Well here we go....

I guess you have to start allowing yourself to be free at some point right....so here we go.... I am born a male however for as long as I can remember I have always identified internally as a female.

I have grown up for the most part in red states was raised as a boy in these states would be raised. My whole life I struggled to fit in and make myself like what all the other boys liked, but at the end of the day I always found myself wanting to hang out with the girls and "clean house and play dolls". I was always told that if I kept acting that way I would grow up to be a "faggot" (sorry to use that word) I even remember days where I would cry because I was told I "walked like a girl" and would try so hard to change that. Eventually I managed to pass off as a "normal" boy among my class mates and the teasing stopped. I pretended not to have the urges of dressing like a girl, wearing makeup, or wanting to grow my hair/nails long even though I constantly thought about it and even took the chances when I could. However I was eventually able to repress this because I chalked it up to I like girls so I shouldn't be a girl

Around the time when everyone was entering puberty is when that reality started to slip for me because I never seemed to gain "masculinity" other than my voice getting deeper which made me even sadder on the inside. I remember being called "gay" and "queer" all the way from then until high school because I was a skinny feminine male. The way I presented myself must have been why people assumed that because family members also began in asking me about being gay. I wanted to scream out what was really going on, but inside I didn't think anyone would accept me for it that they would say I am psycho for thinking that and then I would be all alone.

About 8th grade year I had experimented a lot with cross dressing while alone it made me feel comfort in some ways. One day a friend of mine who is a female came over to my house, she was over regularly and my parents were gone so she just walked in the back door and into my room. There I was cross dressed fully and I didn't know what to do. She just stood there for a minute and then smiled and said "It's ok you don't have to explain". She then told me about how she felt and that her whole life she has felt like a boy and then spilled my guts to which she told me I could talk to her any time. This is when I first learned that what I felt could actually be more than just "me".

I never really talked to her about it after that, but we stayed really good friends until she moved. I kept on going and thinking in the back of my mind one day I would feel ok with being a guy, "It's just a phase", that I had no option otherwise because any consideration would cause me to be bastardized. The feelings I had were now beginning to effect my social ability with constant anxiety and panic that I also managed to pass off on as being "shy". I got to the age where I could buy my own clothes and so I usually did however it got to the point where I would have to bring a male friend because even when I tried to pick out clothes that a boy would wear I would end up being told it was effeminate. At this stage I tried to slowly let the idea in with people and began wearing a light blue eye liner publicly along with occasionally using a base, unfortunately for me, it just labeled me as "emo"

My senior year I got a random friend request on a social media site. I was puzzled at who was trying to add me, but I accepted them anyway. They then sent me a long message that I almost passed out reading as I began holding my breath. In front of me was a picture of a handsome young man, but in reality it was my friend from so many years ago that I knew as a girl. I questioned it and even thought it was a joke for a bit, but we got to talking and he told me about that day we talked. I congratulated him and that began me thinking about what I could do for my own situation. From that day I have done a lot of research and I am growing more and more open to the idea that I would be much more comfortable and confident in my own skin as a women.

I have debated several times since then, and I have always told myself once I am able to secure financial stability that I would do it. Well that time is getting close and I am getting nervous (hence why I am here) on how I am going to tell the people that know and "love" me....I am afraid of what will happen because the attitude of people around here....I worry I'll have to go really far far away and while that doesn't really bother me at the same time knowing that the people I love can't accept me would hurt tremendously....Yet at the same time I want to be completely happy with myself and this is my unbiased and educated decision...




Even posting this pseudo-anonymously was really hard for me...

 

Thank you very much for such a quick reply and the recommendation, I will be sure to check it out and hopefully have them check it out too. I think in the end they will accept it, but at first it will be a huge thing. I mean they're actually my adoptive parents so they love me even thought I am not their own,but I am their only... so I hope that will allow them to accept me regardless...