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Confused, Stressed, and Anxious

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by NotBrokenYet, Feb 17, 2014.

  1. NotBrokenYet

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    Right. So. This could be lengthy. I'm going to try to lay things all out as clearly as I can, and I don't know if anyone will have advice or what but even just getting this off my chest will be good for me.

    So, firstly, I guess I have to establish that I've grown up in a community that doesn't have a lot of LGBTQ+ voice, and the idea that gender was binary and girls and boys were one way and liked and did certain things and only those things was kinda shoved into my head from day one, not necessarily intentionally in all cases but the point is, that's how people taught me that everyone was as a child. It was a long time before I learned about differing sexual orientation, transgender individuals, etc (I've been spending the last few months educating myself about gender issues and the like). I've never fit well into traditionally female roles, but everyone's basically told me 'You're just a tomboy, you'll grow out of it.'

    Right. Well. I HAVEN'T grown out of it. And a couple of months ago, I came across some resources that shattered the idea of gender that I'd been taught as a child. I found out that you don't have to fit into either 'male' or 'female' box, and something really clicked with me when I realized this. And since then I've been questioning whether or not I actually identify as female. I always just kind of assumed I did because I KNEW I didn't identify as male and I had no idea there were other options. I defaulted to female because that was what was expected and the other option I was given didn't fit me better.

    Questioning has been difficult so far. It seems like any time I think about it too much (or really at all) I start having an anxiety or panic attack (I have an anxiety disorder and clinical depression). Its hard for me to even consider. And its not because I have any kind of hatred for NB individuals, its more just the idea that such a fundamental part of my identity might not be what I've always thought it was and how are people going to react and what if I'm wrong and what if what if what if....

    But I keep thinking about it anyways. I can't get it out of my head. And the more I think about it the more I realize that although being called female or calling myself female isn't as weird as being thought of as male, it really doesn't fit either. When I think about myself in relation to my female friends, I feel a psychological distance, as if I am not really on their level per se (if that makes sense?). I don't feel the same. And when people refer to me as female, more and more I feel like I only respond because that's what I've been referred to as my entire life. Kind of like a friend who can't pronounce your name, so they call you something similar but not actually your name and even though its not your name you respond to them anyways because you know that they mean you. Recently I've begun to have some mild dysphoria with regards to my chest, as well.

    I think the anxiety around the questioning is lessening somewhat. I'm still feeling anxious even as I type this, but its not a full blown panic attack complete with involuntary uncontrollable shaking and way too much nervous sweating. And the more that I've kind of considered it, the more thinking of myself as nonbinary feels right. But I'm still kind of doubting myself, and I feel like I'm almost stuck in place where I don't know what to do and I don't know how to move forward and be certain one way or another. I've only talked about it with three people: My mom, my therapist, and an internet friend who I've been talking to and video-chatting with regularly for about three years now. I only brought it up very briefly to my mom, and she was very confused. She had no idea what nonbinary gender identities were and when she asked me where I'd been getting these ideas I told her some stuff I read on the internet had got me thinking about it. I think she kind of dismissed me a bit after that.... she told me I needed to stop "self diagnosing" and that just because I wasn't feminine didn't mean I wasn't female (which is true enough, you don't have to be feminine to be female, but I don't think she really understood what I was trying to say... >___>;; ). She DID say that whatever I decided I was she'd still love and support me, which was reassuring, but there were a lot of mixed messages, and she's the MOST understanding person in my family. So later I brought it up with my therapist, and she said that really all I could do was actively try and figure things out or just kind of wait and see what happened, but that it was probably best to wait because "at this age, your personality isn't finished developing yet", in other words, "it might just be a phase". She was trying to be helpful, I know that, but it still wasn't all that helpful. She doesn't really specialize in gender issues though, so she offered to put me in touch with other groups if I got things figured out more clearly/decided I wanted to connect with some other people in the 'rainbow' community. My friend I kind of wound up spilling to almost accidentally, and in hindsight I don't know if she was the best person to spill to because she's very religious and at first was kind of like "Well God made you a girl for a reason" and that sort of thing but she hasn't said anything like that since and she's told me she's behind me whatever I choose, that she won't get preachy at me or anything. But yeah.... I don't have a lot of people who really get what I'm going through around home, which is why I'm here.

    While I'm (very) slowly becoming more and more certain that I'm nonbinary, I'm really really scared that what my therapist told me might ring true, and that its 'just a phase' or that I'm going to be wrong somehow. I don't feel like I can come out and tell anyone if that's how I really identify because they wouldn't understand, or if I was wrong they would think I was just making stuff up for attention. I KNOW if/when I tell my dad, he won't take me seriously. My dad thinks that basically everything I do is somehow simultaneously done to both get attention AND push people away. He's not an understanding guy and he doesn't take me seriously about lots of things, including my physical disabilities (even though he was THERE when I was diagnosed) and mental health issues. If I were to come to the conclusion that I am nonbinary and I told him, it would be hard enough for him to grasp and he'd probably assume it was some silly teenage thing. But if I told him and then I was WRONG? I'd never hear the end of it. He'd never take me seriously again. And I think part of the reason I'm stressing is because I suspect I identify this way but I'm scared to be right, and I feel like I'm maybe putting myself in some self-denial.....

    This is just continually stressing me out and while I know it could take me a very long time to really be certain of my own identity, I hate this feeling of being stuck and not really being able to vent to anyone who understands (until now). That's all I'm going to say for now because I think I've made this long enough and if you've taken the time to actually read this whole thing through, thank you! You're great! Its really good to even just get this all out in an area where people sort of actually know what I'm getting at! x.x
     
    #1 NotBrokenYet, Feb 17, 2014
    Last edited: Feb 17, 2014
  2. Nick07

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    As far as I know you are going through something many EC trans members are or were.

    At the end it's about your DECISION. And about baby steps and judging what feels right for you and what doesn't. And if you do something and it doesn't feel right after some time, you can always take a step back and try a different approach.

    That's it. Take it one day at a time. It's not an exam :wink: You don't have to decide "for ever".

    (*hug*)

    ---------- Post added 17th Feb 2014 at 09:43 PM ----------

    Sigh, I made that "decision" part too short. What I meant was, that you need to decide if you will "listen" to your feelings, or to what other people are telling you.

    They can't tell you who you are. You are you anyway :wink: The only question is what will make your life happier? What do you need to change in your life to be happier than you are now?
    And you don't need to change everything at the same time. Test the waters, gain some self-confidence, add something more and test again and you will make your change slow and it may be also easier for the others, not only for you.

    You don't need to scream Surprise! You can slowly keep changing things in your life.

    And about " a phase" - even if it was, so what? Instead of stressing about it you can have a phase when you will feel happy and authentic. And it's all about your feelings if you stay that way or move forward to something else what will make you happier.
     
  3. NotBrokenYet

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    Thanks :slight_smile: That helps somewhat.

    As far as changing things goes, I'm not really sure what I can actually change..... my name is already relatively gender-neutral and my appearance is already tipping more towards masculinity (I've been mistaken outright for a guy many times over the years, even though I've never tried to pass as male.... I just don't really like girly clothes), though I don't know how to go about looking androgynous really. I just kinda wear what's comfy, haha. I don't know if I could actually ask anyone around me to call me by gender-neutral pronouns for the same reasons I don't think they would take me seriously if how I suspect I am is how I am.

    Managed to work up to having an awkward talk with my mother about wanting to buy a binder which went..... not necessarily the best, but not horribly I suppose...... I don't think she'll try to STOP me but she doesn't really understand and isn't terribly supportive. We'll see what happens when I actually get money together for one....
     
  4. MiAngel

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    Hello NotBrokenYet, I know my situation is not the same as yours, my questioning is in another category...hehe...but I did want to say welcome to EC and I believe you have come to the right place to find some help with what you are going through, just hang in there. There are many on this site that are going through what you are, you aren't alone. I wish you all the luck in the world on your journey to self discovery. (*hug*)
     
  5. NotBrokenYet

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    Thank you so much! It means a lot to hear that when most people haven't been so understanding. :slight_smile: I hope your own journey, however different from mine, goes well!!