I am kind of struggling with gender expression. I know that I identify as male and I am for transitioning but it still feels weird when I think about expressing myself as male in the way I dress and the things I own. Recently I have cleared out my room because as some of you may remember, I had been extremely depressed over the last few months and I had been living in an absolute mess so I have been doing a major tidy and clean. Some of the things I had about my room no longer felt right and were a sad reminder of my life before I realised I was trans so it felt time to put these things away, throw them out or sell them. I don't know if this is weird but I chose a few of my old clothes to keep. I know I will never wear them again and maybe one day I'll let them go but it seems like for now, I want to keep them for the memories I have of wearing them. I have now got my room to a clean and tidy state. It doesn't look girly any more as it used to beneath all the mess that had built up:icon_redf but it doesn't look particularly like a guy's room either. If it did, it would feel weird and this is what I'm struggling with. I know that girly things don't feel right as part of my decor, wardrobe or personal belongings but the idea of having a man's wardrobe, masculine decor and so forth feels just too weird, even though I am absolutely certain that I identify as male. Is this just me trying to adjust?
"I want to keep them for the memories I have of wearing them" Isolate that sentence from the rest of that paragraph, remove the context of gender. Everyone (mostly) has things they have good memories of that they keep. It doesn't matter that you've kept clothes. As you said, you want to keep them for the memories! As for your decor, I sort of wish you could see my room and how it's changed over the years because I think it would make you feel a lot better about what you are working with. Since you can't I'll explain a bit. So at one point, my room had a single bed, chest of drawers, desk with computer and my bookcase. The walls and roof were plastered with anime posters - to the extend my friends where really worried I'd dropped of some perverted deep end until it turned out I just really wanted to BE them...anyway it was like that for ages until the last time I decorated. Posters came down, got new furniture and painted the walls. Walls are two shades of green now. Furniture is all black. I had a black and blue and green bed-cover. Added some extra book-cases. Kept a couple of posters on the back of the door. I've got weapons basically everywhere. Skeleton statues and a cow skull on my windowsill. Figurines and pewter dragons and musical instruments. A big TV and dark brown curtains that don't let any light in. I also took that lacey netting off the window. It was a 'man cave' if ever there was one. Then I realised who I am. Then I realised I could decorate my room how I wanted. The first thing I did was changed my bed cover. My mum laughed at me because I asked "Would you laugh if I bought this bed cover". It's pink and white with a floral pattern and I adore it. I bought a wardrobe and a clothes basket for stuff I'd worn. I bought little baskets to put tights and bras and things in. You know, stuff to go in the wardrobe. I have a flower-pot on my windowsill because I threw out the rest of the things that where on it. Everything else is the same. It's now my 'girl cave'. There are things I want to change about it, and I imagine it will get a bit girlier over time, I'm changing the curtains and the walls if nothing else. But it's not going to change that much, because it feels good like this. I like how my younger sisters bedrooms look, they are very girly, but it wouldn't feel right if they were my bedroom. It wouldn't be ME. If certain things don't feel right yet, then don't have them. You MIGHT 'adjust' but I don't like that word. It suggests there is something you are supposed to be, an end goal. There isn't. There is you, ever evolving, constantly changing YOU. You might decide you want some more manly stuff, you might not. Heck my brother has probably the manliest room of anyone I know because it has almost nothing in it except a bed, a computer and a very large drill bit he can't remember getting. Remember there isn't a set way of being 'manly'!
anonym, you are creating YOUR room. Not a guy's room. Do not force yourself into anything. Who is there to decide what is right for a guy to have in his room anyway? The changes are supposed to make you feel better, otherwise there is no point in doing them.
Then at this moment, it feels better to leave my room as it is. It doesn't look like a girls room apart from the bed frame but it doesn't look super masculine either. It feels rather empty and bare which will take some getting used to. I just can't think of what would fill the space...
Man, I am jealous of a) the fact that you could fit a cow skull on your windowsill, because my windowsills are so tiny I barely have anything on them at all aside from a tiny bamboo plant and a solar powered dancing flower, and b) the fact that you managed to gather bones and weapons and pewter dragons like that because you make it sound like a relatively quick thing. :lol: Also anonym, you'll figure out how to fill that space. I used to collect a lot of junk, admittedly, and over the past few years, I've been cutting down on clutter and trying to streamline my space so that it feels like my space. I got rid of some things I really liked because it felt like it was time to let go, put a few things in storage. The space I'm building for myself now and the collections I'm starting to gather seem like a better reflection of me. Right now, it sort of seems like a place of indiscriminate gender - I swapped my old bed cover for a black and green plaid one, and finally bought co-ordinating black sheets to match. My dressing table has been empty of makeup for years now, and it now houses my tv, xbox, and video games. I've got a lot of things stored away on my shelves in little wooden cigar boxes, bigger things tossed into milk crates, I also have that floral wallpaper I mentioned in that other thread, a few potted succulents, and swirly edged, feminine wall mirror. I guess my point is that it's ok for your room to not look like a guy's room or a girl's room exactly - it's your room, and you're making it into a space you like. Also, you've had feminine decor for your whole life so far. If anything, it would be weird if you suddenly tossed everything and built a mancave in the span of like 6 months. Also, I understand about holding on to some clothes - I have a dress and a skirt that i might not wear again, but I'm holding on to them anyway. I think that that's also normal and ok.
My room is freaking me out a bit. It feels weird because it's so empty and...bland I kind of miss how it used to look but it really didn't feel right. I don't think building a man cave is the answer right now. My brother had a right man cave going on when he lived here in his teens. Holly your room sounded like a real man cave too.:badgrin: The thing is I don't envy such rooms. I don't know if it's something I want for myself. At least not yet...That'd just be weird. ---------- Post added 22nd Feb 2014 at 08:08 PM ---------- I've decided it feels like I should have a man cave to back up that I am a man which is suggesting an obligation (is that right Holly???) I don't like my room this bland. I will go out and buy some pictures to cheer the place up
Sounds about right. Don't focus too much on how it SHOULD look like and just dump stuff you like in it until you can't fit any more in
i agree with clockworkfox. i buy what i like, they define as a person not a gender/sexuality. pretty sure THEY don't define themselves as one or the other either. so it's all good.
