This is going to be a difficult thing to put into words, so I apologise if it's confusing for anyone to read. I'm a female, and all my life I've been fine with that. But I've also often had these random, "I wish I could be a boy" thoughts. Nothing more than that, really. And then a couple of years ago I kind of felt a bit more like that but I didn't dwell on it. And then the past few months, it's been an almost-daily thought. Obviously it's grown more complex than that simple sentence, but yeah. Basically, I'm absolutely fine with my female body, I'm fine with female pronouns, etc. And I feel like if I can only ever live as I am now, identifying as a female, I wouldn't be unhappy. Yet I also feel this sort of urge, wondering if maybe I'd be happier, more comfortable with myself, if I identified as a guy, at least sometimes. Not anything involving an operation, but I mean in terms of society, outwardly expressing myself as a guy and being identified as such. So when I look at it like that, I think maybe I'm bigender or something like that? But the thing is, I have never really had any concept of what it feels like to feel like you're a different gender. Everyone I've seen who is transgender or bigender or any of those other things, it's like it's subconscious for them. And for me, I don't think it is, it'd be a conscious decision for me to make. So I don't know what this makes me or if there's even a word for what I'm feeling. I've always been quite a tomboy, so it's more than just, you know, how I want to dress or something. It's more than that, but I don't know how much more. So I'm thinking of taking it a step at a time and trying to figure out where to go from here, and then maybe I'll feel comfortable identifying as a guy sometimes. Or maybe I'll feel so much happier that way that it'll be a permanent identity for me. I really don't know, maybe this is nothing more than curiosity, but it's very confusing because I don't know if there's even a label to describe what I'm feeling. Sorry for the LONG rambling, thanks for your time.
I know EXACTLY what you mean. I'm not unhappy being male but I know if I magically woke up as a female physically but retained my male mentality I wouldn't be upset at all in fact that would be ideal. No, it makes perfect sense to me. You aren't alone, just looking from the other side of the mirror as me.
"I'm absolutely fine with my female body, I'm fine with female pronouns" "But I've also often had these random, "I wish I could be a boy" thoughts [...] not anything involving an operation, but I mean in terms of society, outwardly expressing myself as a guy and being identified as such" "Everyone I've seen who is transgender or bigender or any of those other things, it's like it's subconscious for them. And for me, I don't think it is, it'd be a conscious decision for me to make" I think you're not bigender/genderqueer/otherthings. I'll explain you. 1) You say you love your female body and pronouns. A bigender/genderqueer not (at least the pronouns) because they very often prefer neutral pronouns, as me. 2) The thoughts don't means NOTHING. Because they're only thoughts and nothing of real... 3) ... in fact, you say that for transgender/bigender people it's like it's subconsciou for them. This is true. I was born this way, I've never thought "If I were a boy...if I were this way..." "I've always been quite a tomboy, so it's more than just, you know, how I want to dress or something" 4) Dressing as a tomboy means NOTHING. Because it's only just a different manner to dress respect the other girls. It's not represent absolutely a gender identity. In conclusion, I don't see nothing of bigender/genderqueer in you. Being a boy, feeling like a boy is a feeling you CAN'T get out of it. You can't. And I tell you this for experience, for my feeling about it. I hope this could be helpful to you.
All I can say is that introspection, while very useful, can often run into a brick wall when you don't go out and get some experience to base further thoughts on. My advice is to actually try presenting as male and see how that makes you feel. I know that when I accepted who I was and started exploring a little bit my heart began to do a little happy dance and I was overcome with a sense of relief at finally being myself. Now, I'm not saying that you have to go out and be super macho with overly stereotypical behavior, clothes, and activities or anything; you can start smaller. The important thing is that you do something to help you arrive at the answer.
I know it means nothing, I just included it to try to explain that it's not that I want to dress in men's clothing or something, that I already do that sometimes, it's how I've always been. That it's more than that, but I can't really explain what, you see? Yeah, that's what I've decided, I think. Thanks all of you
