This is a bit lengthy, I apologize for that. I have become extremely interested in cross-dressing recently, which has sent me into a state of confusion. I don't know what it says about my sexual interests and such, how could I? After doing some research, these forums being most of it, I learned the difference between sexual preference, gender identity and gender expression (well vaguely). I have had bits and pieces of female clothes on over the last few years. Borrowed this here and that there, without permission. I thought it was a teenage hormone driven, perverted thing, sickeningly normal. I labelled it as a fetish, and didn't feel compelled to do it again for a while. I would ignore it when the thought came to mind. It felt right saying it's just a fetish. I would get really aroused when wearing these clothing pieces. Somehow "just clothes" doesn't feel applicable. It seems like a big deal to me. I almost freak out at just the thought. This is completely illogical, well to me, I am having an issue grasping why it feels like a big deal. A while ago while visiting a family friend, I noticed lingerie lying on the floor. Those one piece things that are made of soft shiny material and has the sole purpose of being revealing and arousing. I slept over and this was early the morning, I walked into the wrong room while half out of it still, looking for the bathroom. For some reason my first thought was that I would like to try it on. I decided no after some thinking and went on to the bathroom. For the rest of that morning my thoughts were with this garment, I wanted to put it on. The next morning the thoughts returned, "everyone is sleeping, no one will know, I want to wear it". It felt like an adrenalin rush from doing something soooooo wrong every step as I undressed and put it on. I could not feel comfortable but I could not resist the urge. The next thing that confused me was that, not only was standing practically naked with clothes on that I knew would not look good on me, but I was actually unhappy about it looking "wrong". The bulge in the front, the Moobs (man boobs) looked wrong, my arms and legs are hairy and worst was that I was as stiff as a board, which was just gross, didn't fit the clothes at all. Unrealistic hopes/expectations I didn't even knew I had. The family friend walked in right about then, as I was staring unhappily at my hairy butt in the mirror. The shame I felt as she giggled herself into a coma was horrible. She was strangely supportive though. I expected some sort of "you're a freak" comment, but nothing. She actually listened to what I had to say, having had thoughts about dressing and acting like a woman, which would gross myself out and all that, so I would rather ignore it and all that. She suggested I look it up and that the odds are there is no running away from it. Since then I have been thinking about it regularly, reading about these things, arguing with myself that I am becoming obsessive and maybe I am just being delusional or silly. I think I want to cross-dress even though I don't understand why, so I intend to try it, but I am struggling to get myself there. I almost accept it as how it is but coming to terms with it is not exactly easy, it goes against everything I have been taught and raised to know, wondering what others might say, reading about how it destroys families and ruins friendships. I think I am scared as well, though I do not know of what exactly, so it's safe to assume everything. Is it safe to say that my gender expression in this case says nothing about my preferences and identity? Am I being overly dramatic? Is it supposed to bother you this much?
Firstly, I want to assure you that it is completely normal to be bothered this much about it! As you said, you can't explain it. You feel compelled to do it and you don't know why, and you fully expect everyone to think you're some sick freak because of it. You're NOT some sick freak, but it IS scary. Just so I'm clear in my own mind, am I right in saying that you feel compelled to wear 'womens' clothes and when you wear them sometimes you feel your body is wrong! Do you only feel like this when cross-dressing?
A bigger question or questions to ask yourself? 1.) Is it just the clothes? 2.) Is it you want to have a feminine appearance down to makeup and body structure? I.E. do you want to "pass"? 3.) Do you dislike being male? Clothing choice has nothing to do with sexuality but does say something on your gender preference seeing as how gender I say is a social construct. So confusion is normal. The action is not wrong. I used to think of myself as "just a crossdresser" but I figured I like the female aesthetic so I want to actually be taken for a female in public. I do have some feminine qualities but that doesn't preclude my sexuality or my preference for traditionally male activities such as action movies and violent video games and other stereotypical nonsense. I don't want to transition (but if I magically woke up as a female it wouldn't bother me). I'm not dysphoric so I don't hate being male. These are questions you need to ask yourself. Crossdressing itself is not weird. It may be confusing and you may have different choices to work out. You're not troubled by the act as much as what it really means about your gender identity which is not something that is easily answered.
@ElliaOtaku: I have only felt unhappy about not looking "right" when I had some form of feminine clothing on. However, I am not sure if it is relevant, I have been really bothered with trying to lose weight and grow my hair out long, which I have also no specific reason for when asked other that it is my idea of a good look. I started exercising and without much thought made my goal weight loss with as little as possible muscle gain. I don't want to look masculine as such. @Kasey: I think I actually want to pass yes. Which in itself sort of scares me. I have never been bothered with being a guy as such, though I find it majorly frustrating when people have certain expectations of me or criteria by which I am judged for being male. I don't watch sport, never have and never will enjoy it, I don't play it either. I am not interested in fixing a car engine or learning how to fix electronic appliances, I am not constantly running after girls, I would much rather enjoy the emotional and mental aspects to films than simple guts and glory. By the standards of those around me that makes me a weird dude, or something. I hear it quite often. My longer hair doesn't help much apparently. So while I don't really fall under the typical guy group, I never really hated being a guy. On occasion the thought would cross my mind that being a woman would somehow be better, though I do not have an objective reasoning behind this. Maybe it's because of expectations or because my sister was somewhat treated differently than me or something, I just don't know. I don't think I am very feminine either though. It could be because I was raised male and was taught it was shameful and weird in a negative way to be or aspire to be feminine that I have never tried, or prohibit myself from trying anything feminine. Might also be why the CD thing is such a obstacle for me. Thank you both for your help.
Well there are benefits to both sexes. You seem to be recognizing you have more feminine tendencies and are questioning gender and sexuality so it is to be expected to be confused. I don't fall under the typical guy group either. Am I a sports nut, no. Will I watch it, yes. Do I secretly watch the fashion magazines... yes. Do I like beer and rap music... yes. Do I want to comment on girls dresses and shoes? Yes. I'm a combination of many things which if you look at each individual honestly that no one is just one stereotypical label. Don't rush anything. You will know yourself if you look.
Though I have read that you can be a butch woman and a feminine man without that necessarily meaning anything, and thus the same could be said for men having no or very few male interests, it just felt like these comments and lack of interest in stereotypical male interests are relevant suddenly. I have never let it bother me before until I started questioning myself for having a cross-dressing interest. Thank you for clearing that up though. I intend to explore this as and when I can, which won't be often since most if not all of my family is somewhat really judgmental. Luckily this family friend and her boyfriend are very accepting and have said it's fine if I try it there. They will even help where they can since I am too shy to buy clothes. I don't know if this question makes sense, but could accepting this sort of thing, if I were to be more comfortable presenting female and decide to do so (if I eventually manage to pass), make a person less shy? I am always somewhat nervous in public even when just walking around in public as a normal male. I am shy something fierce and I feel like I am always being watched and judged. I feel paranoid. I don't know what it is I am so worried about doing wrong or don't want others looking at so it bugs me.
Definitely going out and trying to pass as the opposite gender take a lot of courage the first times you do it. Doing anything you normally don't do because of shyness or anxiety again takes confidence. Maybe you DO want people to look at you but want them to see you as a female.
I just wanted to add.. that is how it started with me, just a hobby in the night, but then I begin to feel... detached from the world as a male. Depression, anxiety & panic attacks were an all too common thing in my childhood & adolescence, but when I was in female clothes everything... the world, just didn't seem to phase me, I felt happy. I brushed it off for a long time.. because in all honesty I had no idea what were the signs of Dysphoria were(or what it even meant)so I would ignore it, hiding in my "shell" all the time. My depression, anxiety, and attacks are all a thing in the past as I slowly start to live full time as a woman, the only thing I regret is not doing this sooner, and brushing my "fetish" under a rug in my head. now there are a few things to consider what you may fall into. Drag queens do it for entertainment (Like the Kabuki women, who in ancient times were just men in drag) Transvestites do it for enjoyment, Transgenders do it because it feels right, with the intention of becoming the opposite sex in time Just don't let any of these terms strike you as derogatory, they are far from it, regardless of what the media may portray, you should be proud of your needs of exploration =)
So I could be right in thinking it's relevant, thank you for clarifying that a bit for me. I hope to figure out where I fit in those categories in time but I recon I don't need to label myself. I guess then I will only find more answers or questions in time by going with it. Where would one start? Do I work on accepting this first as it is somewhat 'weird' for me, or will that come with the repeat practice of dressing up? I don't think I will be comfortable with it just yet since last it still felt like I was doing something wrong.
you should work on accepting it first, which can be the hardest thing to do, aside from going out dressed as a woman lol Like I said, I should've accepted it early in life, but it was pretty hard to do so alone and dont worry about the labels, I only mentioned them because people get them confused ^^
I don't think I will be trying to go out dressed anytime soon. The very thought makes my stomach flip. I still have to get things of my own anyway, clothes and such. You didn't have anyone who could support you in person? Going through this alone must have been close to hell. I think there I am quite fortunate. The family friend and her boyfriend said that I am more than welcome to dress up there and they will even help should I need it. I like talking about issues when I face them, sometimes it's a bit hard to find people whom you can talk to about certain things though, but other people's input I value as it helps me find direction or a starting point to solving it as such. I easily enlarge my own problems by trying to look at the whole thing and sort it out as a whole instead of breaking it down. I have my doubts about this but that doubt is also a problem so I discussed it with certain people. I was hoping my best friend would be like "yeah, I've been there, it's a normal phase, manly" or something... Nothing along those lines though. He looked at me funny then went into support mode with laughter. "When or if you finally go all out, can I come along?". I was not expecting that reaction one bit. Also sort of let it slip in front of my mother, now we are arguing over female names 0.o It is weird as hell for me thinking about it and trying to understand why I feel the need to dress or wish to act feminine. I don't understand it and it confuses me. Luckily I have a lot of supportive people in this very judgmental environment and there are places like EC so I don't have to deal with the entire thing alone. I'll just work through it and ask questions as they come to mind. Through this thread and reading others I have already started organizing my thoughts and finding some direction. I know others accept me regardless of who I am, so what's stopping me? Thanks for explaining the categories, any guidance helps.
I keep thinking that it will blow over at some point or another, I expect to just snap out of it. Working to accept something that might only be in my head or temporary. I am worried that I have people who support me and then it turns out to be 'fake'. I don't like bugging people for nothing. Yet this thing has me confused and excited in the strangest way.
Lol, you sound exactly like me ~a year ago. Only 2 weeks ago did I go out and buy my first couple outfits, and tonight I went to a LGBT center here in my town, they had a gender discussion group. Tomorrow I plan on going to a counselor to kind of get a better idea of my options. I think if you have access to an LGBT community center or counselor those are great options, especially when you over-think so far you're overwhelmed with self-doubt. Also I found it reassuring when I started to go out and buy clothes of my style and size and made an effort to look pretty, I'm not that pretty yet but I really enjoy trying.
I was actually contemplating doing just that. I won't help myself by over-thinking but it kinda just happens. I am not sure if there is an LGBT community center nearby however. I should really have a look.
Yeah I overthink everything too, I really enjoyed just being there and finally feeling like I belonged. The internet is an amazing resource our generation is privileged to have, especially for problems like ours.
You can say that again. Just reading some of these forums and blogs about related topics help to dose the feeling of being alone, or helps you figure things out. Until recently though I thought the internet was only good for people ridiculing each other and posting cat pictures.
