I am still not dressing as a man yet because I have come up against a couple of problems. One is my family who I still live with. I have to appreciate they don't want me to transition and don't like it when I make changes and while I still live with them ( I am working on finding a job so I can move out) I have to respect their feelings about it all. Yesterday I went out in public with no foundation on at all and although I am not proud of my complexion, it felt such a relief to not be wearing make up but my mum made a comment about me looking awful But back to men's clothing and another problem I have is that I have read 'The FTM's complete illustrated guide to looking like a hot dude' and it makes me feel like I can't and shouldn't wear a whole range of stuff and need to lose pounds just for the sake of passing and it makes me wonder if transitioning is about becoming who you truly are, how much attention should we pay to what we should and shouldn't wear to be seen as male compared to the way we want to dress. Where do you draw the line?
I would say that with everything you do, you should judge if it makes you feel better or worse. What would be the point to follow that Guide if it made you feel miserable? Maybe you even don't like the style of that guy. What is "hot" for one, can look ridiculous to others. Try to find what makes you comfortable.
This is one of the things that I got beefed about too. But eventually I realized that transitioning is about being able to be as comfortable as you can be. For some people it's about being able to pass and they won't feel comfortable until they do. Style takes a backseat to them. But if that's not the case for you, then just be you. That truly is the most important part of transitioning. Sometimes you can also find that you can have both, actually. I read that guide too but it's really just to give you some ideas to think about. You might find you can pass fine with wearing your style and just being you, you might just have to be more choosy about what you pick up. But even if not, just follow what you find is more important to you. I find I ask things in this order "Do I like this?" then "Does this make me look more masculine or feminine?" Ultimately, what Nick said. Go with makes YOU feel comfortable. I'm kind of amazed that your mother would say you look awful without putting makeup on. That just doesn't seem right. Some people actually hate the "painted" look, regardless of complexion. Anyways, just be you and follow your own instincts.
" I have to respect their feelings about it all. " No, you have to acknowledge them. You don't have to respect them. In fact you CAN'T respect them, really. How do you 'respect' the opinion that you're a freak? You don't. Where I draw the line is my chest. If I go out I will usually wear breast-forms because it gives me a chest. I'm too fat to have no boobs. So for now, until I lose some weight, I wear those. I don't wear them around the house. That's as much as I will do to pass. There are lots of other 'female' things I do, but I do them because I want to, not because other people expect it. My mum keeps trying to persuade me to pluck my eyebrows again, my best friend keeps telling me I should work on my voice, and I won't do either of them because right now I don't feel like I need to. You went out without foundation on, which if I recall from our past conversations is MASSIVE (and incidentally, I am so proud of you!). You did that and you felt good about it until your mum said something. Now I won't lie and say you'll never get bad comments like that from people, but this one I think is exceptional. Wearing foundation isn't something all girls do. So you going out without foundation on, is just different to usual as far as your mum should be concerned. But she went straight for 'you look awful'. So what does that say about your mum? If she saw a random girl in the street with no make-up on, would she say the same thing about them? If she would, then she has obvious issues concerning beauty and appearance. Issues that run far deeper than what you look like. If she wouldn't, then she is focussed on you presenting as male. In which case, she's just saying spiteful things to hurt you because she doesn't want you to do it. In either case, that comment, while horrible, you can try and ignore, because it doesn't mean anything.
Thanks for the insight. I was worried there are kind of 'unspoken rules' in the trans community about how you should dress as an ftm or mtf. Holly - my mum thinks all women 'should' wear make up and those that don't are careless and lazy about their appearance. Even though she damn well knows I am transitioning whether she likes it or not she still judges me by her standards of how a woman should look. Even if I wasn't trans and didn't want to wear make up she would have an issue with it because I wouldn't be making the most of myself. It makes me so angry. She also assumes and questions why if I'm a man don't I know how to fix a car. :rolle: ---------- Post added 14th Feb 2014 at 02:41 PM ---------- One more thing - my sister has just told me that she is going to tell her boyfriend soon that I'm trans or rather my mum is going to tell him. I said ok though actually when I think about it why the hell does he even need to know. My sisters reply was 'he probably won't want to come to our house anymore' (after she's told him) I am seriously fucking angry. Just when i was starting to feel more positive.
Each trans has a different path & Goal, like stated before in this thread, some worry about passing, some just want to be comfortable in their new role, most are a mix of both ends of the spectrum. I think your mother does need a reality check about the whole Gender thing, as not all men can fix a car lol nor does every woman wear make-up everyday. as for who knows, that is your decision, no one else, they should always make sure it's ok with you that X person knows. Like you said, why does he need to know =) for you though not all men are models, and come in alot of shapes and sizes (especially here in America lol) so you just do what makes you comfortable as a man, nothing should be forced or expected of you as a man ^^ for me, it's about wearing make-up, going out in tight pants, wearing my breast forms all day, voice practice, and the like, but like Ellia said, she does it differently, and it doesn't make her or I any less of a transgender person, because it's all about how comfortable you are, and where it is you are at on your journey, as everyone's journey is ultimately different, it is hard to compare how each individual should act, what to wear and etc
I've thought about this too. Do I want to pass? yes. Do I still want to be me? yes. Perhaps I'm being a little hopeful and naive, but I do believe that you can have both. Transitioning, for me, is about being myself and not hiding anymore. I know that I'm a woman on the inside and feel that I can get others to see the same thing by being me (even if I do have some broad features). Of course, my tastes are naturally more femme anyways, so that helps, but it doesn't change what my motivations are. Perhaps that's the best thing for you to ask yourself. What are my motivations for wanting to transition?
Yeah, I wouldn't say you have to follow a passing guide religiously. I'm overweight and when my hair's short and cut the right way, I can probably pass a good 55% of the time. So my curves work against me, but as long as I'm not wearing anything thin, I usually do okay. Really, I think a good rule of thumb is to go for what works with your frame. If you've got huge hips, layering shirts (I usually like wearing a t-shirt with an open button up over it), will help square out your frame. If you're small, you might be able to get away with just a t-shirt. Passing is pretty relative- if you care about passing, usually it's not so much the clothes as how you come across to people. Sometimes, I've been read as male while presenting female in a winter coat. It was my mannerisms that sold me, persay. But that depends on if passing's a huge deal. For me, a huge part's just being able to present male and look good to me- passing's icing on the cake and as long as no one explicitly refers to me as female, I'm cool. That guide you mentioned is a resource I like to point guys to but it's guidelines. And highly unrealistic to expect a guy to shed weight like hair, just so he can pass. Even cismen have subtle curves, especially if they've got a little extra weight.
Passing is relative. And your own feelings should take priority - if you read that the best way to look like a man was to tape a bratwurst to your forehead, would you do it? For me, yes, I do feel pressured to lose as much fat as I can. I'm thin by nature, and whenever I gain any fat it settles on my hips and thighs. It never builds up near my waist - I've gained 25 pounds rapidly in the past and it literally all fell to my ass and thighs. Not only can I not pass if I gain a few pounds, I can't fit into menswear well because I grow a badonkadonk. That is of course my perspective based on my own body, and I've seen all kinds of guys pass well. I think that the limits you feel should be the ones you put there yourself, not the ones you feel pressured into. For me, I need to keep trim, can't leave the house in sweatpants, and layered t-shirts don't work well with me. But that's the result of trial and error and personal aesthetic, ultimately, my own opinions. Maybe some of my jeans are too skinny to lend themselves well to passing, and some of my t-shirts are considered "feminine colors", and they don't do me any favors either. Doesn't mean I won't wear what I like in the end. (another example - in that guide, Gabriel declared the sin that is plaid shirts on ftms. I happen to like plaid. Always have. Always got pegged as a lesbian - it's an inevitability I've had to accept. Doesn't mean I won't wear plaid, if I want to it's happening.)
Passing is important to me and will probably take more priority once I get hormone treatment but it is equally as important to be able to dress how I feel comfortable with my gender. You're right I wouldn't want to do something to look like a man if it didn't feel right for me. Thanks It just feels like there is pressure to be a certain way to be read as male. I guess that's something we're always going to come up against.
" It just feels like there is pressure to be a certain way to be read as male" It's probably worth remembering that this isn't exclusive to trans people. Cis-guys have the same pressure to appear male. As you know, I am big, strong and generally dressed in a don't-care manly kind of way, but because I had long hair everyone took the piss for out of me for not being enough of a guy. My point is pressure to appear more masculine than you would ever want to be is unfortunately a universally male thing, so don't pay TOO much attention to it if you possible.
Ellia's entirely right. Just like pressure to be more feminine is a universally female thing (just look at your mother's views on makeup), pressure to be more masculine is a universally male thing. We're always going to be pressured to fit neatly into the binary, as 100% female or 100% male, because a) most people identify within the binary and b) those same people don't want to risk looking like the opposite sex even a little bit, and that mindset puts pressure on everyone culturally. I could wear nothing but sweatpants and loose jeans and layered tshirts and baseball caps, but I wouldn't feel like me then even if I was getting pegged as male more out in public. The nice thing to think about is that if you go on hormones someday, you'll likely pass no matter what you do, so you will be able to wear whatever you want, if you can drown out the noise of people thinking you're not male enough because you're wearing colored denim or a shirt with a cat on it or something.
