Adjustment is difficult.

Hey pinkie, welcome to EC!

The first thing I think it would be helpful for you to do is to think of what you want, without worrying about how to do that, or what the result will be, ok?

So for example, if I personally want to wear my hair in pigtails. That is one of my transition goals. There is a reason I've said consider just the goal, without thinking about HOW to achieve them, or the results, because look what happens when I think about those things:

At this point in time, my hair is too short so I physically can't do it.
I don't like wearing wigs, so I can't use one to fix the problem of short hair.
If I DID put my hair in pig tails people would probably take the piss because I'm a giant trying to look 'cute'.

Those three things are the first things that came to mind when I though about it. The are really negative, and I feel pretty crappy about all of them.

The point is, when I think of those negative things, I feel bad about my goals and I start to ignore them and pretend I don't care, and that's when I get dysphoric and sad. Which sounds to me to be a lot like what is happening to you. I mean my ultimate goal is to be considered 'cute' occasionally, and you can check my profile and see that I am currently about as cute as a brick.

So looking at what you've written I can see a few 'goals' that stick out:

To be referred to as a female
To start wearing female clothes
To make your hair (or a wig) look naturally feminine

There may be others you can add to that list, just try and avoid thinking about 'how' those things will happen for now! Also, stop thinking about surgery!

While I'm on the subject of surgery. You say it scares the hell out of you, and it will. It scares the hell out of me, and I know a whole bunch of others on here. I know I'm going to have it, but it still scares me. BUT and this is important, I don't HAVE to have it if I don't feel it's the right thing for me. I can say for certain that if you offered right now, I would not have anything done to my face. Nothing. Nor would I have breast augmentations either, because I don't WANT them. I personally wouldn't feel comfortable with it right now, that might change, I doubt it, but it might. Either way, it's a long LONG way off and not something I need to be worrying about for now. It might be worthwhile for you to briefly consider what it is about surgery that scares you! If you can think of anything please write it here, I'll happily share my fears about it with you if you like!

 

Sounds like the same thing I'm going through here, only difference is I'm perfectly ok not having to look like a guy ever. I just fret about looking like a guy wearing girl's clothes

 

The general consensus is that, yes it does take a while to get comfortable with this sort of thing. It's a slow process; one that I am also going through. Sometimes, I feel "like a guy" too, but that phrase has a little bit different meaning for me. In my case it's more of a reflection of how people treat me and old habits, like censoring my feelings. Seriously, when people keep calling me by my birth name and using the wrong pronouns, I start "regressing", as it were, back to the mask I've worn for so long. Does that feeling change who I am at my core? Nope, but it does make me feel... off. Of course, you might feel that mostly you'te a girl, but sometimes you really are a guy. That's okay too. It really just comes down to how you feel.

About the presenting as a guy thing. You can do that if you want. There are distinct advantages to being seen as a guy, and sometimes it can be useful. This is particularly true in the beginning as you don't have to worry about the whole passing thing. Shopping or dealing with friends or family can definately be easier when you appear to be cisgender. In the end though, you might find that you want to pass as male less and less the more comfortable you become passing as a woman. I've only been doing this a short while and already the desire to blend in with the guys has waned quite a bit.

Many people do just that with wigs. This is especially true of those who are experiencing male pattern baldness or have really short hair. If that's what you feel comfortable doing and you can afford a good wig, then do it. However there are other options. For example, my hair can be fairly quickly adapted from feminine to masculine if the situation requires it. It may not be a dramatic change, but the effect does indeed make a difference.

Also, you are aware that there are many transgender women who have chosen not to pursue surgery, and can pass all the time right? Just because you don't go through with a little "nip and tuck" doesn't mean that you won't ever be able to pass. Though, most who pass do undergo hormone replacement therapy.

Anyways, just give it some more time. You may find that you are gender fluid or something else. From there you'll be able to choose the option that's best for you.

 

Wow, it's like I just read my own biography...

I went through / am going through all of this. Part of me wishes I could have instantly transitioned, but I still had some reservations and wished to remain male for a few reasons. I first started on Anti-Androgens. These helped stop my hair from thinning, and eventually lead to it regrowing. It also changes the way you think... you won't think in an angry sort of way anymore. That's hard to explain, because like you, I was feminine before, but anti-androgens made me think even differently.

After awhile on anti-androgens, I decided I would take the step toward femininity, and got on estrogen. It's a lower dose than typical MTF, so the transition is slower, and I feel more androgynous. Estrogen gives you a euphoric feeling, you have to experience it. It will center you. I've had to go off of it a few times (morning sickness, and running out) and I almost had a perpetual roid-rage til I got back on it.

My advice, is talk to a doctor, or do the research and see about getting on HRT... it will save your hair, make you feel better mentally, and begin to look the way you feel physically. If you're like me and can't afford a doctor, there is self-medication... but please, do the research before you do it. I did months of research before starting, and worked my way up to the highest doses, yet still had to change my regimen on several occasions.


As for wearing girl clothes out in public... that was hard for me the first few times. I started with one item... Skinny Girl Flare Jeans. Wore those around for awhile, and got comfortable in them. No one bothered me. I then got a girl's hoodie... did the same. Then a set of bras and girl's shirts.

Also when I started going out, in full girl clothes, I went to a different town where no one knows me. Surprisingly, I got a lot of accepting smiles. I even wear a bit of makeup sometimes.

But I still embrace a few masculine qualities here and there... standing up to pee mainly.

Hope this helps... hope you get to the happiness you want and deserve.

<3
Katie

 

"im also not sure if wanting to still be able to pass as a guy is for convenience purposes, or if its just because ive been (biologically) a guy for years and years and its hard to let go of something even if its particularly not what i want."

Personally I think this is one of the most difficult parts of being trans. Not knowing if I'm uncomfortable with something because I'm used to it or for other reasons. I'm having it at the moment with my voice, I don't have much of a problem with it, but it is very obviously male. Part of me wants to make it a bit more feminine and another part just sits there going 'nah, why bother'.