Feeling Frustrated & Lost (Don't Know What I Am Or How To Deal With It)

So, for years and years, I've had this niggling little thought in the back of my head. A thought that I pretty much never gave any actual weight to. I would consider it just a dumb little fantasy and ignore it. But recently I've began to question if maybe part of the reason I can't break out of this depressive slump despite my medication is because I've been ignoring this?

Day to day, I don't feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I am physically a male, and have been so since birth. And for all intents and purposes, I am not bothered by this. But... There's this part of me that switches on sometimes. In certain circumstances, and even sometimes just without provocation. During these times, I feel like I would be better off as a woman.

I guess what makes me doubt the thought so much I guess is how, most of the time I am un-bothered by my sex... I don't look in the mirror and cringe at what I see (well ok maybe a little, but that's more a weight problem :rolle: ). It's just... When I start to feel romantic or turned on or any of that genre of feelings, it becomes rapidly apparent that I feel less comfortable as a man than I feel I would as a woman.

The other reason I become doubtful, and also wary of speaking out about it, is because I feel like I would be a lesbian if I were suddenly a woman. And then I begin to fear that it is just some dumb fetish thing, or that it would be perceived as such.

But really, when I try to picture an idealic happy couple spending time together, I can help but picture a lesbian couple. Something about it just... Speaks to me I guess. It warms me. And I feel a tight sadness that it's something I cannot experience.

Though, as I said earlier, sometimes I feel as though I wish I could be a woman at other intervals. When spending time with friends and I feel unable to be physically affectionate in a platonic way as a man. Not just because society says it is wrong, but it also just FEELS wrong to me to do so as a man. When I feel like dancing and singing, I often feel constricted in the ways that I can because of my sex... And sometimes I simply feel like I wish I were female for no reason at all... These however, are more the exception than they are the rule, unlike my romantic feelings which are far more consistent.

So... What does that make me? What am I? And what can I even do about it if I ever figure it out? Is it worth going through what is like to be a grueling, possibly alienating several years of changing my physical shape just to feel more comfortable romantically if day to day I am unconcerned by it? If not, how do I resolve the romantic side of my life?

I'm just feeling very frustrated, confused and more than a little lost by all of this... I don't even really know what to expect in the form of responses... I just... I don't know... I just really hope that maybe somebody somewhere has advice or even just a perspective that can make things clearer for me...

I just want help...

 

I chose the name simply because it is "my name" I suppose. It is what I have been known as for close to 14 of my 26 years. Even were I to physically change my exterior sex, I would probably continue to be known colloquially as "Maverik" and "Mav". It's a name I am comfortable with I guess, and have become protectively fond of over the many years of its use, such that it is a rarity that anybody I know actually calls me by my "real" name.

I've never expressly assigned a gender to the name, but I suppose thinking on it it does have a "masculine feel" so to speak...

(Sorry for the late reply, I dozed off ^^; )

 

About as often as any porn I suppose. I do watch/read a reasonable amount of lesbian romance fiction. In keeping with how I feel when I think about couples, lesbian romances in shows, books, comics etc are typically the ones that make me feel bashful & giddy etc. As opposed to a typical romance to which I feel no special reaction towards in fiction.

 

Thanks for the advice! I've spent the last few hours thinking and considering things, and I found a close friend I was able to open up to about my uncertainties and we talked for a little bit about it.

I think I'll take your suggestion and try to give myself some room to be feminine and see just how much space that side of me wants to take up. I might try and find some female clothing and try that out as well. See if I can find something affordable. Maybe try a dress or skirt? I don't really know...

As a kid I used to play with dolls to the same extent I played with guns and trucks, but I never wore girls clothing that I can remember, so it's something I've never really tried before.

I guess I'll take some advice from Macklemore and hit up a thrift shop ^^;