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Being in a relationship has changed how I get off?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by CharlieHK, Feb 18, 2014.

  1. CharlieHK

    CharlieHK Guest

    This is in this section because before Kelsey (my MtF girlfriend) masturbation was never an issue for me. I could easily go about my business to the idea of jerking off, having a penis, what it'd feel like to touch myself with that part...

    But then I got this person in my life and suddenly at night when I go to do my thing...I feel dirty thinking about having a penis. Guilty for wanting to stroke that instead of rubbing a clit and feeling a yucky squishy girls va-jay-jay. (Sorry ladies, it only feels disgusting on me).

    Here's the kicker, I dunno what changed. Because when we first dated, well for the first 7 months we were both still in the closet. She was my "boyfriend" i was her "girlfriend". Even then I stopped masturbating to the idea of having a penis because it suddenly wasn't okay to me. Then we came out to each other, right? So we're on the same page. No shame, right? I still feel guilty.

    It's been 17 months and masturbating is more like a chore than the pleasure I used to get from it.

    I dunno what I'm going through.
     
  2. Sarah257

    Regular Member

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    Well... The best I can do is suggest you try to get to the root of the guilt. Here are a few questions for you to answer for yourself to make things a little more clear:

    When was the first time you felt that masturbating to the idea of having a penis wasn't ok?

    Was there anything that happened in your relationship around that time?

    What about external influences?

    Is it guilt you feel or is it shame? (Think carefully about this as they are similar but different enough to provide some insight.)

    Do the feelings of shame or guilt make you unsure about your gender identity?



    STOP. Don't read the next bit until you have answered those questions.



    This is just a quick assessment of my own that I think may be close.

    I don't think this has to do with the relationship. You stated that you felt "dirty" for thinking such thoughts. Words like "yucky" and "dirty" are a key clue. In this case they are likely to be associated with an external source that you heard or read about somewhere (although your girlfriend may have expressed such thoughts or doubts at some time). For example, I know that there are some blogs, professionals, and other sources out there than can cause guilt/shame over the idea of being sexually aroused by gynophilia/androphilia. These often state that if you have such thoughts then you have a mental disorder. I know from experience that these views can make you feel a bit ashamed. They can make you feel like "How dare I indulge myself in an unhealthy behavior! I'm a sick freak and need to get help but I won't because I'm so sick!" An important thing to remember here is that the underlying logic of the "this is a mental disorder" is flawed. Should cisgender people feel guilty for enjoying their organs? Of course not. Should they stop fantasizing about things they don't have? Nuh-uh. That's the definition of a fantasy; something that is not real, but we still enjoy. Also keep in mind that A) you aren't harming anyone so do what makes you happy and B) those sources are based on a typology that's around 20 years old (i.e. outdated).

    That's just a possible subconscious train of thought you may be on. It's tricky to really get down to the roots of things like psychology as the smallest thing can be of the greatest of importance. There's a reason why the simplest and most complex question in the history of time is "Why?". Anyways, hope this helps you figure this out.