So I've had an...interesting couple of weeks lately. I'm not yet sure if they have been good or bad, but I really need to get some of this stuff out and maybe get some advice. Right, so my first problem is trying to distinguish my gender identity and my sexual orientation. My dysphoria has been getting steadily worse. There are days when I physically hate my body, and other days when I find myself longing for another body. But then I get really confused because I can't tell if I want someone else's body because I'm attracted to them, or because I just want to look male. Sometimes I know I just want to look like someone else, and other times it's not as clear. It's really confusing, and it leaves me feeling like I've been dragged through a tornado. This leads me into my next problem. Logically, I know it's okay to be a gay FTM, it's no biggie and there are lots out in the world. Unfortunately the rest of me doesn't seem to understand that, and I find I'll beat myself up beacuse obviously I'm a girl since I'm attracted to men. And a large part of me knows the two are very separate, but that tiny voice doesn't seem to care. That tiny voice also packs a big punch... I've also found I've been thinking of myself as male more and more often. I wrote "I want to be Andrew Zachariah" on the margin of my notes during class. I did that several times this last week when the dysphoria got really bad, or when I had a free moment. And today I was signing for a prescription, and I nearly signed as "Andrew Zachariah" and on the way out I stopped to use the bathroom, and I dang near waltzed into the men's room! It was really horrible having to slink into the women's room, and I felt sick afterwards. I feel really emotionally unstable and it's affecting my entire life. I don't want to interact with my family, and my dad is getting really pissed because I stay in my room all the time. He can't find work, and he's always home nowadays. My relationship with him seems to be deteriorating really fast, and the fact that I really hate myself lately doesn't help. He's teaching me how to drive, and today I stopped at a light that apparently wasn't for me, even though it was in my lane. When I asked him why, he said "I'm not going to explain you wouldn't understand." and proceeded to mutter under his breath. Every time I interact with him, I feel worthless, and not good enough, and my dysphoria gets worse around him. I can't go anywhere in regards to getting male clothes, because I don't have a job. I feel really unstable, and I don't know how to handle everything. Logically I know I should just accept that I'm trans, tell my family, and move on with my life. Unfortunately, nothing seems to be working like that. Does anyone have any advice for handling emotions and such?
I'm not sure if this would help you to distinguish identity and sexuality, but you could try to pay attention to those times when you're not in sexual mood at all, whether you feel like a man then. If you want to be a man because you are attracted to them, I suppose the feeling wouldn't be present all the time, unless you're in a romantic/horny mood all the time. So maybe you should try to minimize your sexual and romantic desire... Like, avoid things that increase those.... Concentrate on other, "attraction-neutral" things, and see how you feel about your gender during time that you are ehm.. "attraction-neutral". You might also want to check out autoandrophilia. Or autogynephilia, which this is opposite gender version of. What comes to being gay FTM... Do you think lesbians are men or something, since they're attracted to women? Even though you feel like you hate your body, try to remember all the good qualities it has. Like, anything that is healthy and working in it, and anything that looks the way you like. It sometimes helps to concentrate on those things. Do you mean you can't afford male clothes? Maybe you could check out some second hand stores. Also, I advice you to relax, everyday, regularly. Just relax in this moment... There are other things than gender in life, even though it sometimes seems like not!
I've had similar thoughts and feelings. I've second guessed myself to the brink of insanity and developed many self destructive behaviors and attitudes in the past. This includes suicidal thoughts and actions, social anxiety, antisocial behavior etc. I have only recently been able to come to terms with myself, and already I feel much better. In the end, I've stopped trying to explain things away (mostly) and just pay attention to my feelings. My feelings tell me who I am, not my logic. Take Darklord's advice and try to relax a bit. Things will become more clear in time. As for the mental blocks of being a gay FTM, I invite you to examine the underlying concepts of feminism. I know, "feminism doesn't seem like it's for guys", but in essence it's about equality and acceptance (well some forms of it aren't as it's highly diverse and indiviualistic, but still...) Also, do some research on how logic actually works. You may be surprised at just how ineffective it can get, because logic is a tool and only a tool. It's not an instant solution to everything. Perhaps after you've cleared a few other mental roadblocks, the answer towards your identity and orientation will become more clear. If you're still having problems, expirament. Additional information gathered from experiences are a big plus when your introspection hits a brick wall. Ok, ramble is over now. Hope this helped and I wish you luck finding yourself.
I have had similar confusion with my sexuality and gender. I thought I may slightly bisexual but I think it's more a case of wanting what I don't have (i.e. a male body). There's some quote about sexuality being who you want to go to bed with and gender identity, who you want to go to bed as. I know I wouldn't want to sleep with a guy because I am not attracted to the male body so I know I am not bisexual. That doesn't stop me from occasionally thinking I am attracted to a guy though and that I could become a gay ftm but I am more sure than not it's just because I want the male body for myself. Some people have told me that transitioning can alter your sexual orientation to some extent. I'm not sure how true this is but what I would really recommend (at least this is working for me) is not to worry about whether you like guys at this stage. Deal with the two things separately and think about whether you would want to be male in every day life going to work/school, not just being male in a relationship. As for not wanting to interact with your family and feeling worthless, I have felt like that too but I was depressed and even now I find it hard because they don't understand that I am trans and that I need to transition. When it comes to handling emotions, the best thing I have found is distractions and my therapist tells me this all the time. Find something, anything you can do that helps you feel better. Phone a friend, go for a walk, watch tv, anything to distract your brain from something other than dysphoria or just generally feeling crap. It's hard to make a start, I know, but the more you do the better you feel, at least I was until the most recent bout of criticism from my family. They treat me like I'm some kind of criminal or pedophile. It's so bad You know I really hope one day in the future, trans people will gain true equality from the moment they come out and throughout the transition and beyond. All we want really is to be ourselves and lead a normal life, yet it is so difficult.
