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FTM....and a bridesmaid?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by justjade, Feb 7, 2014.

  1. justjade

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    One of my friends has been engaged for over a year, and before I realized I'm trans, she asked me to be one of her bridesmaids. However, the closer this wedding gets to actually having a date set in stone, the less comfortable I am with the possibility of wearing a dress and possibly heels. I don't want to shave my legs and underarms. I don't want to be changing clothes in the same room as the girls and be seen in my boxer briefs. But most of all, I don't want to be known as this pretty girl who's wasting her time with a butch haircut and no makeup.

    The wedding colors, are red, black, and white, and I want to wear red pants, a white shirt, black shoes, and a black tie or bowtie instead of a dress, but I have a feeling that's not going to fly. I'm out to her, but she still just sees me as a tomboy. It's pretty depressing. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'd be more comfortable just bowing out and letting her pick another bridesmaid, but I don't want to offend her. And I don't want to out myself in front of everyone either. I'm just not sure what to do. I don't want to tell her I don't feel comfortable wearing a dress, but I don't want to not wear one either.

    I'm just afraid that if I show up wearing anything but a dress that I'll get outed in front of all these very stringent religious folks. I don't want to offend anyone, but I'm just not sure what to do. Any advice or insight would be helpful. I'm open to the possibility that I might enjoy dressing in drag in a church, but that has yet to be seen.
     
  2. Girishbbe

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    If I was you, I'd start by talking to the bride. Explain your situation to them and see what they think.
     
  3. justjade

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    I know I should. I guess I'm just really not sure what to say. I mean, I think I do know, but I'm afraid to bring it up.

    "So, yeah, remember how I told you I'm a guy?...."

    ---------- Post added 7th Feb 2014 at 08:17 PM ----------

    I just feel really awkard, and in a way, I'm worried that maybe I'm not "out" enough.
     
  4. Girishbbe

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    Oh ya it will be awkward. I don't think you can make it not awkward. Your a man trying to be or not trying to be a bridesmaid. It's a inherently awkward thing.

    What do you mean by not being out enough? (You said you where out to your friend, but that they don't quite get it.)
     
    #4 Girishbbe, Feb 7, 2014
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2014
  5. Caillin

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    If your worried about the awkward conversation you can write her an email about it instead.
     
  6. setnyx

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    it' going to akward but if she is your friend she will want you to feel comfortable. i think pants and shirt should be fine.
     
  7. justjade

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    I guess it's because I'm not on T or whatever. I don't even have a "real" binder yet. I haven't come out to a lot of people.
     
  8. warholwendy

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    Damn. That is one f:***:cked up situation you have there.

    I would say, tell it to her straight up: you're a dude and you don't want to be a bridesmaid because that doesn't fit in with your expression of your gender identity. But don't be pushy about it or anything. You have to take it slowly. Get her alone sometime and talk to her about it and sh:***:t.
     
  9. alex3191

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    I have a similar situation, my mom is getting married in October, she didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid because she says she knows i won't be comfortable in a dress but i know she's worried about some stuck up family members we have that are coming from England to the wedding. my sisters will be bridesmaids and my brother a groomsman and im worried that if i don't be a bridesmaid I'll be topic of conversation instead of my mom on her day. I think you should tell your friend that asking you to wear a dress would be the same as asking one of the groomsmen to wear a dress it might help her understand how uncomfortable you would be, explain the situation and ask her opinion on some of clothes you were thinking of wearing or how you should do your hair for the day so that it doesn't sound like a rejection of her request for you to be a bridesmaid.
     
  10. Nick07

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    I don't see any good way out if you want to be there. Either you will wear the dress or you won't - but you will out yourself that way.
    Will all the bridesmaids wear the same dresses?

    Maybe your friend could come up with something special that you could do for her at her wedding while you would not be a part of the crowd (which would mean you don't need to be dressed like the others?)
     
  11. Girishbbe

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    You could ask to be a groomsmen. I don't think it's totally out of the question for the bride and groom to basically trade people to one side or the other. Though if you go to a wedding as a groomsman, your coming out of some kind of closest, but they would likely think you where gay before they think of you as trans.

    I could throw out plot, after idea after, zany plan, but I won't be able to come up with anything more sensible then talking to the bride.
     
  12. Niko

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    I'd definitely start talking to her about it. Tell her you'd love to support her, but your in a very awkward situation.

    I'm sort of in the same situation as you, except I'm supposed to be my sister's Maid of Honor. It's a little different then a friend's wedding, but we came up with the option of me being in the same tuxedo as the guys would, only I'd be standing next to her.

    So yes, talk to the bride see if you can come up with a compromise with how you feel and what she wants.
     
  13. confuzzled82

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    I'll agree with the other posters. There's no getting out of this being akward. Talking to the bride (and possibly the groom at the same time) is likely to be the best option. And, if you do end up going in a tux, you're going to be coming out without saying anything.
     
  14. phoenix89

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    I would definitely talk with the bride, and there are also more and more brides with bride's men, their suits are the same color as the maids but it is a suit and not a dress.
     
  15. justjade

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    The bridesmaids are all expected to wear the same thing, yes. That's the hard thing. I mean, red will wash me out if it's near my face anyway, so I've kind of been pushing for something with just a red accent anyway.

    What my husband told me is that it won't kill me to wear a dress just for one day. I just kind of feel like I'd be lying if I didn't wear a suit or something. I guess that's the best way I can explain it to her. I mean, I guess the main issue I'm having is that her family and the people she's inviting are not very open-minded. They're very religious. Her dad is a preacher, and he's going to be preaching the ceremony.

    God, this is just so fucked up. I guess I should just stop worrying, but I also realized that if I decline being a bridesmaid all together, my family will want to know why, and I'm not out to them. In fact, I'm so terrified of telling them that I've actually been fiddling with the idea of just waiting until they all pass away and then getting surgery or starting T. That's seriously how bad it is.

    This just sucks. Thanks for all the advice, guys. I appreciate it. I'll talk to her. It's going to be hard, but I want to make sure we're clear.
     
  16. Nick07

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    The trouble is,if you wear trousers instead of the dress, you will out yourself AND steal the show. Everybody will notice, and the way I see it, guests should keep their gaze on the bride and HER outfit. Your friend may not be happy about that.
     
  17. justjade

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    Yeah, I was pretty worried about that. Maybe I'll just suck it up and wear the dress. I don't want to upstage her. This will be the first and hopefully only time she'll get married. It should be special for her, and I guess I'm a bit selfish. I've been kind of slowly learning that, as men, even cis men, we often have to do things we don't want to do or aren't comfortable with to make the people around us happy.
     
  18. Nick07

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    Thumbs up, Jade. Really.
     
  19. justjade

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    Thanks. It's going to be hard, but I really needed to hear what you had to say.
     
  20. Nick07

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    Jade, we will not feel badly about you if you come back and say that you agreed to wear the dress. Don't feel pressured, ok? (*hug*) Life is full of compromises.