I am having a bit of difficulty finding myself and wondered if anyone with experience can advise how they found themselves or are in the process of finding themselves as their new gender. Basically ever since I first started feeling trans, the feminine things about my personality and appearance made me feel very uncomfortable and anxious so I started to change my appearance bit by bit and now I am starting to try and act and dress like a guy. As I have said on another thread, the problem I am having right now is that I don't really know who I am as a man. What I do know is the things that I used to do (hobbies, work, studies) don't feel right for me any more. I consciously try to modify my behaviour or take an interest in something more typically male such as the way I speak or watching sports for instance and it will feel unlike me, sort of removed from my emotions, but the main thing is it feels like this is what I should be and doesn't give me dysphoria. But if I am not watching my behaviour the old me comes through and I will say or do something which instantly triggers dysphoria (like talking with too much intonation). It just feels awful. But what I am afraid of is that my personality is too feminine for the person I feel I ought to be gauging from my dysphoria triggers (the yuk that was so girly feeling). How do I find the person I am supposed to be underneath basically?
Well, for one thing, being male doesn't mean you have to act masculine. I'm a guy, always have been, but I feel / think in a fairly feminine manner. Hope that helps. Probably didn't.
I understand a bit. I've been a swimmer my whole life, but with this new discovery, I find myself more hesitant to get in the pool, which kills me. Here's how I look at everything. There are people like Tyler Oakley and Davey Wavey in the world, and Chris Colfer and all sorts of femme guys. It's okay to be a little more feminine since you've been female your whole life. If you try giving yourself a more masculine appearance, does it help with the dysphoria from feminine aspects of your personality?
I'm a lifeguard by trade so know all about not wanting to go near the pool, 'cept I can't avoid it since...well...it's my job, not to mention I also teach kids how to swim! Don't force yourself to do stereotypically male things, because they are just that, stereotypes! Like I would say i'm not a girly girl, i play shooter video games, watch rugby and am into technology. To a lot of people only guys do these things, but that is just a stereotype. I feel psychologically that I'm a girl, that is what matters. What makes you a guy is how you feel, if you feel psychologically that you are a guy that is all that matters!
I think, don't just do something because it's a typically "masculine" activity or whatever. You don't have to be a stereotypical kind of either gender to be trans*. If you don't like doing something, don't just do it because it's "a guy thing", do what you like!
I understand what you mean. I've been feeling kind of like you for a while, because all of these mannerisms have become so habitual that it's hard to keep yourself from slipping. I'm okay with being kind of femme, but I don't want to be as femme as my mannerisms make me, right? And at the same time, you worry that these things will make other people think you aren't "trans enough". But then I remember that it took me years to learn those femme things, so it's gonna take some time to pick up on the masculine things. And doing EVERY macho thing makes me feel weird (but seriously, who wouldn't), so I'm just doing things that make me feel good. As for hobbies, here's my advice: keep the things that interest you and make you happy, regardless of whether or not they're "girly". Like, I still love theatre and chick flicks and feminism, but that doesn't make me any less of a guy. Every guy has interests that are feminine, regardless of what macho stereotypes want you to believe. On that note, doing things because other people think you should won't make you feel good and won't make you feel like yourself. Not that I'm not guilty of it too, but you've gotta try to take care of yourself and do what makes you happy. It's something I've been trying to remember. As I've been trying to figure out what I really want, I've been getting a better idea of who I am. I'm still confused, but I feel like I'm not completely lost anymore.
Well acting more masculine makes me feel a bit weird because it's not what I'm used to and it doesn't feel like me but it doesn't make me go eugh. But I can be talking to someone and realise I'm acting girly and then I just sort of cut off mentally and emotionally and feel distant. Then I think I must change my behaviour. So it is learned that I can be a bit of a gossip and like cute fluffy pets? :icon_redf because I occasionally get caught out with such things and they make me feel too feminine.
One can argue that everything is learned. But that's not a bad thing. How are cute fluffy pets feminine? Every guy I've dated save for one has had at least one adorable little fuzzball in their life. Even the one that didn't have a pet himself liked looking at adorable animals. I know what you mean, about feeling "blegh" when you find yourself doing stereotypically feminine things. But I encourage you to try and remember that all things are truly neutral. Guys have A LOT more "feminine" hobbies, habits, and qualities than stereotypes want you to believe. If you try and shun all of the "feminine" pieces of your personality and build this "macho" stereotype, I don't think you'll be truly happy, because I don't know any guy like that in real life - it's really just a stereotype. I know for me, it's actions more than hobbies that make me feel blegh. You can slowly learn to carry yourself differently if that's the case - I'm working on speaking with a little less inflection myself. But try looking at hobbies and interests as neutral things. I've known men that knit and sew, bake and cook, draw and paint, dance and sing.
