowing I can be open about me is liberating in itself.

However, now knowing I've got more allies than I figured possible has got me realizing that it's ok to be me, to the fullest. And that includes transition to make my body female, or at least have the secondary characteristics including a rounder butt and hips, breasts, lessened musculature etc. That's what I SHOULD see in the mirror. Nevermind the hair loss -- that's what wigs are for. But I just need to be free to be me!

My therapist says she's not able to recommend HRT. And there are no gender clinics in my area. She may be able to consult with specialized therapists; I'll have to ask.

Any advice? I'm getting depressed again. And to top it off, we're moving to a small town of only a couple thousand people. I think my wife is thinking she'll "straighten"me out if we're there. But I'm going as me, as much as I can for the time. I SOOOOO don't know what to do!:help:

 

The hard part is realizing that it's not selfish or superficial. I suppose it is selfish but not bad selfish. selfish just has a bad connotation. I feel that I need these characteristics to appreciate myself when I look in the mirror. I am just feeling very disconnected.

I appreciate your insight, as always. I'm just feeling a little hopeless right now because I don't know where to turn for hormones.

 

Thanks. I've got nobody in the vicinity to see that is specialized in gender issues. And, I'm on meds for anxiety ... they're not helping with this. Actually they're for bipolar ... not helping now that I know this about me.

 

So I'm definitely in the makes of getting on HRT. My wife has been talking about how she wants to make this move, to a small town (yep, small-town Nebraska).She's talking about her wanting a new wedding ring (which I'd said before that i wanted to get for her). She's talking about my son maybe needing braces (he's 7, and has some crowding that our dentist wasn't worried about yet). And about (get this) our kids having kids! They're 7, 5, 3, and 18 mos! Where are my needs in all this?

Maybe I AM selfish. But i have needs too. I'm not wild about small towns. I told her this, but she still wants to go. I don't know ... she's said that if I need to transition we'd find a way to do it. But it's such a volatile issue that, if I gently remind her of using "partner" instead of "husband,"or the feminine pronouns and descriptives, she'll get angry. How do I talk about HRT with someone like that? How do I talk about my needs fitting in with her wants and needs? I'm just so torn right now. I'm starting to tear up writing this.

 

I am so sorry Emma ;; is there a planned parenthood in the area? they can also help you with HRT (pointing you to someone who will prescribe you it) if your therapist won't :/
With my Therapist she told me that "I live too much for other people, and I needed to live for me more". Yes you have needs, you're human, find ways to satisfy those needs girl

 

There is no planned parenthood in the area as it got barred when they tried to come in. Conservatism at it's worst, I suppose. I'm going to my therapist tomorrow; I'll talk with her about consulting gender-specialized therapists and see what she can do that way. At least maybe she can share info and the other person review and give her support? Idk ... Damn gender police!

---------- Post added 6th Feb 2014 at 06:23 AM ----------

She wants to live near her parents. The town is 25 mi from us here. I'd keep my job I now have.

We're not sure our son will need braces; our dentist said it's too early to tell yet. I'm just frustrated because she said we'd find a way to get it done (my transition) but it's all out the window with all else she wants to discuss. I'll just talk to my therapist and see how she suggests I deal. Thanks.

 

Go ahead, Holly. Bring the guesses. Probably better than mine.

I'm SOOOOO stuck here ... I know what to do, but can't seem to find the right road to travel to get there.