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Having trouble dealing

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by beloved, Feb 13, 2014.

  1. beloved

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    I'm having a hard time dealing with all this, being genderfluid. I was trying to figure out a gender neutral name, thinking that maybe it'll help. But I can't decide on anything, because ultimately I don't even know if it'll make a difference.

    I've told my mom about being genderfluid, but I feel like she thinks it's a joke. So even if I chose a name, I'm just afraid that if I told her to start calling me by that, she'll just use it sarcastically or not at all. Not to mention, her boyfriend lives with us and I don't think he's even remotely comfortable with anything that deviates from straight and binary.

    The only people who even know are my mom, my little sister, and an ex-friend of mine. Along with the people on my blog, but those are all people I don't know irl. I just don't know how to deal with it, because I'm feeling more and more caged. I haven't even told my best friend because I just don't know if she would understand at all. I can't post anything about it on Facebook because my ex-husband's family is friends with me on there and they're all super religious. I feel like they'd just talk about me and then tell my ex, which is something I don't even think I can deal with at the moment.

    I just want to be comfortable in my own skin for once, or at least as comfortable as I can get. I keep thinking about my past and things just are making more sense now that I know what is going on and I've been dealing with depression since before I was 11 and I feel like this is a huge factor in why therapy and drugs never worked for me. I just want to be me and I want people to acknowledge the real me. But I'm scared of being made fun of and not taken seriously. Sorry, I just needed to rant about this. This is really the only place I can talk about it, where people would understand.
     
  2. Manta

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    Names are a big deal, so of course it is a difficult decision :slight_smile:

    One of the things that makes names so important is that they carry the hopes and dreams our parents have for us in them. Maybe my family is just traditional in the importance of name meaning, but whatever :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    What do you hope for after this? What kind of person do you wish to become? While it is important you like how the name sounds, have you thought about the meaning behind it? Perhaps this will help you in your hunt?

    My first name together with my middle name (given by my parents) put together mean either "a pure victory of the people" or "a pure, victorious people."

    If you fine a name you think you like, try it out online where no one knows you and see how it feels :slight_smile:
     
  3. beloved

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    I'm actually big into name meanings. My given name means "pure port". My daughters names are "noble, right hand of god" and "victorious queen".

    I've been looking at names and there are names that I really like, but I associate them with other people. Like I love the name Alex, but my ex-husband has a brother named Alex and when me and my ex were still together, we were going to name our son Alexander.

    What do mean by what kind of person do I wish to become? Sorry, it's probably such a simple question, but I overthink things and don't want to misinterpret what you're trying to ask.
     
  4. Manta

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    Haha, no I do to, even when it's something as minor as a screen name :slight_smile:

    When I say what kind of person you want to become, I mean to say how do you want to grow as an individual? If you want to be brave or have courage, then look for names with a meaning that denotes that trait. My sister is one of the most fierce people I know, and her name means "Warrior Woman" go figure :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    Even though we know, logically that my sister's name didn't cause her to become the way she is, she always knew what her name meant, and so she thought of herself as 'warrior woman.' Similarly, because I grew up knowing my first name meant 'pure/innocent' I always had the idea that I was either meant to be or currently was pure/innocent.

    So when you introduce yourself, what do you want to be saying? When I introduce myself I am essentially saying 'Hello, I'm a pure, innocent person. Nice to meet you." and my sister is saying 'Hello, I'm a warrior women. I hope we get along.'

    It doesn't matter if the other person doesn't know what your name means, because you do, and by using it you are also telling yourself what kind of person you are. So how do you want to be? Do you wan't to introduce yourself as 'Hello, I'm a caring, maternal person.' or 'Hi, I'm a free spirited person.' That is how I see the meaning of names :slight_smile:
     
  5. beloved

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    I think the same way about names. Like ever since I knew the meaning for my name, I thought of myself as a person who is pure/innocent and a safe place/person for people to come to when the tides get rough. The last part is definitely true, because I've always been the person that people come to when they need advice or comfort. Not to mention, I'm currently getting my Bachelor's in Psychology so that I can help people.

    So I really still want to be that place/person people can come to when life gets too tough to handle alone. But I have conflicting emotions about the pure/innocent part, because I am a nice person, I try to be kind to everyone, but I've always seen pure/innocent as synonymous with weak. I don't want to be weak. I'm tired of being weak. I want to be strong. Which is why I love the name Alex, because it means "defender of mankind", which I feel is just like my middle name but has strength in there as well.

    So, I want to be a pillar of strength. I want to be someone people can come to when they can't be strong and I want to be strong enough to be able to hold myself up along with other people.
     
  6. Manta

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    It sounds like you know what you want to get out of your name :slight_smile: Is there a specific area you'd like it from (For example, my name exists in Scandinavian, Armenian, Greek, Japanese, Chinese.... somehow everyone seems to have come up with my name....) but names from different languages or regions have unique sounds and nuances to them.

    Do you have a preference? Do you want people to hear your name and ask more about it, or do you want it to be a subtle way of defining yourself? Only you can know what name really fits you :slight_smile:
     
  7. beloved

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    I really don't have a particular area in mind. And I guess, I want people to ask about it because I love discussing names, but at the same time I don't want to draw too much attention to myself, if that makes sense.
     
  8. Manta

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    I think I get what you're saying :slight_smile:

    I typically either google baby names :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: or look at mythology when I hunt for interesting names.

    I can't say if changing your name will have an impact on your life, but you never know until you try :slight_smile: I don't really know what else to say about finding names, but keep updating on your ideas! :grin: And when you find one you like, try it out online and see how it feels!
     
  9. Nick07

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    What do you want to change in your life? What the others should do differently when you are around?
    About the gender neutral name - what about trying to use it on the internet? Or telling your friends that you are thinking about changing your name (you don't have to say why) and asking them to help you decide if you chose it well. You will know if it sounds right when they call you your new name.
    Can you change your wardrobe a bit so it is more gender neutral? Would that help?
     
  10. beloved

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    Thank you! I've been hunting for a name for the past week or so and it's a lot harder when you're looking for a specific meaning. When I find one, I'll be sure to update and try it out online to see how it feels.

    I guess I just want to be comfortable in my body without constantly feeling like I'm not in the right one. I want to present as male when I feel male, same with female, or androgynous when I feel as neither. As far as others go, I don't know what I want them to do differently. I guess just respect who I am and not undermine how I feel? My family is a bunch of smartasses, but every time my mom says something jokingly about me being genderfluid, I feel like she doesn't take me seriously and it really hurts.

    I don't think she feels comfortable with the fact that I feel male sometimes or she just doesn't really understand. I've tried to explain it to her, but she'll say things "Well, sometimes I wish I was a guy because things would be easier" (as in with society and whatnot). So it just makes me think that she thinks I'm confused or going through a phase or something.

    Especially because I just recently got divorced and a part of me thinks she thinks that this is just a way for me to cope with it. Which it's not. I've been like this since I could remember, but I never knew it was normal so I just didn't talk about it in fear that I would be considered crazy or weird or something (the area I grew up in was very close-minded, there was a girl in my 5th grade who liked girls and people alienated her because of it, thinking being lesbian was a disease that you could catch if you got too close. i used to be constantly picked on because i wasn't feminine, they would call me dyke, etc. just a very homophobic area).

    Back to the point, I really want to find a name. I guess I'm just chicken about what sort of flack I might get for changing my name. I want to be taken seriously, not like it's some phase I'll "grow out of". I'm not sure what I can wear that is gender neutral. My body is really feminine. I've got curves galore, so even if I dressed in gender neutral clothing it wouldn't make much of a difference? I'm trying to lose weight in hopes that my boobs will shrink and I can bind and pass, but that takes time and it gets really hard to find the motivation when I'm depressed.
     
  11. Nick07

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    I think that you mother really doesn't understand and it's not her fault. She tries to find something similar in her life to make it more understandable for her.

    Maybe right now, she is where you were. She never heard about the possibility and she will need some time to rethink everything and change her perspective.

    About the clothes. I believe that even women's clothes vary a lot - from very feminine to very tomboyish.
     
  12. beloved

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    You could be very right, she had never heard the term genderfluid until I had brought it up in conversation. Maybe changing my name would make things more real for her?

    And yeah. I tend to just wear loose-fitting t-shirts and jeans. I don't feel comfortable in dresses or skirts, unless I'm feeling REALLY female and that's usually only when it's around a guy I'm interested in (which I don't honestly understand because I feel "attracted" to guys usually as a guy). But normally, I feel really uncomfortable in really feminine attire. It just doesn't feel right? Like I'm trying to be something I'm not?
     
  13. beloved

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    Ah, someone on my blog referred to me as "them" and I didn't realize how happy that would make me feel until it happened. I feel like this is another step towards the right direction. Sorry, I just thought to share. Haha, I'm just super giddy about it.
     
  14. Nick07

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    :slight_smile: Try the same with your name then, and you will see if it feels right.