Confused; the road to self-discovery

I have never really known who I am; when I came out as being gay (now almost three years ago), I was very depressed. When I learned to be myself, to be appreciated even though I was gay, I was so happy and had the time of my life. However, I got depressed again; and I don't really know why. All I know is that I have no idea who I am, or more importantly, what I am.
I've been raised in an environment where everything was pretty much in black and white. A few days ago, I was watching a movie, and there was music playing and for some reason I was so touched, I felt like I wanted to be a woman. I've never been so scared, I have thought about it in the past too, but it felt so real. Today I've been reading a lot about transgenders, and I have cried a lot, but this website has helped me a lot. I have read lots of threads here, and have discovered that a description I liked (I think it fits me) is that I am a 'tomboy girl in a male body'.

But I am so confused what this all means; am I just a really feminine guy? Cos I know I am, and to be quite honest, that has led to me disliking myself. I know I don't fit the norm of being male; and that hurts, but does that necessarily mean I am female? I do feel like one of the girls though, not one of the guys. I want to be seen as one of the girls, I think?

However, I don't feel uncomfortable about my body. I know, when I look in the mirror, something is not right, but I can't really say I want to grow breasts. Not that I would mind, sure, being a woman would be fun. But I like having a penis, and to me that is all so confusing. I do not feel like a man, but is that due to me being female or due to me disliking myself for not fitting the norm of being male? Could I be a transsexual, or just gay?

I am so confused. I don't know what to do; my family doesn't even accept me being gay. So if I were to be trans, I would lose so many people. I really am hurting really bad, so I hope someone can help. Luckily, these threads have already given me some comfort. I know now that I am not alone or crazy, but still. The road to self-discovery is confusing, painful and a little dark.

Thoughts?

---------- Post added 5th Feb 2014 at 03:15 PM ----------

The main problem is, I have been ridiculed so much for being feminine while being a man, that I don't know if that is why I feel like it would be right if I were a girl, or if that's really the case. It is all so complicated.

 

I don't really know what I feel like. I may not feel like a man, but I think that is only because I am not masculine at all. But to me, it's just weird when people say 'As a man, I just like other man too.' I have never been able to relate to that, I think.

However, there have been times I wanted to be one of the guys; but being one of the girls just feels more natural to me.

I can relate to pretty much anyone, so also to trans people. The thing is ofcourse, does it mean something?

True. But I am from the male sex, and I think that's ok.

True... I do think it is important; but I wonder if I do not feel like one of the guys because I have never been treated like one (guys usually ridiculed me), or if it's more. I come from a long history of being bullied, and something like that obviously has some influence on your view of the world.

I am not really sure if that's because I don't have abs, think I am or too hairy; because sometimes that makes me a little uncomfortable. However, I do like growing a beard, I think it looks good on me. So it's all so confusing.

So what do I feel like? Probably like a woman; or a tomboy girl in a male body? Or a really feminine guy? I really don't know, I think this is the hard part I have to figure out.

 

The thing is, I know I am not completely 100% anything. To be quite honest, no one probably is, even though I think I should be. I know I should not think like that, but I do.

So what is a woman to me? A woman to me is someone feminine, someone who is elegant, sexy, maybe even sensual. Someone who is obviously one of the girls; I personally like the associations I have with the word 'woman'.
For 'man' not so much, I think they like to brag in a very annoying way; they're obviously not elegant or anything like that. Sure, I am into guys, they're really attractive, but that's about it.

And well, why I described myself as a tomboy, that's more of a description I took from another thread on here. I just feel like I am feminine, but also a little masculine sometimes (I like having a beard, I like having a penis); I feel slightly indifferent about my body though, it is just not that attractive to me. So I feel more like a girl (the stereotype at least), but am obviously male.

 

That would be pretty awesome; it is just that I don't feel like I am male through and through. I don't think I would mind being called a 'she'; I have to admit it would be weird at first maybe.
I really have no clue who/what I am; and I feel like there is something more to it than just being feminine. And usually I just ignore that feeling, but I just can't anymore. I owe it to myself to find out what exactly is going on. I made myself a promise after coming out as gay, and that's that I would do anything to make me happy. And while this whole thing scares me, I need to explore it, I think. I just hope that I don't have to transition, because I feel like that would be really hard for me, especially since my family are traditional christians. And I would never bash religion, I'd even call myself an open-minded christian, but there is no way they would accept me and the thought of that really scares me.

I have been thinking though, maybe it's just that I sometimes want to dress as a woman occasionally? That I am a drag queen (I am sorry if I use the wrong term for that); it is something I could always try ofcourse.

I think, the main thing is, that whatever I do (even if I am just feminine), I would never feel like I was man enough. I've been told so many times that I was too feminine, or got asked why I did/wore accessories, since they were only for girls. I grew up in an environment were everything was really in black and white, and it is so hard for me to just see that some things are just 'grey'. That sex obviously isn't a binary opposition.

Thanks for the replies! I wouldn't know what to do without them, so thank you.

 

Yes, I have. To be honest, I have been feeling like this for years, and now I am just at a point where I don't know anymore. I don't mean to sound depressed, but I am, but I have lost every bit of happiness that I once had. Sometimes all I want to do is just lie in bed, and that's it. Now that can't be just depression, since I have other health problems too, but still, it can't be good.

The thing is, as a kid I liked dressing up as a girl. I liked wearing my mom's heels, I always pretended to be a woman. I really wanted to be a girl, I do remember that. When I grew up, that somehow stopped. Not entirely, I think; I mean, I am still feminine (but aren't most gays?), but I just started having all these feelings for guys, when I was meant to be with girls. So I never really thought about it again, until I started to accept that I was gay.

But whatever it is, I am in an identity crisis and it really hurts, I can't feel myself anymore. I am just so happy to finally be able to talk about it, to not ignore any doubts. That is what gets me through.

 

No, not necessarily. I just feel like I'd like being a girl, especially since I like being 'one of the girls'. I can't describe it, there is just something I like about the idea of being a woman.

I am glad that it is all a lot clearer to me now. I just need to figure out what me liking the idea of being a woman means.

 

I am so confused. I do not recognize myself whenever I look in the mirror. I know I said this before, that something doesn't feel right when I look in the mirror, but it is like I am detached from what I see. That I am not the person staring back at me, and to be honest, this is starting to get to me. I am so sad... :icon_sad:

 

You have in no way offended me, you just made me smile. So thank you.
I just hope I will figure it out. Right now, I am very scared of figuring it all out; what if the things I learn about myself are things I don't want to know?

 

I had this really weird feeling this morning. I saw what was probably a MtF trans, and felt uncomfortable. Maybe I was jealous, I don't know. I just felt really weird, and the thing is, a friend asked me today if I felt like I was complete. I didn't feel like I was, and now I am starting to question myself again, while during the last few days I felt comfortable with myself again. I don't know if this is due to depression, or if I really have trans feelings at this point.
And seeing a MtF trans, made me realize that I could never be that. I would never have the guts to transition, even if I wanted to.

---------- Post added 11th Feb 2014 at 05:11 AM ----------

I don't want life to be this hard, damn.

---------- Post added 11th Feb 2014 at 05:20 AM ----------

One more post... I just feel like I should be female, yet I don't dislike or hate my body. But I think I'd rather be a woman; I love the clothes, love everything that's associated with being a woman. I have said this before, but that's just what it comes down to. However, I still have no idea what this means, I don't feel complete, but I don't feel like I have to transition. But maybe that's just because I don't let myself have those feelings, who knows? It was like that, when I found out I was gay.

What does strike me, is that I don't love myself. I often pretend I do, but I hate myself. And that's not just about appearance (even though I would like to be more masculine, because that's more accepted), I don't like myself. But I can't help but feel that's because I am scared of finding out who I am. Or maybe it's just because I was bullied so long, always the odd one out. I just don't know, I feel like I am never going to find out who I am. And the thought of finding out who I am scares me.

 

Whenever I feel depressed, I like to lay down and just think for an hour with my eyes closed. And I just realized something; I don't feel worthy of being a man, as in I don't feel man enough. That could be why I don't love myself, or even dislike myself.
As for me and the way I look, I think I looked really good (sorry if this sound arrogant) last summer. Does this mean anything? I can't wait for it to be summer again, I'm probably going to be in Italy for 2 months. I feel at home there.